FIRST LOVE'S TRAGEDY

Her eyes teared up while looking at the Polaroid picture that had captured the warm smiles of her and her first love. 'We were so happy', she thought to herself. 'It'd have been four years to us since we began dating, this January. I hope you know wherever you are, that I still love and miss you a lot. I will learn to love winter again for you. I'll always associate it with the best memories you left me with, for it's what you would have wanted. I'll learn to live again for you.'

-

-

With a mug of hot chocolate in one hand and the other busy scribbling in her diary, Eira scrunched her nose due to constant sniffling from a cold she was fighting. She wasn't the one to catch a cold easily but she'd been exceptionally careless when it came to self-care these days. Writing had her back whenever she needed an escape from reality which was often nowadays. She didn't use to be the person who would attempt to avoid reality but a lot has changed in a year, around her and in her.

"Ugh," Eira grunted, shifting in her seat to cross her legs and throw her head back onto the couch rest, "All this sniffling has caused a headache." She glanced at the clock which read the time twenty minutes past eleven. Even though she had had breakfast already, she felt like eating again. She felt like that every time she was stressed, which is often nowadays. She had learned about stress eating from Google days ago and decided to suppress her urges for now. Just then, a knock on her bedroom door caught her attention,

"Hey," Eira's mom peeked in through the door. "Sweetie, are you busy?"

"No, what's up?"

"I just wanted to check in on you, how are you feeling right now?"

"Just a bit tired from all that sniffling," Eira pointed at the tissue box lying next to her. "Why, though?"

"Oh, um actually…uh, this might catch you off-guard but…" Mrs. Smith hesitated a bit before continuing. "Nolan's mother called me minutes ago and told me she wants to meet you…" Mrs. Smith tried to read through Eira's poker face. Meanwhile, Eira froze in her spot with her eyes showing no emotion. 'Why would his mother reach out to me after a year has passed since that incident? What is even left for us to discuss after the harsh separation which left me distraught for months? She didn't care about my feelings then, why would she bother about me now? How am I even supposed to face her after all that's happened-

"Eira!" Her mother brought her back to reality waving her hand in front of Eira's face, "Earth to honey. Are you all right?"

"No," Eira couldn't hide her emotions anymore as her voice cracked a bit. "I don't think I'm ready to meet her."

"Oh, honey, you don't have to worry about it. I'll let her know, it's all right. You don't owe her anything." Mrs. Smith approached Eira and hugged her providing her some comfort.

"It's going to be a year since then soon, Mom." Eira cried, "I miss him. A lot. I can't see anyone he was related to, especially her."

"I know, honey, I know. You've handled so much, I'm sure wherever he is looking down at you from, he must be proud of you. He'd understand you, I understand you. You don't have to do something you don't want to."

Flashback

As Eira was wearing her boots ready to go out in her warmest clothes, she heard her Mother yell from the kitchen, "Be back before it gets dark, honey. And wish Nolan a very happy birthday on my behalf!"

"All right, will do! See you, Mom." And she didn't waste another minute in grabbing the birthday present she prepared for Nolan and zoomed out not before making sure the door was closed.

…

It'd almost been half an hour since Eira had arrived at her and Nolan's decided place for their date, the park where they'd confessed their feelings for each other for the first time.

It may be a simple place for many but it was special to them both as it was on Nolan's birthday that they started dating. They met there often for picnics and hung at the swings even though they were judged by the toddlers but that was the fun of it. They even shared their first kiss in front of the lake where Nolan once slipped into while trying to capture Eira's smile in a camera. Consequently, he caught a fever from being soaked in the cold weather; Nolan focused on the bright side of his sickness which was Eira's extra attention and affection for him. A lot of memories and history were attached to this place and date.

In addition to that, Eira loved the winter season. Even though the leaves would wither and the trees would mourn the absence of the leaves, Eira felt the most alive. Even though she hated feeling cold, she began to enjoy the winter season when she had a lover to keep her warm. And she loved the festivals that became more special with Nolan on her side. The festive mood along with the love of her life kept her elated throughout the winter. 

-

Eira tried calling and left several messages for Nolan but he didn't respond. He hadn't done anything like this before so she was both worried and annoyed. 'He could've left a text in advance if he wasn't going to make it. Why is he even late in the first place?' Eira thought to herself before dialing Mrs. Geller's number getting anxious by the second.

"Hello? Eira, dear?"

"Mrs. Geller, how're you doing? I hope I didn't catch you at a bad time."

"I'm doing just fine, sweetheart, and no you didn't. How is the date going?" Mrs. Geller's cheerful tone and words just caused even more anxiety for Eira.

