Notes From The Underground 91

The frightened and wounded expression on her face was followed first by a look of sorrowful perplexity. When I began calling myself a scoundrel and a blackguard and my tears flowed (the tirade was accompanied throughout by tears) her whole face worked convulsively. She was on the point of getting up and stopping me; when I finished she took no notice of my shouting: ‘Why are you here, why don’t you go away?’ but realised only that it must have been very bitter to me to say all this. Besides, she was so crushed, poor girl; she considered herself infinitely beneath me; how could she feel anger or resentment? She suddenly leapt up from her chair with an irresistible impulse and held out her hands, yearning towards me, though still timid and not daring to stir .... At this point there was a revulsion in my heart too. Then she suddenly rushed to me, threw her arms round me and burst into tears. I, too, could not restrain my-self, and sobbed as I never had before.

‘They won’t let me ... I can’t be good!’ I managed to ar-ticulate; then I went to the sofa, fell on it face downwards, and sobbed on it for a quarter of an hour in genuine hys-terics. She came close to me, put her arms round me and stayed motionless in that position. But the trouble was that the hysterics could not go on for ever, and (I am writing the loathsome truth) lying face downwards on the sofa with my face thrust into my nasty leather pillow, I began by degrees to be aware of a far-away, involuntary but irresistible feel-ing that it would be awkward now for me to raise my head and look Liza straight in the face. Why was I ashamed? I don’t know, but I was ashamed. The thought, too, came into my overwrought brain that our parts now were complete-ly changed, that she was now the heroine, while I was just a crushed and humiliated creature as she had been before me that night—four days before .... And all this came into my mind during the minutes I was lying on my face on the sofa.

to be contd..