They met by chance or they were destined to learn to mend their tormented psyche of liking and listening to each other after being apart and guess that could be the reason for anyone's meeting, No one knows this from the start?
They liked and cared for each other unconditionally at least this was the thought which made that connection to have happened in her life.
One thing which she could not think of was to like someone, to make him feel cared for and to share a part of her life, her time, her laughter, her attention, her emotions can hurt her someday. She always felt its better to like than to love, because love is all finicky about forever infinity and like doesn't bind, it is free and not fussy about commitment and rights.
Her phone rang and got disconnected then a text appears... Can you please call me?
... and when she made a call, their so called conversations started with him saying.....
"I was feeling reluctant to call you because I promised my wife that I will not be in touch with you anymore... I am not willing to talk... She is heartbroken because I was texting you ..... She is hurt... and always comes with a sarcastic note...., 'Are you not feeling alone?... You can talk to her if you want?' Everything is in its place... Its God's will, it has to be stopped. What I did, it was for myself, at that point of time what mattered to me was my happiness, I liked it so I liked it, it made me feel happy talking to you,I cannot forget you in my life, you have been my summer sunshine in my winter days and now my wife is judging you....I do feel heavy at times, I can not ask her to understand, questions will come to her mind... I should get over this as soon as possible...I am sorry and feel sorry for you... Repulse created in my life has to be nullified, this is what I need now!..so Good-byes and Take care."
It seems easy for him to declare and bid goodbye or it was kind of announced ghosting. She craves the way to see the small things as he do declarations of his actions. She cannot mourn the loss and absence of someone she once cared for, and maybe she still cares for but she understands his obligations, his fight with himself to divert his love-like emotion and receive the conditional love from his soulmate, though he deserves the unconditional love.
All she couldn't believe,
Is this the same person who always had talked about his fondness for her as a person and founded her conversations addictive?
Is he the one who said, "I miss the absence of a friend in my life, so I yearn for certain kind of warmth....for one maybe some kind of intimacy...not physical but more than that... I crave for words and depth."
She could not understand what's wrong in having friendly conversations and a hearty laugh with a person who is married now. A few years back situation was vice-versa and his approach and opinion on this connection were like some experiences are worst and some are even better, and he was very much sure that none of them would ever change, not even a bit. He claimed that he admire her as a friend from the purest part of his heart and its never going to be changed.
Is he the same who has always said, "I admire you a lot and now I respect you more.... It's always a pleasure listening to you and please call dear and say something good...really missing it."
He was the one who made her believe that he liked her so much, which obviously guided her emotions in a certain direction, though he was with her just because he felt alone for a period of time, and he wanted someone to fill in the gaps. Now he doesn't want to hear her anymore.
She recalled that once he said, "I would wish you this happiness to bloom that has grown inside you and wish I could do something more for you!"
What more good he can do by unveiling his priority and option. His words and actions were poles apart. In all his sorrows and worries she stood nowhere the weight of his worries is too much to take on and for this reason, she chooses to give up away silently, she felt bad and hurtful at his announcement, which reflected his priorities and not God's will.
Imagine what that would feel like if she did that same thing with him. One question she tried to ask him was, "Did you mean anything you had said? Or was it just a lie?
Please! Don't let anyone get attached and drop them like they don't even matter.".... she could not say a word, she didn't say one damn word.
....Still it did not go all in vain because she can't change her priorities unlike him, and she simply tried hopefully to empowered herself by reminding with a thought there's no point in forcing him to let that window open which once she had opened for him because she also felt connected to him after his blazing confessions and now when he is treating her like an option, she chose to help him by narrowing his choices, by removing herself from the equation. She never wants to be the reason for bringing discomfort to him anyways.
Earlier they were far but near, now the world is too large to cross over sometimes it takes years to cross and meet and other times you might never have that time. Sometimes we just need to distance ourselves from people. If they care, they will notice... what if they don't, we know where we stand.
She smiled like always, because her thoughts and actions were like sunshine and rainbow..... someone has rightly said, " Rainbows glory is shed when the clouds are scattered" .... and this time the clouds of dissociation had pricked her somewhere...
How much it hurts amidst all the smile,
Coz this way of feeling connected is what one earns for once in a while.
The clouds of announced ghosting had haunted her liveliness but for her life goes on the wheels of smiles no matter.....
Maybe this is not the right time to look for a connection, maybe before a breakthrough this breakdown is inevitable, maybe it's about being given a chance to reclaim her joy and to make the most natural extension of her, to let it spill out of her words, and her laughter, and her tears.....
A tearful retrospection leads to introduce her a feeling unknown...
It's a learning experience and there is always, always, always something to be thankful for..... it's better he did it now rather than later on.... what if he deserves to choose and settle for his priorities, she deserves the one who follows through on his words at least..... after all, her behavior says everything about her and his behavior says enough about him... Just enough!
Enough to put a full stop and end this Tearful Retrospection.