"I actually called to ask you where Nolan is… I've been waiting on him for the past half an hour and tried calling and texting him even, but he didn't respond…"

"What? It's been more than an hour since he left after informing me that he was going out to see you. He should've been there by now."

Both of them sensed the tension that arose from the worry for Nolan before Mrs. Geller cut the call, not before assuring Eira that she'd inform her about Nolan's whereabouts in case he reached out to her. She insinuated that he was probably late because he was planning to buy Eira something before going to her but was stuck in traffic mid-way. Mrs. Geller's attempt to pacify herself and Eira with this assumption didn't put either of them at ease but they both tried not to overthink.

Eira left her mom a text in which she explained to her what was happening currently. She soon received a reply telling her to take care of herself and not worry much.

It took fifteen more minutes before the color on Eira's face returned after spotting a panting Nolan running towards her before she furrowed her eyebrows at him.

"Oh my god, where were you all this time? I was worried sick! Not to mention, you didn't even respond to my calls and texts"-

"I know," He breathily uttered. "You've all the reasons to be mad at me but relax"-

"Relax?" I couldn't help but furrow my eyebrows at him. "How could you even tell me to relax before apologizing for being late to our date? And you didn't even bother telling me if you were even going to show up or not"-

"Eira, I'm sorry I made you feel this way but…" He held onto my shoulders as he caught his breath. "I had my reasons, let me explain?" He raised his eyebrows looking at me expectantly.

"…All right."

"I'm late because I was buying something for you. I was struck in traffic and anxious."

"Oh, I talked to your mom earlier. I was worried about your whereabouts so I contacted her, and she suggested the same thing. Why were you anxious, by the way?"

"You were that worried?" He chuckled before joining our lips together and separating them as quickly because he had more things to say. "I told her that I had something crucial to do today. I needed moral support."

"Moral support for doing what?" Confusion was written all over my face.

"This day is very special to me, to us and so, I couldn't help but decide to do this today."

"Okay, and that would be?"

"Listen, this place is very special to both of us but I want to tell you what I have in mind, somewhere more romantic. Can I take you somewhere with me?"

"Oh, now you've made me curious, Nolan!" I whined and pouted at him, he pecked my lips once again after chuckling.

"Sweetheart, I had to tell you why I was late, otherwise you'd have jumped me." He giggled and I couldn't suppress my smile. "But it took me time to plan this and I want to take you somewhere romantic. So?"

"All right, let's go." I complied with him because how could I not? I loved this man and it was his birthday, besides, I was looking forward to what present he had planned for me that required him to ask for moral support from his mother.

Even though it was cold, I couldn't help but feel a warm feeling forming in my chest; Was it anticipation for what was to come, or the relief after seeing Nolan's face? Maybe both. I smiled as he held my hand and led me to his car. The way I melted seeing him smile at me with so much love in his eyes was something that even the coldest temperature of the season in this place couldn't have prevented from happening. That was the effect he had on me.

I sat on the passenger seat with Nolan's one hand on my thigh and the other loosely gripping the steering wheel. We were singing along to the playlist we made together. We were so happy and in love that I couldn't help but wonder if it was possible to feel this exhilarated. He really made me fall in love with the warm and fuzzy feeling that this bitterly cold season brings with it right after he swept me off my feet.

"I've never traveled through this road before, have you?" I asked Nolan as I failed to recognize the unfamiliar area.

"I've traveled through this road once with my parents, don't worry, we won't get lost." He chuckled and winked at me.

"I trust you but keep your eyes on the road." I nudged him.

"And what if I don't?"

"I'll tickle you."

"I'll tickle you~" He imitated me with a high-pitched tone so I poked his side causing him to flinch. "Hey, don't do that, I'm ticklish." He giggled.

"You should know better than to mock me then." I made a funny face at him and he laughed.

"I know but I like teasing-" He couldn't complete his sentence.

Flashback ends

Eira tapped her foot against the floor and her hands were contemplating if she should ring the bell or run away instead of her. After taking a few deep breaths, she rang the bell and waited. She hoped that the person she was visiting without informing them in advance wasn't home. To her dismay, the door opened revealing Mrs. Geller who discernably looked stunned and incredulously gaped at Eira.

"I thought you won't show up…"

"Yeah? Well, I did." Eira didn't know where she got the sass in her tone at the moment but was proud of it."

"I'm glad you did. Please, come in." Despite noticing Eira's reluctance, Mrs. Geller smiled at her hoping she'd receive one back but she didn't. 'This going to be more difficult than she thought. What was she even expecting? It's not like the girl she humiliated so much last winter would warm up to her. The girl sounded as cold as the weather but she wasn't going to give up on her purpose of inviting Eira.'

