LIVING LIFE....ON HER OWN TERMS

Rani stumbled to her home. It was the early hours of the morning. Tired and defeated, she stifled her cries as she unlocked the door and entered her ramshackle room. Switching the light on, a depressing sight met her listless eyes. Kitchen sink stacked with unwashed and dirty utensils, garbage bin overflowing, kitchen platform crowded and the bed still unmade as she had left in a hurry to catch the bus.

She sat on the bed and flopped down horizontally, flexing and stretching her aching feet. They were throbbing as she was on her feet for most of the night, dancing to the tunes of her clients, literally. She worked in a bar and her job as a bar girl was to entertain her clients, do their bidding, ignore lecherous looks and swallow the indignity of it all. The glamour was for the outsiders, for her and the other girls it was exhausting and back-breaking. The money was paltry and barely lasted the month. It was a seedy world with the restaurant manager pimping and exploiting those who were desperate.

Unbidden tears filled her eyes and overflowed onto the dirty sheet. She had never envisioned her life like this ever. Growing up, her working-class parents earned enough to make a decent living. Ramesh her father, a supervisor in a garment factory, and Vimla her mother, an assistant in a neighboring tailor shop, worked the whole day and came home to their three children. She and her two younger brothers, Ajay and Sanjay were enrolled in the government school nearby. Evenings were spent in housework and assisting her mother in preparing the meals and doing sundry other jobs. The boys too helped and it was a happy family who retired at night.

With her mother’s shrill voice ringing in her ears, “Rani, fill the water”, “Rani, peel the vegetables,” “Rani, soak the rice”, the day was over in a blink and then it was ‘me-time’-a concept alien to her at that time- a time for herself, her homework and preparation for the next day. She enjoyed school and liked studying. Peaceful silence prevailed over their shanty at nights and Rani floated in her world of dreams. Of which she had many. Sometimes the cliched ‘Miss India’; sometimes little more daring -a doctor; but usually a flight of fancy not too high. Just enough to see her family comfortable and not wanting for anything.

But then, don’t they say that “Life happens when you are busy making another plan”? In her tenth standard, Rani fell in love. Vinay was a new admission and his family had rented a place a few houses down the lane. His mother, Manda, was from her mother’s village and both the families soon became good friends. Vinay was an ordinary, tall lanky teenager, with nothing special about him; just his dreams and his talks. Rani liked him on sight and they walked to school and back together every day.

Vinay was different from the boys his age. He was driven and focused. She liked his solemn demeanor and was enthralled by his knowledge. He was well-read and kept himself abreast of all the latest happenings in the world. The walk to and from school became the highlight of her day. She started finding excuses to keep him longer with her, sometimes offering him food, some other times presenting a problem that needed his expert advice. His earnest attempt to solve her trivial issues charmed her. She loved the way his forehead furrowed in deep lines when he was thinking and the way he chewed his lower lip when he was preoccupied. Though not a nerd, he wasn’t into sports either, he preferred reading. She had sometimes spied him writing too, in a notebook which he carried always with him. Intrigued she had asked him about it and had been rewarded with a lopsided smile and twinkling eyes. “All in good time’, had been his cryptic answer. Wisely, she did not pursue and held her patience. He stood out amongst her peers like a strawberry in the bowl of peas. Soon, they became inseparable.

Talking to him was invigorating and she loved their exchange and banter. One day on their way back home, he asked her,

“What do you want to do be you grow up?”

“Oh, too many things” she smiled.

He gave her a grave look, “No, you must decide on one thing, and work towards it”.

“Is it? What do you want to be when you are an adult?”

“Me? I want to be an architect.”, he answered.

“An architect…?”

“Oh, yes, I am fascinated by these huge modern buildings, and I want to be a part of making them happen, in any way I can,” Vinay enthused.

“I am going to follow my dream, whatever it takes. I am going to take drafting classes in this summer break.”

She was captivated by his vision, his determination to succeed in life, and his Arjun-like eye on his goal. She realized that she was falling more and more in love with every day. He was a man driven by ambition and she liked that. Their families too gave them knowing looks and were indulgent of the growing friendship between them.

A few months later his parents had gone overnight to visit his ailing grandmother in her village and he was alone in his house. Exams were approaching and he wanted to study. Rani’s mother sent her over with dinner cooked for him. Drawn towards each other and finding themselves alone for the first time, they were overcome by a physical need to touch and explore. They kissed and tentatively brushed their fingers on each other’s faces. The inevitable happened and throwing caution to the winds, they found themselves on a path of no return.

The next day they couldn’t wait to be alone with each other. They found nooks and crannies in the neighborhood where they could spend few hours undisturbed. Nobody in their families doubted anything as they were used to see them disappear while studying or doing odd jobs together.

Life was a bed of roses, with their dreams starring in their eyes, their plans for a future together, so she was absolutely unprepared for what happened next. Vinay was running an errand for his mother one evening when a speeding truck hit his cycle from behind; he somersaulted high in the air and crash-landed on the sewage nullah lining the road. His neck broke and he died instantly.

His family was devastated. He was the only son. She was grief-ridden and withdrew into herself. She dropped out of school and in spite of many entreaties from her parents, refused to study further.

