Not So Elementary, Dear Vasan

“My dear Vasan, it is no more elementary” exclaimed suddenly my friend Curlocks. To the lay reader, Curlocks and Vasan are considered to be reincarnations of Sherlock and Dr Watson by their band of admirers including this writer and not to mention Inspector Gowda who refers to Curlocks difficult cases once in a while. Unlike the famous duo, these two protagonists live in an obscure part of Bangalore in a single bedroom apartment next to each other.

This is Vasan yet again reporting a case history from the files. As usual, we were sipping post-breakfast filter coffee, specially brewed by Curlocks from a delicate blend of Robusta and Arabica coffee from a client from Coorg. Curlocks had received some emails with attachments giving a case history of COVID victims. Curlocks said, “Vasan, get ready with your journal.”

Imagine a ninety-plus-year-old woman wheel-chair bound, who has not seen the world except her balcony for a few years testing positive for COVID. That too at the most expensive hospital in the city appropriately named as the Money-Pal Medical Centre where they charged four times the cost for an RT-PCR test. The old lady could not move her legs because of the infection but the medical centre conducted a battery of tests to conclude that.

She was sent home with her daughter Ragini who in the first place brought her to the hospital by a special ambulance which itself was a costly affair. The two lady assistants who take care of the old woman, a day later tested negative for COVID. Another daughter Malini did a Rapid Antigen Test and became RAT positive. She was in contact with her mother the previous weekend. The very next day Malini’s husband and her daughter tested positive by a home done RT_PCR test through a professional lab service organised by another medical centre named after a Greek God of medicine and healing. But the RT_PCR test results came negative for Malini herself who had started her medications, after RAT tested positive, which cost a neat little package of Rs 1000, prescribed by a good friend who was also a doctor.

As both Malini and her husband were due to travel for a wedding in a few days by flight they were in a quandary about making the journey. Flight cancellation due to Covid infection required proof of COVID test results which would make it eligible for a full refund. So, they went and re-tested in another diagnostic lab ironically named Zodiac (in a local language). Curlocks thought it was not as incongruent in a nation where the rocket scientists would mumble a prayer before launching the rocket. Malini told the lab assistant to take the swab properly because of the previous test by the Greek god bearing lab-tested negative. A day later the report from the Zodiac Lab announced that Malini was indeed negative. This sudden change from positive to negative in the COVID status could be only attributed to the efficacy of the medication Malini was taking. However, she felt that she was not up to the journey at all.

Then with the help of the RAT report, Malini’s daughter who had the experience of working in the travel sector took up the case with the travel portal for cancellation of the tickets and full refund because of COVID infection. While in the process it became clearly known that some segments of the travel itinerary got cancelled by the airlines themselves. So, back and forth between the airlines and the travel portal. Both Malini and her husband got a full picture of how their daughter can sweet talk professionally. While they often bear the brunt of her daughter’s ire in their family affairs in daily life.

In the meantime, Malini’s husband got in touch with the hotel they had booked in a hill station that was on their bucket list for cancellation which was promptly refused. With some persuasion, the hotel owner kindly agreed to keep the reservation until the financial year-end which implied that Malini and her husband need to make a travel in the next two months. Otherwise, they would lose the amount paid for the reservation, a tidy amount indeed.

In spite of some sweet talk by Malini’s daughter, confusing messages from the travel portal kept on coming. She dialled the travel portal with some real patience that a hungry cat would have that is stalking a rat. After what seemed like aeons the customer executive from the portal after some patient hearing confirmed that the refund request has been received and a full refund would be provided. A handsome amount of Rs 30 k plus, which the retired Malini and her husband would rue otherwise if it were not refunded.

I realised that a reader, like me, would have realised what Curlocks meant when he exclaimed not elementary, dear Vasan.

Then I asked quite confusedly how did the virus infect the old lady in the first place?

Curlocks sarcastically said “Ahah! You missed the point completely of this narrative. How the virus infects people is the job of an epidemiologist to determine. The point of the story is that there was enough proof to determine that the virus could not have originated in a communist country’s lab. Considering, in this narrative just for this episode the family would have spent nearly Rs 50k that would have benefited various private sector actors the virus must have surely originated in a western imperialist lab.”

I was quite stunned by this conclusion. Curlocks maintained a deadpan expression. I could just now catch the satire for which he was famous.