Full Stop

Struggling to keep my eyes open, I rub them once I splash my face with cold water. I couldn’t care less about my nose which tingled at the sensation of cold water against it as it tried to fight against the cold from the winter season.

I needed to pull an all-nighter to complete half of my pending syllabus which at this point, started haunting me in my dreams as well, one more reason as to why I was unable to go to sleep. It was three in the morning and I could swear that the fear of failing exams had never gotten to me earlier as awfully as it did now, hence why I tried to focus back on my notes with strained eyes and a slight headache.

Not being able to bear the throbbing headache after a while, I decided to go to sleep for now and wake up early, around six maybe? Yeah. I closed my books and crashed on my bed, it didn’t take minutes for me to go to sleep.

“Rohan? Rohan! Wake up already, or we’ll be late for our study session with the group.”

Ugh, hearing those words got me out of my slumber as I tried to open my eyes which were being attacked by the piercing light. I hated leaving the comfort of my warm bed and as I ran my hands over my tousled hair, I took notice of the time. My blood ran cold. In about twenty-six hours, I’d be taking my first exam for this semester. I overslept as I read the time on the clock which read nine-thirty. I cursed myself as I wasted six and a half hours sleeping.

“Dude are you- Oh my, Rohan…You look sick.”

“Thanks.” I wasn’t in the mood to discuss my health or my appearance, so I passed by Vikram to the bathroom to get ready.

--

“Dude, I’m so not ready for these exams… I wish we would’ve gotten more time.” Farhan spoke for everyone at the table as we all wore tired expressions.

“Right? They could’ve given us more time, it’s only semester one!”

“To be fair, we did get time, Jay, we’re just careless and irresponsible.” Even though Hriday was right, we all scowled at him.

“Bro, speak for yourself. We were burdened with the non-stop assignments thrown our way. Then files, practicals, and viva’s, all of these exhausted us to no end.”

“Look, we don’t have much time to pity ourselves now, let’s just study as much as we can.” Hriday was the most collected one among us. We needed him to inspire us to not give up, otherwise, the rest of us would get wasted and give up. That’s why, we all agreed with him and went back to studying.

--

I played with the food on my plate as I had lost my appetite. I felt nauseous to the point of getting light-headed which is why Vikram was forcing me to at least have some fruits. I felt weaker than yesterday and my brain was refusing to retain and revise any piece of information. How was I supposed to study as much as I can?

My mind was once again clouded with my father’s words, “If you stay in your comfort zone, resting and ‘enjoying life’, you’ll always stay where you’re right now, mediocre. Success comes to those who sacrifice and compromise in life to attain their goals of reaching the peak of excellence.”

My father always speaks harsh but true words. He has gone through so much to achieve what he has today and given me many privileges that I probably do not deserve. I can’t afford to put taints on his name and reputation, which is why I need to hang in here.

I need to put up with his expectations as my existence requires his validation. I crumble completely when I do something that disappoints him. I need to brush these thoughts of exhaustion away and get my head back in the game.

--

Our first exam is in fifteen minutes and it feels like I’ve forgotten everything that I barely managed to retain in the past week. I look at my surroundings to find people wearing the same expression as I am and it honestly puts me at ease. If we flunk, we flunk collectively.

“Hey, dude, all the best~ We got this, all right?” It was Hriday, the pacifier and mom of the group.

“Thanks, man. To you too~ Although you don’t need it.”

“Haha, that’s not true.” We both knew it was true but he was a modest guy.

“See you after the exam, huh?”

“Sure thing~”

--

It was after the exam that our group hung out in the garden area, we needed the sunlight in this cold weather. And some happiness, if it was possible.

“The questions were straightforward, weren’t they? Even if I didn’t know the answer to each of them.”

“I agree, but I hope you attempted each question?”

“Yeah, yeah I did. Since there’s no negative marking, I was a bit chill.”

“Me too, even though the exam didn’t go that well, I’m relieved it’s over.”

“That’s because it actually went well for you, otherwise you’d be shitting your pants.”

“Hey! I don’t want to jinx it. Touchwood.”

“Why, Jay? Are you not confident?”

“Um, not really, I guess this is all because this was our first paper.”

“Relatable.”

“I hope it gets better by the next paper then. Rohan? How are you?”

My head span after looking at the questions on the first page. Even though I felt my heart drop and cold sweat forming on my forehead, I had to attempt all the questions by hook or crook. I felt the chits that I prepared to cheat in my socks, itching against my ankle, prompting me to excuse myself and go through them in the bathroom. I didn’t have the guts. I’d fail rather than risk my image and my father’s reputation. So, I started writing, even if it didn’t make sense to me, hopefully, by a miracle, it makes sense for whoever is going to evaluate this.