Present Day………

Today had been a particularly bad day. It had started innocuously enough, just like any other day. She had changed into her glittering costume (orange, her favourite colour; Vinay had always said, it suited her the most, brought out her complexion and her skin glowed). She had sat down for the garish make up which she hated, but had no choice in the matter; it was the exigency of the service! Last to be worn was the chunky garish jewellery; which bobbed and moved as she gyrated and undulated on the dance floor and attracted more eyeballs towards her. The lecherous eyes following her every move had sworn her off jewellery-chunky or otherwise-for ever.

The bar opened at the appointed time and the regulars trickled in. The waiters appeared as if by magic to take their orders and lure them for more. The manager kept a sharp eye and signaled the waiters to go with a refill to the occupied tables as soon as the glass was nearing the bottom. The usual evening with its usual activity….

Rani and her colleagues were all lined up backstage, glittering like Christmas trees and waiting for the music to start. The drumbeat was their signal to enter and they entered en masse and took their positions their eyes searching for their own regulars. Each girl had her own favourite customer, who showered her with money which went to the bar pickings but were scrumptiously given a little extra too, hidden from the eagle-eyed manager.

Rani spied her regular sitting at his usual place, from where he had a clear view of her. He had eyes only for her followed her every move. She acknowledged him with a slight smile and started her performance. Things were progressing smoothly, low chatter at some tables, clinking of ice cubes, crunchy small bites being eaten and drinks being refilled The waiters moved silently and smoothly in between the tables so as not to distract attention from the main proceedings of the evening, which were the girls moving sensuously to the current Bollywood songs.

Rani was immodest enough to admit to herself that she was by far the best looking of the lot, and her if regulars were anything to go by, she knew she was the golden goose for the bar. Though she was under no illusion about either the owner or the manager admitting to this fact, she expected a little preferential treatment from them, when it came to her safety. A little help, a little protection if you may, when some customers became more than necessary attentive and draw too close for comfort.

Suddenly, before she could react, a customer sitting near the stage, jumped up from his place with wads of money and grabbed her from behind and started gyrating with her, holding her tightly in his grasp. It’s not as if it hadn’t happened to her before, but the ferocity with which this was happening was a first for her and his lascivious gaze was de robing her even as his hands were roughly all over her squeezing and clutching.

 She threw beseeching glances at the manager who was watching the drama, but he had eyes only for the money that was floating in the air and settling on the ground noiselessly. She looked around for help, but no one came to her rescue. The bar was drowned in high spirits, glazed looks and dim lights. She struggled to free herself and was horrified when he bit on her neck from behind. She gagged and was about to throw up when she suddenly found herself free from his clutches. Her regular customer had climbed on the stage and grabbed the man off her. With tears swimming in her eyes, she thanked him profusely and ran inside, shaken to the core. Her colleagues who were back stage, led her to the makeshift green room, sat her down and made her drink a glass of water. Shaking and shivering, she wrapped the shawl around herself which someone had kindly put on her shoulders.

After a while, the shivers subsided and she leaned back on the chair Unshed tears were burning her closed eyes. She shuddered involuntarily as the horrific incident again played out in her mind. She wanted to cry at her situation, the helpless feeling that engulfed her, the depravity of it all. She stood dizzily on her feet and in spite of her colleagues imploring her to rest, she walked in slow unsteady steps out of the bar.

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The tears had dried on her face by now, but she could still feel the wet patch below her head. She sat up and wiped her face. Walking up to an iron trunk near the bed which also doubled up as a side table, she moved its rusty handle and opened the lid. Peering in, her eyes brimmed over. Inside was what little memorabilia she could gather of Vinay and her life. A book, which he had gifted her on her birthday; six movie tickets, her gift to him- a blue and white checked shirt, some cards which they had given each other, his favorite pen, and some odds and ends. But the most precious of all was the diary which he had carried with him. Now she knew each entry by heart; he used to write a page every day jotting down all the things that had happened on that particular day. She had appeared in the latter part of the book and had read and re-read many times his description of hers and their activities of the day. though a man of few words, he was an expressive writer. A smile always played on her lips reading his musings and love about her. The present was no exception.

She ruffled through the pages slowly, reading his dreams, his wants and his need to succeed in life and sat down thinking …...just then-

“Amma, are you back?” An excited childish lilt shook her out of her reverie.

“Yes, Ravi, I am here.” She answered, turning towards the door, wiping her tears surreptitiously.

Ravi, her eight-year-old came bounding in. He was a replica of his father, Vinay. Same earnest looks, a steely determination to his jaw and the same tall lanky frame. Like his name Ravi, he had something of her in him too. He was a dreamer like her and losing himself in his make-believe world, he forgot he was an only child. She had chosen well, Ravi…her rising son!

She had found out about her pregnancy soon after Vinay’s death and was adamant about giving birth to his child. She knew she could not burden her parents with more mouths to feed, so had started working soon after he was born. She stayed nearby her parents and they helped in looking after Ravi when she went to work. Becoming a bar girl had been her choice; it had seemed the best option then but now it was not enough. She wanted more, especially for her son.

Brushing her tears aside, she kept the diary back, closed the lid gently, and stood up to embrace her son. With a steely resolve, she vowed to make their lives turn for the better. She would achieve that, come what may. Plucking some tenacity from her beloved Vinay, she pledged to complete her education so that Ravi could get all the advantages that he deserved. Looking up furtively she sent a silent thanks to Vinay for showing her the path she needed to take. She apologized to him for straying away from their dream…... She promised him that she will never again give up and will fulfill the vision of the future they had seen together.

She stood up with a determined look in her eyes, straightened her shoulders, and walked out with her son, her head held high.