Smile And Silence

New job first day post induction :

I went at sharp 7.30 am. I met my manager. He introduced me to the team. He showed me my desk and told me about my training was going to start from tomorrow as the girl who was supposed to take it was on leave. The day went calm as I did nothing apart from the breakfast the lunch and reading few pages of process information.

The next day :

My day started with the introduction to my trainer. Her name was Laxmi. I firmly believe that the training period lays the foundation of our progress and growth in the organisation. We had a short conversation about the process and the transaction I was going to be trained on. I jolted down few important things and then the training period began. It was a constructed two weeks schedule with second week consisting of an on job training.

The first two days of training were quite occupied ones. Lots of notes and loads of process knowledge. Laxmi was very much knowledgeable. She was training me with lot of intent. I was also equally matching up to her intent. I was quite impressed by the way she was teaching me. She was so serious about her job and she was literally making me understand every corner of the process as if she wants to empty herself with the knowledge she has and leave nothing with her.

Two weeks passed briskly. I had started processing by now. Me and Laxmi use to sit together as I being the newbie use to have a lot of queries. Laxmi was very helpful even after the training. She never ignored any of my queries. I was about to enter in the fourth week with the company.

I used to observe Laxmi quite closely. She never spoke with me without any reason. In fact it was not only about me but with everyone in the team. She was the only one in the team who use to work continuously for hours till the shift completes. She use to take her lunch break at her fix time of 1 pm and that too alone. Strangely nobody in the team also use to ask her about having the lunch or the breakfast together.

Laxmi was never involved in any activities of the team other than work. Even on Fridays there use to be fun on Friday stuff which was a stress buster thing which every team use to follow with some fun activity. I never saw Laxmi participate in that too. Laxmi's behaviour was making me anxious day by day and the reason for the same.

There was something which was always forcing me to know the reason about her strange behaviour. The question was about, why a talented girl like Laxmi was behaving in a manner which was segregating her from the team or rather she was already segregated from the team. I knew if I try to find the reason with the team mates I am never going to get a correct answer as I am aware of how point of views for a person can differ within the team.

After a long thought process I decided to take a step ahead. I really wanted to know what is stopping her from interacting with people. Why she is wearing the silence. One morning I went for the breakfast and brought two cup cakes on the return. As we were sitting beside each other. I kept both those cup cakes on the desk in the middle of us. She saw the cakes and continued working. I picked one of it and started eating in front of her. I picked another one and moved the cake forward to her asking her....

Me: laxmi. Have it...

Laxmi looked at me, looked at the cake and nodded her head with a big "no" mask on her face.

Me: why? you don't like cakes...

Laxmi: nothing like that... Don't feel like eating..now..

Me: I said ok... and I ate both the cakes.

I wasn't disappointed at all. My only intention was to break her silence and doesn't matter if it was just a line from her but I made her talk. I was more than happy. My question still wasn't answered. Making her talk was only one of those steps to reach there. Her silence was still a question mark standing in between us.

The next day I did the same thing but today I brought a single packet of chips. I unsealed it and moved the packet towards her. She saw the packet and said no .I then said...

Me: what happened??? today also not feeling like eating.. she looked at me and said nothing.

Me: Is it about you don't like to eat all this or is it about you don't want to eat anything from me.

She: look listen carefully. It's all about I don't want to eat. Doesn't matter you offer me or someone else. I only eat when I feel like eating.

I kept looking at her. She was angry. later she continued doing her work again. This time too I wasn't disappointed I knew this was another win for me. She was talking at least but somewhere inside I still felt there is still a lot of distance to cover.

The next day I went to office a bit late. I got up late actually, the sleep god was offering his blessings on me and I was accepting wholeheartedly. I had my breakfast at home. When I reached office it was around 10 am. My manager told me about the volume being too high today and there is a client call too for me and Laxmi. There were some updates to share about our transaction. I went to my desk Laxmi was as usual completely drowned in the work.

I started working and after an hour or so Laxmi spoke to me. "Client call at 1.30 pm have your lunch before that, I have mailed you some details just go through it before the call.

We completed the call and another meeting. We were asked to stay back for another two hours due to the volume. I had a break at 5 in the evening. I returned back and started working. Laxmi wasn't on her desk. I was searching for her, I wanted to thank her for the help on my first client call. She really handled me very well.

After 10 minutes she was back. I immediately moved towards her and then:

Me: Laxmi, thanks for today. If you weren't there I would have been short of confidence.

For a moment my mind was grinding thoughts. Laxmi was looking at me and at the end of her stare there arrived her reply:

Laxmi: welcome.

Without wasting anytime I just released the chocolate which I was holding in my hand and kept it in front of her. She looked at me and was about to say something but before she could speak a word I triggered my words and then...

Me: hold on Laxmi I can explain... Yesterday you told me that you only eat "when you feel like eating". I have checked and confirmed the manufacturing date and the expiry date of this chocolate and there are still 8 months more. So I am keeping it here. Until the next 8 months whenever you

"feel like eating" have it. It's your wish..