I shake my head to get rid of this memory from the exam before responding to Vikram, “Not that well, but for what it’s worth, I’m feeling more relieved than anxious now.”

“You don’t feel well?”

“Eh, it’s not as bad as it was yesterday. It's just anxiety.”

“Your anxiety issues are that bad, huh?

“Yeah, it’s been like that since school as I’ve told you guys before.”

“Have you ever thought about seeing a therapist?”

“Therapist? In this economy?” I couldn’t help but chuckle. “My father doesn’t believe in this stuff.”

“He’s living up to the expectation of a true Indian father then.”

Even though I could see Jay’s effort in trying to lighten my mood, I couldn’t give him a smile that reached my eyes. Will someone see through me?

“Well, now that this paper is done, let’s go back to our dorms,” Vikram spoke through a yawn. “I want to get some beauty sleep.”

I guess, not.

“Of course, Sleeping Hulk.” Hriday patted Vikram’s back as we all stood up.

--

No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t get myself to sleep. My body was exhausted yet, I couldn’t sleep. My mind was occupied with so many thoughts; They were random and unorganized but were related to one topic that I couldn’t get out of my mind: My future. It scared me. What am I doing in this field? I don’t feel I belong to it or it belongs to me, then what am I doing here? Right, I need to keep up with my father’s expectations… even if it means losing hope and happiness.

At least, someone will be happy when I become what is expected of me. This is for my father who couldn’t become what he wanted to because this harsh society got to him before he could get to where he truly belonged.

My head hurts a lot, so hoping to fall asleep by a miracle I close my eyes. Hoping to wake up with no throbbing headache. Hopefully, not.

--

I woke up. The first thing I did when I woke up was curse my destiny. The second thing I did was notice the fact that my headache had gone. I looked at the time on my phone, it read 6:19 am. I slept like a log since 9 pm. Cursing myself once again for wasting so much time sleeping, I rise slowly from my bed expecting to see green-blue stars in the darkness I always do when I am dehydrated.

I was right. I felt the world around me rotate and when it stopped, I went straight to the kitchen to drink water.

I wasn’t expecting Vikram to already be awake, going through what I assume were letters. “Are there any for me?”

“Holy sh- Dude, make some noise when you’re walking.”

“Oh, my bad. Hold on,” I retreated my steps, and then stomped towards where Vikram was sitting. “Is that noisy enough for you, Sir?”

“Woke up on the good side of bed for once, huh?”

“What do you mean? I always wake up on the good side of bed.” I smiled cheesily at him and then proceeded to look for any letters for me.

“Oh, those three,” Vikram pointed at the envelopes separated already, “Are by your name.”

“Alrighty!” Wow, I really woke up happy today for once. “I see what you meant, Vicky.”

“Told ya.” Vikram shrugged.

Happiness, obviously, never lasts long in my life just like right now. As soon as I see my father’s name on one of the envelopes, I felt like shitting my pants. The impact this man has on me, damn.

Hoping to see only good things I opened the letter, it read:

“Dear son,

Hopefully, this letter finds you in the pink of your health. By the time this letter reaches you, your exams will have begun. Hopefully, you’re doing well in them. Your mother has been worrying about your health even though I tried to pacify her worries, but you know how she gets when you’re away from her, right? I know for a fact that you must be dealing with the exams with a strong front. Whenever you get time, write back to us so that your mother is relieved from some stress. Let me know how you’re doing in your exam preparation so far.

With love

Papa”

After reading this letter, I realized two things: My mother knows me well, and I’m done for. Seeing my poker face, Vikram asked, “Who is it from? The Devil, himself?”

I smacked the back of his head. “Yeah, don’t call him that.”

“How can I not? Exhaustion was showing on your face the last day, and when it got better, your Dad ruined the calm and peace by sending a letter. He could’ve called. He’s as dramatic as I thought.”

“You noticed?” I couldn’t believe Vikram saw through me.

“Nah, Hriday pointed it out. He told me to look out for you in case you decided to dip in your sleep.”

Hriday has my heart. “You could’ve lied to satisfy me, though. Anyway, my father likes to write. He’s not adept when it comes to verbal communication.”

“Again, dramatic much if you ask me. Verbal communication isn’t as difficult as people make it out to be. And! I believe in giving credit where it’s due. I don’t want to contribute to keeping you in the dark when you seem to be surrounded by it on your own.” Okay, damn. “Now, don’t get senti. The exam period has just begun.”

