Notes From The Underground 85

Notes From The Underground 85

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‘Into my house come bold and free, Its rightful mistress there to be.’

I stood before her crushed, crestfallen, revoltingly con-fused, and I believe I smiled as I did my utmost to wrap myself in the skirts of my ragged wadded dressing-gown— exactly as I had imagined the scene not long before in a fit of depression. After standing over us for a couple of minutes Apollon went away, but that did not make me more at ease. What made it worse was that she, too, was overwhelmed with confusion, more so, in fact, than I should have expect- ed. At the sight of me, of course.

‘Sit down,’ I said mechanically, moving a chair up to the table, and I sat down on the sofa. She obediently sat down at once and gazed at me open-eyed, evidently expecting some-thing from me at once. This naivete of expectation drove me to fury, but I restrained myself.

She ought to have tried not to notice, as though every-thing had been as usual, while instead of that, she ... and I dimly felt that I should make her pay dearly for ALL THIS.

‘You have found me in a strange position, Liza,’ I began, stammering and knowing that this was the wrong way to begin. ‘No, no, don’t imagine anything,’ I cried, seeing that she had suddenly flushed. ‘I am not ashamed of my poverty

.... On the contrary, I look with pride on my poverty. I ampoor but honourable .... One can be poor and honourable,’ I muttered. ‘However ... would you like tea? ....’

‘No,’ she was beginning.

‘Wait a minute.’

I leapt up and ran to Apollon. I had to get out of the room somehow.

‘Apollon,’ I whispered in feverish haste, flinging down before him the seven roubles which had remained all the time in my clenched fist, ‘here are your wages, you see I give them to you; but for that you must come to my rescue: bring me tea and a dozen rusks from the restaurant. If you won’t go, you’ll make me a miserable man! You don’t know what this woman is .... This is—everything! You may be imagining something .... But you don’t know what that woman is!

...’

to be contd...


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