I knew something was going to burst out and I was ready for every possible result. For few seconds after that I felt like the time has stopped. She was staring at me and then there was something which pierced that moment and that was her smile. Yes she smiled. She was trying to hide it but somehow it was out of her control at least for that moment. She also took the chocolate and kept it with her.

The day ended with a victory but I wasn't thinking about it. The only thing flashing before me was her smile. Goodness me, her smile was so beautiful and that moment was all about her. I couldn't or rather I didn't move my eyes out of her. That day I realised There's nothing more powerful than a smile. It has the power to change the moment.

The next day :

While logging into my system I wished her good morning...

I was expecting a reply....and she replied..

Morning.... With a half smile..and she continued working..

I was thinking about my next move...

She ate the chocolate she smiled but ab aage Kya... My confidence was high but I didn't want to misuse it. My motive is to release her from the prison of silence, but how??? just when I was thinking our manager dropped a mail. The mail was for me and Laxmi. Regarding a visit to Jaipur site and a presentation which we need to show regarding the progress of the ongoing project.

The manager called us both to the meeting room and explained about it. It was a week's stay. We had a flight on Sunday 4 pm.

We reached Jaipur and checked in the hotel around 8 pm. As usual we both were quiet during the journey. She didn't spoke a single word except at the start were she asked me to sit at the window. I was really frustrated and at the hotel I told her..

Me: Laxmi listen.. I am new to Jaipur and except you I don't know anyone here and it's almost impossible for me to stay here without speaking a word. So until I develop your skill of zipping up the mouth can I please expect some conversation till we reach Mumbai again.

Laxmi: we are here for business purpose. company expects us to do our job accurately and that is what we are paid for. Let's focus on the cause.

Me: ohhh common don't give me that reason. What are you trying to show by your this kind of behavior, that you are different from others you are very much work centric. You are not going to earn any special award or promotion by this. People around you have a lot of negativity about you. Please try to understand and come out of this zone. Stop showing yourself as a unique personality.

Laxmi: she was staring at me with those angry eyes. She moved towards me and said : how could you say that.. since how long you know me, 2 months three months and what crap you are talking about me. What to do you know about me and who are you to speak about me. You don't have any right to speak about me. If you weren't my colleague I would have slapped you.

I don't want to be here for a second more.

She started walking towards her room. I ran towards her and then...

Me: laxmi.. Laxmi listen to me... Laxmiiiiiii please one sec.. please listen to me...

and she stopped..

Laxmi now listen to me. Did you notice how much you spoke.. this is what I was trying to do. Making you bring out of yourself. Let me tell you Laxmi.. those words of yours had harsh meaning but for me they were sounding sweet. This is just because I know how much I have tried to make you speak.. I have tried everything till today just to make you speak just to throw the mask of silence which you are wearing. I had given it everything I can to bring a smile on your face.

Laxmi was looking at me and she suddenly started crying she sat in the lawn crying and I was clueless about what to do now...I rushed towards her and tried to control her.

Laxmi what happened... Laxmi stop crying Laxmi please stop crying.. I quickly ran and got a bottle of water and gave it to her. She wiped her tears and looked at me and then she said:

Laxmi: Why are you doing this???

Me: I don't know. I will be very honest with you. I don't know why I am doing this. I only know that you don't deserve to be living a life you are living right now. I don't know if you only be like this when you are in office but whatever I have known you that doesn't suggest that you play different characters.

You are such a talented girl and my heart says you are a beautiful human being. Its unbearable to see you so quiet and above all I want to know what is keeping you aside in a world of silence,speak up Laxmi tell me.

Laxmi: what difference is it going to make if I tell you or not. Things are not going to change. It's better that we don't get into few things and leave them the way they are.

Me: Laxmi, what difference it would make is a later part. Currently it's affecting you and I want to know what it is. Trust me Laxmi I will make sure that whatever it is it will stay within us. Even if you aren't concerned about the world around you. You can still read the person in front and I definitely have no doubt about you have already read me and you know how I am.

Laxmi kept looking at me. She dint speak anything for the next few seconds. Her body language was quite down and her immortal silence again took control on her.

I was left with no option rather than to move towards my room. I got up and just when I was about to walk she spoke.. Do you remember Nepal earthquake 2015..

Me: yes I do..

Laxmi : I was with my family over there. We were on a holiday. My father and mother in law, my husband and my 3 year old daughter.

Only me and my mother in law survived. The earthquake swallowed my entire family

I was born in Delhi and after marriage continued staying in Delhi. When I returned back to Delhi from Nepal. Delhi wasn't the same Delhi which I left at the time when I went to Nepal.

This Delhi was filled with all my memories. I started feeling like a stranger even at my own house. Everyday was like a big heavy stone of memories on my back which I had to carry and keep walking. Life was becoming more difficult for me. Sometimes I felt I should end myself but then I use to think about my mother in law. She was living for me and I was living for her.