Despite what he said, I hugged Vikram and ran to the washroom as the pressure from earlier got to me.

--

I’ve had enough of exam season and it has only begun. Will I be able to survive by the end of it? Hopefully, not. They really should consider decreasing the amount of exams and just hold them at the end of the year.

“Earth to Rohan!” Jay’s words brought me back to reality. “You’ve been zoning awfully a lot these days, bro, it’s getting a little concerning.”

“I’m sorry, I just… I don’t know. I feel like running away from this place. I feel like not responding to my father’s letter but I have to.”

“I’m saying this as your well-wisher, you should be honest about what you want to do in life with your father. Half of your problems will disappear in an instant.”

“Hriday, I want to. But even if my father complies with my wishes, I’ll feel embarrassed for life for not being able to keep up with his expectations. It’ll be humiliating.”

“Bro, if you try to keep up with something you don’t want to, a day will come when you won’t even be in a condition to give up. You still have time.”

“Jay’s right.”

“I know…”

I still have time. Should I just be shameless, for once? Should I really be ignorant of the goals my father has set for me? Should I try to communicate with him?

I’ve made up my mind after a lot of contemplation. I’ll call him and try to say what I want to.

--

This is it, I say to myself as I hear the caller tune from the other side. Please don’t pick up—Wow, stop acting like a coward, Rohan… on second thought, please don’t pic-

“Hello? Rohan beta?” Shit.

“Hel…hello? Namaste, Papa.”

“You didn’t call on your mother’s phone for once? I feel happy.” Hearing him giggle is breaking my heart. Will he still be this happy when I tell him that I want to drop out?

“Yes, Papa. I wanted to talk to you, about something serious.” There I said it. Breathe in, breathe out. Stay calm.

“Serious? Did you get in a fight and hurt yourself or something? Or did you not do well in your recent exam?”

“I didn’t get in a fight, Papa-“

“Thank god. Your mother would’ve been very worried.”

“You won’t have been?”

“Of course, not. I know you’re very strong, just like me. I doubt anything will happen to you if you get in a fight.”

A fake laugh was all I could manage. "Um, so I wanted to tell you about how I’ve been doing—Are you busy, right now?”

“Ah, yes… I’m at the office, but I’ve time for you, go ahead.”

He doesn't seem to be in a bad mood, all right. Here goes nothing, “Um, so I wanted to tell you how I’ve been doing here…”

“Why? Is the college or its crowd not good enough?

“No, no, it’s just my health hasn’t been the best. So I wasn’t in the mental condition to write a letter, for I knew it’d be lengthy.”

“Go on.”

“Due to the exam pressure, I’ve been getting a lot of headaches as I’m being sleep-deprived. I’ve not been able to stud-“

“Come to the point, Rohan.”

“I don’t want to study this course, anymore.”

…

“So? What are you suggesting you do now?”

“Dropout from this course?” My words came out like a question. There was no way he was going to buy it when I sounded unsure about it myself.

…

“I can’t believe this.” His voice got a bit higher. “You passed the entrance test because you had the aptitude for this. You should be studying hard to flourish in this field. It’s difficult for everyone, I’m sure. But no, now that it’s the mid-sem exam season, you don’t want to do this anymore? What are you going to do then? Do you even have a backup?”

“I went all out at studying, Papa. That’s why, my mental and physical condition have been worsening. And I could always opt for Fine Arts, I’d wanted to choose it from the start.”

“I don’t need to know about all that. What will you even do after taking Fine Arts? Does that field even have any scope for a good career?”

“Haven’t you seen my paintings?-“

“You want to become a painter? Out of all things?”

“Didn’t you once tell me that if I were interested in that area, I’d do well in it?”

“I was just proud of you for having an artistic skill along with academic intelligence. Painting is only suitable for a hobby. Besides, you’re going to have a hard time anyway looking for people who want to buy your paintings.”

Harsh words from him didn’t stop me from acting desperate. “Papa, please just consi…”

“I’ve to go now, I’m busy. We’ll talk about this later.”

…

It’s so easy for him to make me feel like this… like my interests don’t matter to him. I feel like a failure. I knew he was mad, that was evident from his tone. It would’ve been better if I hadn’t said anything to him.

I hate him… But, it’s not really his fault that I’m like this, is it? He did everything he could only so I could study at this prestigious college. Even though I’ve got an aptitude for Science, I couldn’t get 95% in Boards, but he still wasn’t mad. I couldn’t get a scholarship but he still… wasn’t mad.