"I thought Mrs. Smith would inform me in advance if you were coming-"

"Well, are you disappointed?-"

"What- No, honey. I'm happy that you accepted my invitation. Would you like something to drink, by the way-"

"Could you come to the point?"

"Would you give me a chance to compensate for what I did to you?"

"Why should I?"

"Because just like you, I too lost someone very important to me…" The voice crack was able to pacify Eira. Being reminded that Mrs. Geller had her reasons for what she did melted the cold persona she was attempting to exhibit. "He was my only son, Eira. The only one who looked after me in this house. Without him, this doesn't even feel like a home to me anymore." And with that she let her tears fall.

Eira's lower lip quivered, threatening her that her tears would fall too. Even though she wanted to comfort Mrs. Geller, her hands remained at her sides. Instead, she just watched her with a pained expression, giving her time to continue.

Flashback

Eira was still in a daze as she sat still in the hospital staring into nothingness. She got five stitches on the left side of her forehead, right above her left eye, and had her left shoulder in a plaster. She didn't respond to any questions the nurses and the doctor threw at her. She couldn't even cry for she still felt incredulous to process anything.

After what felt like hours when she finally cried out a feeble "Nolan", her mother who waited for her to react again teared up once again. She embraced her daughter when they made eye contact, as if she would disappear if she let go but still held her with such tenderness as if she would break. That was all it took for Eira to start sobbing. The nurses instructed her mother to maintain her composure as any extreme reaction from Eira would make her condition worse. So, she patted Eira's back continuously whispering, "Everything will be all right," ever so slowly rocking her back and forth.

When Eira was finally in the condition to move around, the first thing she asked for was to see Nolan. All the nurses tried to pacify for two days, that he'd be fine but Eira's heart didn't let her be at peace. She looked at the ICU Nolan was admitted in and took deep breaths to calm herself down before entering the room. She expected to see Mrs. Geller and wasn't disappointed to see her sitting and looking outside the window.

Upon hearing the door's click, Mrs. Geller looked at the comer before wearing an unwelcoming expression, almost glaring at Eira. Meanwhile, Eira believed it was natural for her to react this way after what had happened. After all, her son acquired the most injuries for the truck crashed into their car with a strong impact on his side. If Eira had known something like that would've happened, she'd have offered to drive herself. For now, she only wanted to comfort Mrs. Geller and also receive some comfort back. Mrs. Geller had different plans.

"Why are you here?"

"I finally felt better and was told I could see Nolan-"

"No." Eira was cut off mid-way through her sentence. "Have you not hurt my son enough? I want you to leave us alone."

A stab in the stomach would have probably hurt less. "I don't understand, Mrs. Geller-"

"Why would you? You're not the one whose child is fighting for life right now. I can't believe you had the audacity to show up after being the reason why my son is in a critical condition." She stood up and stood so close to Eira as if she'd raise her hands at her which, to Eira's relief, she didn't. "If it weren't for you, my son would've never driven up on the highway and this wouldn't have happened. If it weren't for that stupid proposal, he'd have come back home and celebrated his birthday with his family."

'Pause... Proposal?- Oh no, so that was what he was so nervous for.' Eira thought and looked up at Mrs. Geller with eyes full of tears that were about to fall.

"Oh, now you're going to play innocent? You got away with these minor injuries while my son is fighting to stay alive. Are you happy now? You successfully ruined his life!"

Eira knew Mrs. Geller was being unreasonable but she couldn't retort back. Her mind was clouded with the thoughts of Nolan who would've proposed to her. He could've had a chance to escape his fate but because of what he planned for Eira, he couldn't. Eira couldn't reason with herself anymore as Mrs. Geller glared at her as if she hated her the most. So, Eira could only manage to mutter a sorry and looked at Nolan for a few seconds before leaving the room in haste.

As soon as she stepped out of the room, she became a sobbing mess. Her mother who was waiting for her outside couldn't help but embrace her daughter with worry, thinking that she just got overwhelmed after seeing Nolan.

Flashback ends

"You didn't deserve that, no one does… I let my anger get the best of me and spoke such harsh words that I never meant," Mrs. Geller took a deep breath to catch her breath. "I'm terribly sorry for the way I made you feel, my dear. And I'm sorry it took me so long to give you the apology you deserved. Will you please forgive me?"

Eira pitied Mrs. Geller now. She lost her only child and by the looks of how the interior of her house looked, it seemed as if she lived alone now. Mrs. Geller even looked paler than the last time she saw her. Her hands were shaking and this time, she was a sobbing mess. Eira pitied herself for even though she had a reason to grieve too, she was made the reason Nolan passed away. Her side of the story was neglected and she became a villain in the eyes of Mrs. Geller.

"How have you been since then?" Before she realized it, Eira was asking about her.