What option did I had rather than to stay alive till my time ends. I was raised by my mother as per my mom I never saw my father he died when I was 6 months old. Going back to my mother was not an option as I also had to look after my mother in law. So we all started living together, Me, my mother and my mother in law.

Last year my mother in law passed away as she was not keeping well since a long time. Few days Later I decided to move to Mumbai and start working. I didn't want that sympathy and that extra focus on me. I didn't want to be looked differently as a widow or an earthquake survivor. So I decided to not disclose anything not even my marriage and also the incident that shook my life.

Till now it's been only you who has tried so hard to know me. A few of them asked but I never responded and they also didn't bother to know. That's all I have...she spoke and went back to her room.

I was still there and I never expected and I couldn't believe what I heard. That night I didn't sleep. I was thinking about her the whole night and many times my eyes were wet thinking about the misery she is going through. That night change my whole conception towards life.

All my thoughts to bring Laxmi out of her zone were getting weaker. I was constantly thinking about how I was going to change her life. Things were getting difficult. Our stay ended in Jaipur the week passed so quickly. We completed the job we were here for. Both I and Laxmi only spoke on professional subjects. On our departure to Mumbai Saturday Finally I decided to speak to her in the flight.

Me: Laxmi I am sorry.. I shouldn't have stretched on your personal life. If I had even the slightest of hint about it was something so severe I wouldn't have done this. But believe me Laxmi my intent was only to bring you out of the jive in which you were getting sucked and getting immersed day by day. You were not living neither surviving but you were dying day by day which I couldn't see.

I have no answer for why everything happened with you but currently what I know is Laxmi, things have settled down now. We don't know how long the time would be good to us but what we need to do is just utilise our good time to be Happy. There may or may not be bad days ahead but without focusing on it we need to walk ahead and not only walk ahead but walking ahead creating opportunities to be happy and simultaneously using those opportunities to be happy and motivate ourself to justify our existence. Laxmi believe me if you survived from that earthquake then there is some reason why you are alive. It might be too easy for me to say all this things but believe me this is the truth and we need to go ahead with it. KILL the old Laxmi and start everything new it would take time but yes you will breathe free. That's all I have to say.

She didn't respond and continued looking out of the window. The Return journey was quite faster compared to our arrival. We landed in Mumbai and came back home.

Mumbai office, Monday :

I was sharp 7.30 am in the office. Laxmi wasn't there yet. I started working..

post 2 hours... Laxmi still wasn't there...

My manager dropped an email about Laxmi is not coming today and forwarded few cases from her queue to me for urgent processing.

The day was a quite busy one.. on quite a few occasions on that day. It happened that I looked at her empty desk. I logged off late at 6:00 pm extended shift. I walked outside the company gate and was looking for the auto towards station.

Seems that aaj bohot kaam Kiya tumne ( you worked a lot today) a voice stopped me from moving ahead..

I turned back and was surprised to see Laxmi standing...

She came towards me and then...

Laxmi: kitna time laga Diya ( you took a lot of time) I am waiting since 4.30 pm for you...

For me.. I replied.. I didn't get you Laxmi and you are here you didn't came to office today.

Laxmi was looking a bit changed I don't know what exactly she did but was looking different. May be a small makeover she was looking refreshing and most importantly beautiful. She was smiling and that smile was filling colours in the evening.

She had a small box with her and a card..

Laxmi: This is for you take it... Thank you so much Rishi.. that day whatever you told me in the flight changed my thinking a lot. I thought a lot about it and I don't know but there was something different in me post that talk in the flight. I was feeling a lot refreshed relaxed and above all more positive. In fact in Jaipur that night when I spoke to you I cried also but that actually healed me a lot. I felt emptied from inside. in all those years the difference that made to me this time was that there was actually someone who was not only interested to know about me but also intended to heal me.

Believe me Rishi I feel like I got a re-birth.. thank you so much...

Open it and see what I have brought for you...

It was a watch and a greeting card with a message..

" A watch for a person who gave me a new time"

I was so happy to see her Happy and smiling. I didn't have any words at that moment. I spoke only few words..

Me: the watch is beautiful and Laxmi believe me I only showed you what you already had. Live freely and most important don't forget to wear that smile everyday.. it is not only beautiful but an absolute magic...

She smiled again and said...

Laxmi: yes... let's leave now and come tomorrow on time...

"Bohot saari baatein karni hai"...

I looked at her and we smiled together... I saw her she was waving me while leaving her eyes were looking at me with so much affinity... it was like she still wanted to talk and be there forever.

I told her... go now....it's already late. She was walking ahead and looking back making gestures with her hand to meet tomorrow and smiling all the way. I didn't leave from there until she disappeared from that moment and she was asking me constantly with her gestures to go home and I was like yes yes nodding my head and asking her to go first..

We both left from there with probably a similar feeling within us and I think I won't be completely wrong if I assume that everyone understood what it is about...

The most beautiful feeling in the world isn't it??