The one that got away

Instincts are a largely inheritable and unalterable tendency to make a complex response without involving reason. How often do we listen to our instinct? Our gut feeling?

On an exhausted evening, an idle thought crossed my mind, perhaps a tad bit selfish.I sent energy into the universe pondering if having a girlfriend would perhaps help settle my work too, apart from emotions. A girl who is the daughter of a person with means. Little did I know the curious ways how universe operates!

The very next day, I was working in office, dreaming about lunch rather. A youthful voice from behind, suddenly filled the room with its sweetness.

“Do you guys want to have lunch?” she said to the whole group on the table.

She was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. To this day, I rue the fact that everyone said no to her.

Days turned into weeks, I used to see her wave at me from the opposite office. That radiance kept me moving in some really difficult work times. Lunches at terrace and idle chats, I became vividly aware of a fiery spirit. Later do I get to know, the women of my region share a wild fiery spirit, which I perceive as the mountain’s spirit flowing through them. I had met the woman of my dreams!

Come spring, I entered her office looking dapper in office formals, old school style, something our peers have let go as fashion. Never had I been so aware of someone scanning nor asked to turn around for a better look. It was amusing to entertain a bunch of giggling office going women. 

“I want to work with all the monasteries in the entire Himalayas”.

Sighing deeply, she said “At least someone in this room has a purpose. I wish I could do the same”. Being the hopeless childlike romantic, I immediately bought Jonathan Livingston Seagull for her. On it’s front page, I hand scribbled –

Never did I think I would see a snowflake in Gangtok again!

May you rise above all this bullshit and fly

But universe and my mood had different plans. That afternoon, she asked my help for work. Playfully punching me, we made a quid pro quo pact. “Excel is an art”, she gasped two hours later into the project.

Human relationships are dynamic and difficult. Concepts of Words, actions and time are different in every person, often not matching expectations and creating miscommunication.

 Her empty promise of doing my work in exchange remained empty. In hindsight, perhaps she meant to do it on a later stage of life.

“I gave up my family, social and personal life, my gf , to work here , not make your bloody report” shouting loudly on the streets she was brought up in.

What brought a smile to my face is when she innocently asked – “Do you have a girlfriend?”

How childish we get, when we are in presence of someone, we having already given our heart to. But we did have our first fight, and a pretty intense one at that. A few days later, precariously, I gave her the book and normalcy was attained.

Another empty promise lead to another fight. Waking up groggily from my Sunday afternoon siesta, the 3^rd strongest gut feeling of my life panged. I had to confront her and fix it. It was so strong that I just knew that I would otherwise be making a huge mistake.

Waiting for her on a bus stop, all I wanted to do was talk it out. Giving me her piece of her mind for a long time, she never wanted to speak to me again. I complied but ending the note on saying that when I met her, I saw a very spiritually evolved woman and this book would perhaps elevate above all bullshit. She asks my birthday (girls!!!!). I had made my peace, content that I fixed it and never had to deal with her again. After all, her fury did push me away. “ I would have taken you high and low, but now, you can forget about this” she had growled disdainfully.

Why would two people keep fighting with each other, again and again? Shouldn’t they just stay sway from each other? But it was as if cords were being pulled on its own and we were destiny’s dice.

She started making efforts to communicate, but I thwarted, scared of getting into a fight again. Unable to express her feelings, she gave me a candy as a peace offering and stole my heart. It’s rare when women end up saying sorry and I guess I cut the kiddo some slack. She started helping me with my work and took over my public relations. She pulled off our campaign in 4 days and got us tremendous public support. But the chaos in my life routine had still not settled.

Stress acts as a trigger for me.

Time to time, I enter a phase where a voice takes over as a self – preservation instinct and replaces the original guy. This voice is self - destructive, breaks a man’s spirit, shows altered realities, ruins health and distances loved ones, all without realizing consciously, until hospitalized. Both of us were unable to explain why I was losing it and like any normal person, it freaked her out. I became the devil in her eyes.

There happens to be some times in a few people’s journey, where they meet the perfect person, but unfortunate circumstances change the path of fate. This turbulence makes falling for anyone else impossible. To those people, this is an ode to the ONE THAT GOT AWAY!

This time, I lost my Faile. Shade of my heart. I lost her forever. May you soar!

(Faile is falcon in the Old Tongue)