I'm thrown-off the balance...
I'm thrown-off the balance...


Life is weird. It’s like a never-ending roller-coaster ride – with sharp turns and unexpected falls. It makes your stomach turn every time something unfortunate happens. You don’t expect the same. On roller-coaster, you don’t control your life. The man who operates the rides controls it. It’s the same way – my life’s a roller-coaster and my parents have an absolute control over it. My opinion doesn’t matter here. My doing doesn’t matter here. I’m like a puppet on their strings, dancing on every decision of theirs. I can’t do anything I want. I’m trapped into their hard-core shell box from which, even if I tried, I can’t claw my way from there. The manacles on my hands are never going to free themselves. Their restraining force makes me shrink in this world. It makes me think – what am I to this goddamn world? What difference would it make if I can’t take my own decisions? It’s so much tiring work. Sometimes, my parent’s opinion influences my opinion as well. Whenever I want a thing so bad, I think twice about telling my desires to them. Or some times when I think the other way, they think the other but ultimately, I have to support their decision.
There was a time when I used to speak aloud my thoughts but now, I don’t. A sense of nothingness spreads into me as I think of expressing my thoughts aloud, because clearly my say doesn’t matter in any way. Every thing does require their consent. Some day if I took a small decision on my own, they look angry on that and accuse me of not telling them. A black anger spreads throughout me and spills in the form of tears when I’m not in front of them. So angry I would be – I make my own sort of world. A world where
my parents wouldn’t me concerned. Or where the world doesn’t even matter to me. A world where I would do the things which I desire the most for. Then, even if they shout aloud, I would stop caring. Their words would bounce off those invisible walls I have created. After all – how much they expect from me? Unlike any teenager, I tell my parents every single thing I have to, however awkward they would be. Still, if not one thing hadn’t been communicated, they make me feel that I have betrayed their trust and make me feel guilty. I fall in that deep abyss of guilt and wouldn’t come out unless I haven’t made amends with them. Why live life like this? Some would say why wouldn’t you talk about it to them? Trust me, I have tried. They are ready with any excuse to just throw me off. What they haven’t realize that I’m never thrown off, but feeling more unsettled. Does controlling my life seem to have a power they want?
I never wanted to think about my parents like this. But, as a thinking process develops in me, I can’t help to think and think and think. It’s makes my head explode like a bomb waiting to be exploded. I never got that freedom of taking my decisions. True, I have got freedom in any way I want – go to friend’s house, do any activity I want, or whatever I want. Still I feel that I’m trapped. Is it normal? Or am I slowly going mad? I don’t really know. I just wish that my situation will get better as time passes. And maybe this essay will change its perspective altogether. Somehow, even now reading it feels totally wrong – writing about your own parents like that? I just hope that things will change. After all – life’s all about unexpectedness, right?