The last fall

In my own lost world,I lose myself again. It is the right time, when the 'world of truth' around me is drawn to the dream born from the unaware mind and it remaining in hope guised in the brilliance of mangata,to awaken my shelled velleities and experience oneness with them. Amidst the distant sounds, sometimes bark or sometimes hum,my body gloomed in the ecstasy of losing myself and as I amble along the path where I had seen it lined by roses,herbs ,colours of mysticism,the sweet scented dancing trees and livened by the play of bird,the path that once I created in my dream,today I see in them no joy,no peace and no sanctity. Their sight fails to bring painful tears in my eyes. Their dried and burned lifeless structures drive me to the edge of weakness even more. And from the zenith of my non-physical world around me,just at the moment I was about to fell from the destruction of my creation. It caressed the stillness in me and for once more,I am brought to reality. This reality that's starves in the hunger of 'to be explored' every now and then. It demands the total of me now and I sacrifice myself to it.

The veering of my dual states is what describes a significant part of me.In reality,I am real and in non-reality ,I am surreal.

The bites of mosquitoes are unbearable now. Also,my throat is crying for water. So,I stand up and distract myself from the weather of romanticism of the ever known mysterious night clearly witnessed from the balcony. I enter the room disinterestedly. The room is a juggernaut. Though it had not been earlier. At least not in the presence of my mother. Like my own self, it's appearance is nonchalantly unorganised. I find the bottle of the study table empty. The blankets slipped on to the floor, warming it unnecessarily. Caught in the steady languor, I withdraw myself from the thought of thirst. It is the body that needs water. Not the soul any more.

I am tempting to seek glory in the moonlight. Glory,an irony to me. Thus, I find myself in my cosy arena again,in the balcony of this house.

Here, I sit while the memories of my small life of 20 years are flashing themselves back in my eyes. I smile at the thought how life has shown me tumultuous ups and downs. And finally it is going to hit the last edge from where I was about to fall. Yet it held me now in that position and it resisting me to have the fall right now. Some more hours left. Some more time to be given to me until I fell. I look up at the sky which I have always known as the foot of the firmament.The foot is a glamour at this moment with its dark mystery. Darkness has no direction.It only has the potential to mislead you.But if you want to hide, it embraces you in the perfect veil.

They say they want to walk in light where the path will lead to the destination without any mislead. I too tried to walk in the light but my journey compelled me to end up at the night to feel me nowhere. I haven't seen ever where my light brought me to. And the other morning presented me new path,new geography,new destination and I was bound to leave my previously embroidered dreams. When I finally set my foot on the new journey,it too ended up as devastated as my previous encounters leading me nowhere.

But those journeys brought new life into me,those turnings on the road vivified the undiscovered me. And I have respect for them . 

The foot of heaven is bright with the sparkling of stars spread unevenly across the whole of the sky. I wonder why at those nights I haven't looked up so that I would have known the night is not completely dark.

Rather it's darkness adds shimmer to the stars. I could have searched for my path in the dim light,but only if I would have looked up. I sighed.

A flower plant kept at the corner of balcony stood still, sometimes surrendering to the swing of the breeze. It is a life too but it doesn't has to move to sustain it. It has lived on.But , I was not to survive in that way. I had to move upstairs and downstairs, forward and backward. Even the pendulum has a mean position, I learnt that in my science classes . But I do lack my own stability. I bleed in this brood.

The time is passing. How perfect it's speed is in maintaining its uniformity! I smile.

The darkness is going to disappear now. The stars are losing their dignity. The sun rays started to take over the rule of the sky.

The world Will awake. And in that awakening, I will lose myself again. 

I close my eyes now. I jump through time to find me at the edge of my created world. My world remained the same, lifeless,whereas the actual world changed. For the first time, I am ruling over time. 

I spread my arms . I breathe new life into and held it.My body stiffens. I prepare my mind.

And finally, I fell.