"YES! The Moment Seizes Us!"
"YES! The Moment Seizes Us!"12 mins 1.9K 12 mins 1.9K
.... 'Rewrite the stars' ....with this song the door bell rang, she gathered all her strength to get up from bed as she has suffered from fever since two days.....before she could open the door.... 'Aapki nazro ne samjha' ....next played Sanam Puri's mesmerizing voice ...... which made her smile like always, she opened the door ..... despite not being well she quickly grabbed the packet of the courier boy and signed the acknowledgment.
Aha! .... there's something which is definitely going to give her relief ....
She was holding ...... 'Emotion' one of the several psychology journals published by the American Psychological Association, and this copy was sent by an acquaintance Michael L. Slepian who is Asst. Professor in the management division of Columbia Business School for peer-review.
She slides the curtains, to let the sunlight in and laid herself into the swing as if to experience the movement and avoid stillness, she rested on the swing with her eyes closed and recalled that day when she got an invitation to attend an International Seminar on 'Psycho-social realm in psychology' at BHU, Varanasi and was all set to prepare for her paper presentation. This is something which always excites her to such an extent that she gets butterflies in her stomach right before her presentation. She really loves attending such seminars not because it enhances her knowledge to next level but because it provides a better insight to herself and an opportunity to debate with people like Michael L. Slepian and others across the globe with their novel ideas.
The time allotted for her presentation was six minutes, she became excited and nervous at the same time ...... and came back to her senses when the seminar hall is filled with huge hands of applauding.... this recall of memory made her to feel better. She felt an urge ..... to have a scoopful of Baskin Robin's ..... Rum Raisins, this is one thing she wants to have when she wants to pamper herself. She can't wait to satisfy her urge .... she jumped out from the swing and took two scoopfuls of delicious rum raisins ice cream from the refrigerator and said, "Hey Alexa, play me a romantic song" ...... Okay playing 'Ghar se nikalte hi' from Google home ..... It was difficult to differentiate whether ice cream or the song what is actually soothing her?.... but now she seems okay ...... savoring ice cream, enjoying music, the movement of the swing by tapping on the floor and her favorite pastimes to inhale a book .... this time it is 'Emotion' a journal.
She flicked through the 'Emotion' and the title 'Shame, guilt and secrets on the mind' by Michael L.Slepian, Kirby and Kalokerinos draws all her attention. Slepian's program of research examines the intersection of secrecy, trust and motivation. The inference of that research paper has pinned her in some frames, which reveals that the real problem with secrecy seems not to be having to hide a secret, but to live with it and to think about it. This leads led her to flash back....just three days before when Abhineet was leaving to attend a meeting at Myanmar.
... They were together on a lunch date as on Dec. 8th...their marriage anniversary Abhi will be on an official trip, while having lunch he was busy replying some mail and attended few phone calls, between all this he gave her lovable glimpses and smiles to say ...just a minute. She wanted to say, you better be with your official commitments I'm leaving, but instead she smiled and gave a nod, she doesn't want to hurt him right before his departure, as she strongly believes to bid goodbyes on nice notes, which should bring a smile and no regrets....but today her patience is wearing thin...on the way to an airport they exchanged no words, however he asked smiling, "You're unhappy? Is everything alright? You can plan for vacation to some new destinations or pamper yourself by shopping".... these questions and suggestion was enough to stimulate her outburst..... She answered, "Where are you lost all the time? I need you, your attention, your words, your expression and not these vacations and shopping.... UM...mm ... sorry .... sorry for over reacting .... Not unhappy .... a little lost may be"....her response made him to park the car right on a one way street in bewilderment ....and he was in an utter state of confusion, "Should I cancel this trip?" .....he cupped her chin and lifted her face up, his eyes filled with wonder, he leaned on her forehead and she rested her hands on his chest pushing him back, when she realized how close are they..... "Hey ! No PDA (Public display of affection) .... Please! ......go now or else you will miss your flight... I will be alright" she refused to look into his eyes and muttered about to an unusual tone.
Today, she was still but diving into her thoughts, something is missing...... phone rang....