It’s all on me, I don’t have the right to hate anyone but myself. If only I had spent the time studying rather than painting during my high school years, I could’ve gotten on track sooner.

Jay wasn’t right, I don’t have time.

--

After that conversation with my father, I decided to not contact my parents for a while. I can’t talk to them with a tone that indicates ‘I don’t have what it takes’. I don’t want to hear the disappointment in their voices once again.

Although I’m tired, I can’t get myself to sleep. I have a headache but I can’t get myself to stop thinking. If I had told my father about all this in person, would he have hit me? I started to visualize this scenario.

My mom wouldn’t be able to save me. My father wouldn’t care about her or me. What was I doing then? Trying to keep up with the expectations of a man who would dare to hit his child?

But it’s not his fault either. Or is it? Is my father actually right or am I justifying his actions?

Ugh, my head aches so badly but closing my eyes doesn’t help.

“Rohan? Are you awake?” Vikram turned on the lights of my room.

“Had I been sleeping, what would you’ve done?”

“I’d have turned on the lights, anyway,” He snuck out his tongue at me, “Why are you still awake at this hour?”

“I can ask you the same question.”

“Well, I was playing a game. I went to get some water but I heard murmurs from your room.”

“I wasn’t speaking, though.”

“You totally were. You were talking to yourself and didn’t realize? I thought you were talking in your sleep but the murmurs weren’t slurry enough, so I decided to check in on you.”

Oh…. “I didn’t realize…”

“Rohan, this is worrisome…”

“Thanks for rubbing it in my face.”

“Buddy, I’m serious. I feel bad seeing you this way.”

“And I’m having the time of my life.” Upon seeing Vikram’s expression I realized he wasn’t ready for the sass so late at night. “I feel bad too but I feel like I’ve no options left anymore to escape this hell.”

“Your eyes look swollen, have you been crying?”

“No, they would’ve been red if I did cry. I’m just sleep-deprived.”

“Then what are you doing up? SLEEP!”

“Geez, Vikram. Stop yelling. You should go to sleep too—And why would you even play games during exam season?”

“Heh, I just couldn’t help myself. I promise not to get addicted.” Vikram did a salute gesture.

“I don’t care, good night.”

“Night!”

It has been 3 hours since then, I checked in on Vikram and he was fast asleep 2 hours ago. I felt lonely so I decided to write what I felt down. Very cliché but desperate times call for desperate measures.

I re-read the two lines I could manage to write and I pitied myself. I pitied my parents, especially, my father. He deserved a better son than me. I pitied my friends for having to put up with the current me.

My mom had once pointed out that I have seemed to lose my spark since high school. I remember dismissing her because I felt that it wasn’t true. I felt embarrassed that I was too transparent.

From that point on, I started acting happy just to let my mom not worry about me. Before I knew it, I started to pretend that I was okay with a lot of things, one of them being this field I chose under the pressure of fulfilling the expectations that had been weighing me down since school.

I never even thought about becoming an Engineer but the fact that my father was confident in me was enough for me to step on my dreams of becoming an artist.

I should’ve just come to terms with being a disappointment to my father early on, for, I could’ve avoided all this burnout.

Writing this didn’t help because now, my eyes teared up. I wanted to bawl and sob and throw things around, but no, I can’t do this to Vikram. His expression earlier when he said that he was worried about me made me realize that not only am I a disappointment to my father but also to my friends.

If I weren’t here, all these people would’ve been happy. Is it possible to hate yourself this much? I don’t think I’ve hated anyone to this extent ever since I got out of high school and stopped seeing my mathematics teacher. He made my life a living hell.

If only my high school self knew that he would come to hate himself more than he hated his mathematics teacher, maybe he could’ve made a better decision in life.

Come to think of it, I was still happier back then even with all that hatred in me. Why can’t I be the same now?

I look at the two containers of sleeping pills kept on my desk. I used to take them alternatively each day before college had begun. I packed them in case I started experiencing Insomnia again.

Even though I don't sleep well, I haven’t started taking them yet. My mom told me not to go overboard with them.

I extended my hand towards them and examined them. What if I consumed more than 5 at once? Will I be even able to wake up on time? Will I be even able to wake up?

My blood has run cold because the latter doesn’t scare me.

What will I even do if I hold onto this life any longer? My father refuses to accept me, my mom has no say in anything when it comes to my education, and my friends can’t help in any way. Would it be better for me to spare my parents more disappointments their incompetent son is the reason for? Would this lessen their burdens?

I can’t do this anymore. There’s no point in hanging onto this life, it’s too late.

“This story should’ve been over long back.

I quit.”