"I, uh…" Mrs. Geller was taken aback that Eira bothered to ask her about how she had been but attempted to collect herself. "After he passed away, I became depressed and stopped taking care of myself, it still is like that. His father is more of a business-oriented person so I failed to get any support from him. We drifted apart, eventually, before he decided to get a divorce…"

"So, you've been living alone since then?"

"Yeah, I don't feel sad about it since he didn't care much about our son, it wasn't surprising that he didn't care about me too. I honestly feel freer if anything." Mrs. Geller finally took a deep breath after calming herself down and smiled weakly at Eira, "I didn't call you to talk about myself, so enough about me. I wanted to ask you how have you been, something which I didn't do last time because I was selfish."

"The initial months after his demise were terrible. I couldn't get myself to do anything which is why I had to resign from my job. My parents supported me through each decision of mine, even if I required them to give me space. I had stopped eating regularly which is when my mom stepped in, if it weren't for her I probably would be in a hospital bed, on bed rest. It wasn't that easy to talk about all of this so I don't know how I'm not close to sobbing right now."

At that, Mrs. Geller smiled softly as she extended her hands towards Eira who awkwardly gave in, and held her hands as she spoke again, "You're stronger than I am. I know how much you loved him, and he loved you equally. In my selfishness back then, I had forgotten that you also suffered injuries. I didn't mean that back then, I didn't mean anything back then. How long did it take you to recover from them?"

"It took weeks since I stopped taking care of my health, mentally and physically, so it took longer than expected to recover."

"I see," Mrs. Geller couldn't smile anymore, for she had no one but herself to blame for inflicting such harsh behavior on Eira.

"You had mentioned…" Eira looked up again as Mrs. Geller looked back at her expectantly. "About a proposal back then. I want to hear everything he said to you about it."

"Oh, that." Mrs. Geller smiled now at the memory of her excited son who paced around the room, worrying about how he would have gone about with the proposal… "I'm sorry for ruining it for you."

"Don't be. Even though I have my reasons and you have yours, whatever happened was none of our faults."

"Yes, exactly. I want to apologize about that too."

"I accept your apologies... Could you tell me about that now?"

"Hmm so, he had bought a ring for you after consulting me, which he took days for. He wanted everything to turn out perfectly and so, he planned to propose to you at the place where his grandparents had met. When we visited that place for the first time together, his grandparents narrated their love story to him. It's been a few years since then but that memory is still fresh. You meant so much to him that he wanted to recreate his grandparents' story with you. It was meaningful to him."

"But, that couldn't happen."

"Unfortunately… I must say my heart finally feels light letting this out. God knows how many times I blamed myself for treating you the way I did, so I'm glad I finally took this step."

"It's been so long since then, were you sure that I'd show up?"

"I wasn't. But I wanted to take all the chances because better late than never."

"Hmm, even I wasn't sure if I should show up at your place or not after so long. I'm glad I did." I passed Mrs. Geller a soft smile as I said that. I was worrying for nothing.

"It's going to be a year since that happened soon… Would you like to visit him with me and we can spend the day together?" She insinuated with some hesitance in her tone.

"I'd love that."

-

With a fluttering heart, I glanced at the ring once again that Mrs. Geller told me to keep with myself since it belonged to me more than anyone, and I thought about my conversation with Mrs. Geller. It surely feels great talking things out with someone who knows how I feel. Though, I'll never be able to forget whatever happened after he passed away, at least my wounds now have been tended to, which is what matters to me the most in the long run. I walk back home feeling nostalgic observing the weather.

After returning to my home, I encountered my worried mother to whom I narrated what all happened and also assured her that I was fine. I returned to my room and took out my box of things that were given to me by Nolan from my cupboard. I couldn't throw anything away even if it meant that I'd possess a withered rose. I look at the ring which had mine had Nolan's initials ingrained on it. I caress it and keep it safely with the other things in the box when my eyes catch a Polaroid picture of me and Nolan.

Eira gently took the picture in her hands as she thought about the moment that picture was captured. It was a candid picture where Eira was laughing at something Nolan had said to her as he could only look at her with a wide smile on his face and little hearts in his eyes. Both of them were trying to get a decent picture taken when Nolan decided to crack a joke at which Eira snorted. The picture was taken by a mutual friend of theirs who had accompanied them to the park where they often hung out.

Her eyes teared up while looking at the Polaroid picture that had captured the warm smiles of her and her first love. 'We were so happy', she thought to herself. 'It'd have been four years to us since we began dating, this January. I hope you know wherever you are, that I still love and miss you a lot. I will learn to love winter again for you. I'll always associate it with the best memories you left me with, for it's what you would have wanted. I'll learn to live again for you.'