The clock struck 2, she picked the phone and before she could say hello....it was a breeze of excitement in a deep voice..... "Hey! Sweet heart.... Can't wait to see you!..... I've missed you... about to board the flight...will reach Lucknow tonight... We are gonna celebrate our anniversary together" said Abhineet.
She snugly said, "Same here.....Looking forward to see you soon...I've missed me too".....and her guess was right, he could not notice her last words as if they were like water under the bridge.
Abhineet is unpredictable that's why every moment with him is very fascinating, it's never a dull moment with him. Since they got engaged their relationship is rooted in love, compassion and understanding. Like the ocean, he knows how to love in waves. She finds him the most hardworking, humble and resilient soul in a short span of eighteen years of their marriage.Yes, sometimes eighteen years are a short span of time when someone is set on an excursion into exploring the most loving husband and friend. Time does not decide intimacy. She has explored that he loved her through all her stages and sizes, he filled colors in her black and white tantrums, spoilt their kids with unconditional love and attention.Together they all laugh till their stomachs hurt and cheeks ache, he loved her the way she is, what else is she expects now?
..... Just to switch off her brain and a power nap.She rushed to the bedroom and made herself comfortable under the blanket.
Now, this amazing God's gift, the human brain is no less than a time machine in which she traveled past eighteen years in a minute but she was feeling restless for not being able to comprehend what all happened in a last year. She is lively and her liveliness gets escalated by words, especially this is what she expects from Abhi. She laid with her eyes closed but her mind and soul were fluttering in few last months.
It's crazy how life works sometimes, it's never been easier to cross the line and its never been more difficult to keep a secret, one day she crossed the line, which she never thought she would cross, an affair about other lessons she never had. She simply agreed to certain things and didn't do anything too bad, though she did something she have never done before and not even given a thought that she would violate some of her rules, but she knew her limits. She may not care about several things but society might feel just a little differently. Some thoughts are worthless which always wanted a reason for doing something. She never wanted to hurt Abhineet. This desire for attention, desire for novelty, desire to feel chose, desire to feel special, desire to feel important have propelled her to cross the line. She seems to be lured by the power of forbidden that if we do that which we are not supposed to do then we really feel doing what we want to do.
All this led her to think, am I going for another 18 years like this?
Is this is it?
Is there more?
Will I ever feel that thing again?Feeling alive!
She was burning with curiosity, and she followed her desire..... the desires started running and she followed them.
They suddenly popped down a large hole.
She jumped into the hole too!...desires went down... and down... and down... and down.....She said aloud, "Where am I now?"
A voice echoed, very much similar to her.....
"Are you pursuing your desire? Aren't you callously indulged in the process of hurting yourself and your loved ones? Who can save you from falling down?"
She mustered up some courage and was able to say NO! ... NO! ... NO! I can't do that!.... never....ever.
"Then what is this all about?"...similar voice echoed and raised a question...."
This time she found herself hanging in the air, but felt clouds under her feet and felt more calmer and ready to speak her mind and heart...
She started by saying..... "Desire runs deep, and I feel when we seek the gaze of another, it isn't always our partner that we are turning away from, but the person that we become, and it isn't so much that I was looking for another person, as much as I was looking for another self.....this deadliness of myself runs deep but an attempt is made to beat back the deadliness and heal myself inside out, an affair is a way less about sex and a lot more about desire. .........there seems a paradox... this is not at risk of losing everything, it is a kind of expression of longing and yearning for emotional connection, a wish to recapture lost parts of myself or trying to bring back vitality."
A shadow appeared, .... Really! You mean what you say?... Then prove it ! And clouds disappeared....she felt drowned...down... and down...and down...
Thump! She landed on a pile of papers and ..... broken.... her dream.... and she screamed .... "No! I can't lose you".
She finds her all in sweat, and lifted her face left to look up in the mirror and she met a new version of hers...ready to turn this situation into a generative experience and thus last year's experience is comprehended in a power nap. She took a long shower letting the warm spray envelop her, got dressed in a blue saree and went to the garden.She likes feeling the breeze and listening songs on a swing in the garden. The peace in the garden has always held a special allure for her. It's 6 p.m. in the evening, she smiled at the arousal of a thought...
