Memories

Since childhood, my life is all about trials. I loved the way of experimenting with everything and I wanted to learn and grasp more and more things. The profession my ears listened to for the very first time, is an engineering and the curiosity of that young girl had grown up with me.

I wondered what I should choose. After my higher secondary lessons, I wasn’t ready for anything actually. But the fact was, I should choose something and my brain was on constant tracking those days. The curiosity of that young girl was still there in me. The hope to become a dream writer was in my heart. The expectation of my mom who admitted me into a civil service institution during my school days rushed into my mind. The dream of my friends, of me becoming a journalist; The dream of my coach, of me becoming a civil servant; The dream of my sister, of me, graduating from IIT. ..Gosh I was under big pressure.

Results came. No matter how prestigious the institution I studied was, my marks were an utter nuisance. I was a bit sad. My parents were depressed. ‘What about literature ?’, I asked him. His anger, plus someone else’s advice made him admit me to a nearby college. I said ‘ I won’t …even if you kill me!’ He didn’t listen to me. The thing is, he never listened to me. He took me to the very nearest Engineering college. I got admitted there. I was really happy. .. ‘at least this institution accepted my ranks even though it’s a money pack!’, that was my only thought.

‘What about my writing career. .My literature passion. .?’ I asked him. ‘They all learned the same. I have rarely seen them studying. You can write. In the end, You’ll become an engineer plus a recognized author, if the writing goes well’, he said. (They in the sense, my sisters ok. ..)

I was helpless. I couldn’t get angry because I was the one who scored pity marks. I wrote and wrote...My craziness level went high, to end up at a stage where my holidays were all sleepless nights. You know I was just bothered at myself, I really felt pity towards me. I didn’t know what to do. Because if I ended up in a pathetic stage of life, the only reason I could point to, was myself, was my laziness. 

Somehow, the first day of my B-tech life began. The first days of anything are prodigious to be remembered eternally and it was the same for me with regard to the very first day of my college life. That was a day when my nerves were tight with loads of anticipation, as well as sanguine lively desires. We enter a campus, maybe after too many fights with our parents regarding distinct choices available before us and when we traverse around, the unfolded dreams and unbounded wishes gather around the cloudy mind. I was so full of hope and expectations. Too many movies and fictions rush to the mind. Actually, they were all my kind of greedy conjectures. The campus, library, cafeteria, labs, workshops, buses, canteen, classrooms, exam halls, corridors… even the bitsy little things can give us so many memories. And I never wanted to miss a single little pleasure. 

But it was all a novice’s wrong suppositions. I didn’t know things would change drastically later. I didn’t know relationships would fracture miserably later. I didn’t know feelings would become deeper later. I didn’t know life would turn love into hatred, warmth into betrayal, and care into cling. I didn’t know something straight, something strong would become topsy-turvy. Literally, I didn’t know anything. Literally, I didn’t know that, I didn’t know anything. That’s the saddest part of all. And I never had a clear vision regarding anything. I thought I was right. Actually, nothing is wrong with that. But I never considered other rights. And that’s poignant.

 As days passed, I was ‘ a pain in the ass' to many. In a bird’s eye view, campus life is simple. Literally, really simple. But slowly and steadily things would change, relations would change, bonds would change. Maybe everything you once had does not at all belong to you anymore. Or maybe everything you regard as strange has become closer to you. At first, you seem to be always playing in the safe zone. And the fact is that by that point of your life or sooner you would have already entered the hazardous point of life. The only thing we can do is to live, to move on.

   And solving each problem one by one or moving forward step by step was somewhat tough. Or maybe it’s better to say, it was complex. But still, there was some fun, the fun of experiencing different things, the fun of experiencing struggles, the fun of solving life problems, the fun of making solutions to your and your dear one's problems. If life is a twisted tale, we are the tangled souls struggling to get out of yesterdays, struggling to move on to tomorrow's. And once I think about it all, everything is a memory, shattered and splintered.

I could scribble many things because I always could find some spare time in my B-Tech career. Whenever I felt depressed, the papers and pen made me relax, books and letters made me calm down. Rather than considering each mistake as a mistake, I would love to count it as an experience. And because of too many experiences, I’ve ended up becoming a stronger version of myself.

Pausing a while, the curtains of shattered pieces of my yesterdays are raising. I still feel that nervousness, I still feel that hope, I still can see myself somewhere around the campus. It’s really hard to digest that it was all a portrait of my past. If I’ve become someone who is able to stand on my own feet, no matter how complex my past was, how hard the struggle was, I survived and that’s what I consider as my victory.