To The Courage To Express The Feelings...

Dearest Deary,

Miserable misery I am; yet, I have the audacity to adore you. Forgive me for my selfishness… I have never stolen anyone's time as much as yours. I don't even know whether you genuinely like spending your time with me. Sometimes, I feel you just want to show pity to me as I whine like an abandoned puppy. Sorry Babe for sharing all my traumas with you!

They have become too heavy, and I want to let go of them and give life a chance. Is it a sin to fall in love with a person without any conditions? I don't want to fit you in any label. I am aware of how much I lack to even look at you under the scrutiny of social norms. Yet, I choose to be around you and keep falling for you. You know not how profoundly I feel grateful for your kindness in accepting the things I give you. As I have only love to give in abundance and I don't understand why I feel like giving it all to you. Somehow, I connect with you at deeper level and don't understand why. I feel Universe has sent you to me to feel alive after so much bereft and loss. 

Now that your on-site has been confirmed, the fear of losing you creeps in. Isn't handling losses my expertise? Isn't loss the only tangible thing that I am left to live with? When I think about letting you go, my heart instantly becomes super heavy. I don't even know whether I am fully ready to reveal that I have feelings for you... But the idea of not seeing you for years makes me go into panic mode. So, I just expressed or shared the feelings I have for you as a friend though I was not so sure how will I take it even if you reciprocated positively. Thanks to you, you handled it so politely with civility. You didn't reject in my face yet subtly you put across the idea that you are not into me... I am thankful that you gave me a safer space to share with you how I feel. 

You are unapologetically practical and believe in only tangible facts. So, you know distance and time will just erase the past from your memory even. Indeed, I will soon be one of your 1000 friends you just don't even remember anymore. For me, everything is by choice, if I choose to stick with a person, time and distance can never stop me. I have always been a significant person to all my friends so far. Again, I don't have 1000 friends, I am a nice person to everyone who meets me, but I choose to carry only very few people beyond time and space with me. You shed people while you run your marathon as they are heavy to carry... And you are one of the gifted people to forget things easily and move on with life... 

You keep pointing out to me that no one should be knowing better than me how I am insignificant and irrelevant as I have lived through too many losses. You keep reminding me that I don't even have control to fix problems of my own and how can I dare to find solutions for others' problems. You keep me engaged intellectually by throwing a perception I never wondered before.  Anything and everything I believe, you question and challenge me to rethink my whole existence! The funny part is you don't even consciously know the depth of the things you say. Your philosophy of 'doing nothing is the best thing you can do to one' through a Cadbury chocolate ad made me revisit everything I did with pride of goodness and kindness. It's so insightful but I act instinctively as a reflex if someone is in trouble. Indeed, you defy my emotional intuition and moral compass. Though we are poles apart, I find a spark in us that way. 

I respect you for who you are though you are so different. I still believe I can understand you without words. I somehow felt that though our take on life is two extremes, our sensibilities and values are the same; so, you can respect my deeds and I can respect yours. Yet, you deny it so strongly that you masked to make me feel comfortable. Yet, I don't fall for the words you uttered, but I fell for the unuttered words of your eyes. All I know is, it's not the right timing and I expressed it too early even before I was ready and of course you are not ready to even think. Knowing your priorities, I should have waited, but it wasn't even a proposal... I do know that you won't reciprocate positively somewhere back of my mind. According to me, it was just a 'spontaneous overflow of powerful feelings'. As I have been famously known for being slow and waited too long in too many occasions, I tried differently this time which is not my forte and no wonder I failed!

It's sad, even without proposing, I got rejected yet again. I am a fiasco of love and hit my hattrick failures ludicrously. Anyways, I just decided not to fight for it or against it, as both hurt deeply. I live life as the way it comes and leave the rest to time's serendipity. All I wish for you is that everything falls in place for you! I hope you might remember me in the future. Thank you for every precious minute you shared with me! I love you forever... 

With immense love and gratitude...