.........'Every dusk is a promise of a dawn.'
The car horn honked, she looked in that direction.....it's Abhi holding beautiful red roses, with their stem wrapped in a tissue paper... and this time he surprised her by his early arrival.
He gave her the bunch of roses saying, "Beautiful flowers for the amazingly beautiful woman"
She smiled and threw a question..."How come I am amazingly beautiful?"
This time Abhi was not in a mood to let go this opportunity like always, he said..."Look wise you are very beautiful but thought wise even more beautiful, that's what altogether makes you amazingly beautiful".
His reply surprised her, suddenly a quiet person like Abhi seems to have this new disorder of expressing himself on a new note, but she felt pleased by his response.
They together moved inside the home and her footwear got trapped in the carpet and she was about to fall, Abhi saved her and took in his arms but the bunch of rose has fallen, she picked the roses and got astonished to look at the crumbled tissue paper on which some words seem scribbled, she looked at Abhi by surprise....
He didn't say anything to her... she started reading .....
Do you remember camp fire during winter break in 'Aangan' ...sometimes on rooftop!
If you sit very close to it you feel like moving away and the moment you try to stay away you feel so cold that it pulls you back!
I think that's how our relationship is now after 18 years of marriage.
We can sit with each other for hours without even saying a word ! I can watch my phone and you work around kitchen. I don't think there's much left to be said in words!
Mere eye contact is enough!
You know what I mean!... I've already told you I am very bad at expressing myself and your presence in my life makes my world full of happiness and contentment that I stopped appreciating and caring for your emotional quotient.I wish I could realise it earlier that you are swallowing your feelings.
It's hard to put in words, but I really want you to be lively and happy, I feel extremely sorry to make you feel void sometimes such that you've started missing you, Yes! I've felt something lost, may be that warmth we shared, when you said, "I've missed me too!", instead of reacting to that statement, I preferred to resolve it in my way. There's a lesson underneath every problem that we face, I know you have lost yourself in the process of being a good girl, good wife, good mother, taking care of in-laws, but I had always admired you for your sense of individuality, because I knew this is your happiness, all I can do is assure you where ever life takes you, you can always come back to me.I wish you to be just you. I love you and your ways
Someone who promises you to suffice your wish for longing and yearning of emotional connection not for once but for always.
She could not read the letter to an end, she looked up locking her eyes with him saying,
...."Why all these beautiful words on a tissue paper?"...
He exclaimed, "Oh please,this is all I could find on flight, now don't say anything about handwriting and grammatical errors...... I was just trying to write something which may please you and bring smile on your face, not these tears, but then I chose to bring flowers for you, I don't know what made me to wrap these flowers in that tissue paper."
She felt connected, something that is always going to exist there. Even in the mud and scum of things and trials, something always, always sings and brings smile.To make a difference in someone's life one don't had to be brilliant, rich, beautiful or perfect, one just have to care. That's a very deep bond.They say your life can change in a split second....
Her did that moment!
It's hard to put in words, it was how he looked at her........ something about the fear of loss of that warmth in their relationship has rekindled that want and made a way to entirely new kind of truth.
He looked at her and gave his charismatic smile....he saw a twinkle in her eyes and a smirk on her lips.
....scarlet lips, wavy tresses and sultry gaze was making him difficult to handle ....
He said, "You look beautiful !" and this compliment made her feel giddy, embarrassed, nervous and pleased at the same time....
She could feel Abhi looking at her,waiting to respond, but she couldn't, then .....came an announcement....your Zook speaker is ready to connect and that's what Abhi was doing and played.....
"It's amazing how you can speak right to my heart, without saying a word, you can light up the dark.......You say it best when you say nothing at all...... " by Ronan Keating
She watched him with fascination.
...its cliche to say......
"Seize the moment!"
She was kind of thinking it the other way round....Like....
........ "The moment seizes Us!"