Lone Wolf

Since my husband died, I have woken up to a world I am in complete emotional misery. In all the years Jeremy and I were together, I never thought about what I would do if I woke up one day and he was gone. I'm not talking about the kind of gone that explains what happens when two people decide to go their separate ways, but they're both living in different houses. I'm talking about the kind of gone that explains what happens when two people are together for 16 years, and one of them passes away suddenly.

I used to allow my thoughts to wander and would ask myself what I would do if we ever got divorced. Never in a million years did I ever stop to think what I would do if he died. We Pinky promised each other that we would grow old together, and we'd both die on the same night. That is what I was expecting to happen in my life, but that's not what happened.

The idea of getting a divorce from Jeremy used to terrify me. I didn't dare imagine how I'd go on living if he died. We may have been together for 16 years, but that was almost an entire lifetime. Every year we celebrated our anniversary, I was astonished by the fact that he was still there with me. Until we got together in 2003, I had not ever been in a relationship that lasted longer than a few years. I was 24 years old, and Jeremy had just celebrated his 18th birthday. I had 3 kids, and my tubes were tied. Meaning Jeremy and I would never have children, and he was alright with that. He'd been told by a doctor a few years before that he was sterile, so he'd already resigned himself to the idea that he wouldn't have his own children. He was perfectly happy with accepting my kids as his own, and I loved him so much more because of this.

The really wonderful thing was, he was awesome enough to treat my kids as if they were his kids, too. He only punished my kids one time, and that was more of an intimidation technique than it was an actual punishment. I had no problems with spanking my children when it was necessary They were 6, 4, and 2 (in January of 2003). I've got 2 girls and one boy. The oldest and the youngest were placed on the ADHD spectrum at 80% for the oldest, and 90% for my son, the youngest. When they were that little, the only thing I could do was wear them out during the day by going to the park or playing outside.

When I left my ex-husband, I had no issues with allowing the kids to spend several weeks, sometimes months with the ex-mother-in-law. The day of Jeremy's big intimidation technique, I'd gone and picked up the kids about a week before. Due to Autumn and Randall having ADHD, my feet hit the floor every morning around 7-7:30. On that day, I had made plans (inside my head) to take the kids to burn off some energy. That was until Autumn and Randall had me in tears before it was 11 o'clock. After that, they spent the day inside with me as punishment for not settling down when I asked them to. I had broken my three-strikes rule and did not spank them after telling them to sit down and chill out. Winter, my middle daughter, had her days when she drove me up the wall, but she doesn't have ADD or ADHD. She was simply attached to her mommy like she was mommy's shadow, and it was like that from the time she was born. That day, she was having one of those days where she drove me up the wall, and by the time it was 11, I was in tears.

When Jeremy got home from work that evening around 6-6:30, he took one look at me and asked me why I had been crying. I told him that I didn't know what he was talking about. He was a kind man, and he used to tell me that you cannot "Bullshit a bullshitter". Meaning that he was capable of seeing through a façade or a lie. When I denied having cried earlier in the day for the third time, he said, "That's not true. I know what you're doing, but it's not going to work. You're trying to protect your kids from me because I'm not their fathers. I'm not immediate family, and you are scared that I'll hurt your babies. But, I have no intentions of hurting your kids. I am going to deal with them for making you cry, but I swear to you I'll never hurt your children. Now, you have told me three times that you weren't crying earlier today, but I know better. I'm not going to ask you again, what happened with the kids that you were crying, momma?"

He was absolutely right. I was trying to protect my children from someone who wasn't their fathers, and who was not immediate family. I told him what happened. By the way, my kids were sitting on the couch in the living room when he was questioning me, but he didn't bring attention to himself, so they watched TV like they were told by Jeremy.

When I met Jeremy, he weighed 286 pounds. In 2003, he'd gotten down to 190 pounds. He was created as a man who was 5'10" tall, and his frame was what I consider a large one. Especially when he was dealing with my children. His size was the reason I lied to protect my kids.

I finally told him what had made me cry, and I watched him with my heart pounding as he dealt with the kids. He called Autumn, (using a firm and stern voice), he asked her about what happened, she told him, he turned her to seat her butt. He reared back, and came to her rear end, and just barely swatted her. She cried. He called Winter, and he called Randall. Each of the kids was done the same way, and they all 3 cried. Not because he hurt them, but because he scared the living hell out of them. They were expecting Jeremy to spank them, but when he only swatted their butts, it was an intimidating event for them.

All 3 of my kids came over to me after he dealt with them, and they apologized for making me cry. He didn't even raise his hand to punish our kids after that day. He didn't have to. After that day, when the kids were disrespectful to me, he was told about it, and he always talked to them. Then he asked them why they were mean to their momma. Generally, especially when they were still little, they could not find a reason for disrespecting me. He didn't really care what the excuse was, anyway. He would then ask them, "What did I tell you about not disrespecting your mom?" They always answered with the same two words, "Not to." Then he'd say, "What do you think you need to do right now?" They knew that they were supposed to apologize to me, but usually told him they were sorry first, but that was because they didn't want him to be mad at them. He always told the kids that he wasn't the one who needed the apology, and he would send them over to me, and they would apologize for being disrespectful.

He never got onto the kids without me being present, and I think that was because he didn't ever want me or my kids to have fear of him. I don't know why he did things that way, but I appreciate him for being like that. When we were around the kids (no we didn't get to live with the kids in the same home after the summer of 2003), Jeremy did not say cuss words. He did not drink alcohol in front of the kids. He didn't even raise his voice.

He never told anyone that Autumn Winter and Randall were not his children. When the conversation turned to how the math didn't work out for him to be the kids' father, we'd tell them that they were mine, but he loved them as his own.