The Silent Goodbye

I would want to be in a disposition where I stand before the court guilty of committing the most heinous crime in human sentimental history. I have always been indelicate towards the people I have loved the most. The crime may not interfere in wrongdoing amongst the lawful book but it has pierced right through where my most intense love and compassion for people lies. This is not a story but it is a tale of a twinkling heart that couldn't understand how deep human tendencies can travel. I exerted extreme intended poisonous words with a belief that I am righteous. How could my right be your right as well? This is where the humane conditioned mind played very well its irrational hide and seek. What I was seeking simply didn't exist and why should it, just because I honored it in my strange imaginations. 

I am assured of the people who have been victims of my draconian dictatorship. Here, I am admitting your presence of beautiful eyes and peaceful conduct towards my hostile state of mind. Not that I wish to demand your attention towards my extending apologies (which I might possibly not get favored by) but I would love to speak as I have been feeling from the very first incident which has been reminding me of my inability to be just willing to live without my caging coldness. Towards a human on whom my entire human life originated, nourished, relied and blessed. 

I was around 9 years old when I had my first haunting experience of remorse. The times were plainly cruel in our family. The unfortunate circumstances ruled our house with an invisible crown. The land was invaded with insane misfortune. Nobody had the smile which graced their faces so beautifully as they do now. How would I be writing at this hour at midnight rewinding my memory to replay the tape of life which has struck me like a lightning suddenly? 

The smiles are most enchanting on innocent faces regardless of any human or animal. What could I do wrong to feel a blow through my mind...I wish I was more compassionate, kind, and sweetly dressed in love. 

My mother has always been extraordinarily forgiving. She can forgive a thief who stole her hard-earned money. She can forgive the times that were most harsh. She can forgive the rains which drenched her new clothes. She can forgive the fire which burns her hand while she cooks. She can be ever so forgivingly beautiful. And here I am agonizing just to be in a peaceful state when someone asks me simple interrogations like, "How are you?" A rock would behave better if it were chiseled with intricate workmanship. I am savaged at heart often. There is a sense of superiority that I possess, making me narrowly endurable. 

Once in the morning, when I was in primary school as usual I had no interest in getting ready and leaving. I was a girl having a runny nose every day in the morning because of weeping which came from the routine of going to school which was a psychological nightmare for me. Nobody liked me as much as I couldn't bear them. Things stood that way in my old school. My understanding of life as a child had nothing to do with behavior that I displayed considered generalized for the girls my age at that time as well. 

My mother made me ready for school amidst my dramatic monologue. I was angry with her. The anger wasn't screaming, yelling, screeching, wailing, or weeping. The anger was gravely silent. I kept staring at her face. I didn't want to leave her. She took my hand and walked me to my bus stop. She tried to keep speaking to me and received not a single sound. My anger was burning my heart because I wanted to talk to my mother. She didn't raise her voice or get upset. My anger took the taste of illogical identity. She kept waving goodbye to me. I didn't even raise my hand to wave. I badly wanted to run towards her. I knew I would feel bad the whole day. When the bus started moving slowly in the city traffic, I could see her standing far and still waiting. I missed her that very moment. I even waved goodbye when the bus lost her sight. I wanted to get down and hug her hurriedly. She looked so overwhelming. I broke my own heart that day.

I realized my love is more than what this false personality can contain. But her love is truly unconditional. What a human I am, I thought that day. The other children in the bus saw my grim face and asked me what happened, I replied I didn't say goodbye to my mother. They didn't understand the depth of my loss. I felt villainous. 

When I reached school I couldn't concentrate at all and my mind wandered towards my mother's care. She was the only person I wanted to be with. Everything else was secondary. The day was hers emotionally and childishly. 

It is from that day that I always say goodbye to my deadliest enemy. I may have threatened to kill you, burn you, beat you up, or worse but I will say goodbye with a smile. I think my foolishness is very well presented chronologically in my life as always. 

It has been more than a decade since this incident. I remember it all clearly. Her red saree. The blue bus. The purple water bottle. The summer season. When I came back from school I remember I had jumped in her lap. Not saying anything because the matter was of no major consequence to her broadness of nature. Why would she even remember that her daughter was rude to her that morning? That's what love does. Blinding and binding with emotions and bliss. 

P.S- I was happiest when I reached home and said goodbye sitting in her lap!