Pappa, I love you!

Dearest Pappa,

I love you to the moon and back! I am so proud to be your son and this letter is to convey my deepest gratitude and tell you how much you mean to me. Pappa, I don’t know whether you remember the days that you took me regularly to the cricket ground. I was as little as 4- or 5-year-old, you used to walk me to the cricket ground. I knew nothing about cricket but for me, you were the best cricketer in the world. All I did was just picking balls that came to boundaries and I felt so proud of myself for doing that. Then, we both used to walk home back talking about the game. My little brain never understood many things in detail but I still can feel the warmth of your hand as my little hand was shoved in yours. Indeed, that was the most secure and protective feeling ever I had. I am so thankful for that, Pappa!

After I turned 15, you delivered me to the society like a bowler spins the ball to the bat to be hit. Indeed, I felt so when I was sent to study in a hostel. I have never talked about it but it hit me so hard that my time of holding your hand just disappeared after that, and even after two decades, I still couldn’t believe it. I don’t even have the rights to blame you for that as I have never asked for an appeal. Instead, I alternated a cricket bat that was as warm as your hand to hold on and that was the most meaningful thing that connects you with me profoundly. As I always feel that you could have been a part of Indian cricket team as you were a such great cricketer. A cricket bat is the most tangible thing that I can carry wherever I go and whenever I feel like holding. So, I hold on to it as my life depends on it. Indeed, only that gives me the feeling of comfort and calmness that I get when I am around you. I try my best not to separate myself from cricket as it feels like I am nothing without it as much as I am nothing without you, Pappa.

I do understand that your love was so pure and you never pushed me to do better or be better at something; you embraced me as the child I was and as the grown man as I am now. But why are you so loving, Pappa? You could have pursued cricket as your career and I am sure you had that opportunity, but you chose to do a 9-5 job just to provide us and to spend time with us. I still think neither me nor mom or brother is worthy of your sacrifices. Nevertheless, I love how simple and straightforward your choices are. Every time, you choose us more than investments and promotions. I still wonder how can you do that relentlessly again and again.

These days, we don’t talk much as we have to fit the set social standards of Indian household. You are that rigid father who has accomplished everything as you planned and I am that careless son who doesn’t fit the mold of social norms. Deep down, I always want you to choose your passion more than family. I feel like you have never lived your life the fullest. Instead, you have been living your life for the family’s well-being and your sons’ successful lives. You are such a humble man who is fine with the simplest goals of others’ happiness at the cost of yours. Indeed, that quality of yours makes me feel angry at you or at myself as I can neither be like you nor succeed in choosing the passion that you didn't pursue. Somehow, we lost translations in our communication with these internal conflicts that I am fighting inside me. I am so sorry, Pappa! Either I hardly talk to you or I talk harshly to you. However, I am still that wounded little boy who longs to hold your hand and walk to the cricket ground to see you play…

Your Loving Son