Amor Fati

During my first year in college, I rarely visited the library. Though I had my library cards, I'd rarely issue any books. I'd be down to bunk classes and pass time anywhere but the library with my friends, it was something common for us all.

"What would we even do there?"

"We already have enough books to read and assignments to do, it's pointless to go there."

"We can't even talk freely there, let's just go somewhere we can play uno or eat."

These statements would always leave our mouths, and the rest who didn't say anything would agree in a snap.

However, the summer of 2023 brought along major changes in my schedule that I never thought I'd conform to, just to get a glance at that person.

I remember, our professor once took us to the library with him to show a book—compilation of essays that one of our other professors published as her dissertation. Since we had a professor with us, we were able to talk a bit freely in that moment. He told us the name of the book and began looking for it as we followed.

Meanwhile, my friend Sonakshi was distracted and after sneakily taking out her phone, began to record us.

Akansha was the first to notice and brought my attention to Sonakshi after which we both then gave our typical poses with a 'V' sign and a thumbs up. We weren't good at posing but we weren't camera shy either.

I knew when Akansha abruptly held my hand mid-pose that she had noticed the guy too, a few steps away from Sonakshi. He looked our age but since we were in a girls' college, we were certain that he had a job at the library. That was obvious but his tight-lipped authoritative expression was a dead giveaway that he didn't approve of what we were doing.

We quickly waved at Sonakshi to put the phone down, and Sonakshi glanced back before doing what was told. All of us with breathy giggles tried to bring our attention back to the shelves next to us.

Of course, what we were doing didn't equate to a crime but we still acted as though we were guilty of one. In the midst of this little moment, which we telepathically knew we would discuss and laugh about later, I had this urge to glance back at the guy. He had both his hands in his pockets, and leaned on the table behind him, still observing us. However, he wasn't looking at us but the other group of students this time, however, sensing a head whipped in his direction, he looked back at me.

I quickly averted my gaze somewhere behind him, looked left-and-right but not at him, and then finally brought my attention back to the shelf in front of me again. I was terrible at acting nonchalant but that never stopped me from acting impulsively at times.

After our short-lived trip to the library, we were discussing the guy, just like I knew we would, his appearance, his possible profession, and the little moment of embarrassment.

"I don't see why we have a reason to be embarrassed," Diya emphasized.

"Right but we are all terrible at acting unbothered." Sonakshi laughed.

"I feel embarrassed because he's a looker." At Akansha's words, I nodded and held her hand as we grinned.

Sonakshi raised her eyebrows teasingly, "You managed to take in his looks?"

"At that moment, no. But as we were leaving the library, he was carrying some books to the shelves so I was compelled to look without him knowing."

"Is he actually good-looking, though, or are you just exaggerating?" Diya asked.

"She has a terrible taste in guys, I think she's exaggerating." Sakshi's comment invited a smack on the back of her head by Akansha.

"No no, I managed to look too. He's actually good looking."

"Oh my, are you both crushing on the same guy?"

"Rubbish, he's only good looking. His personality might not be it, Akansha rebuked before adding, "Besides, I already have a crush, did you forget?"

"Oh, yes yes, what was her name again?" Sonakshi questioned.

As Akansha began her monologue about her crush she had on this one girl from the History department, I secretly made up my mind to visit the library again, with or without my friends.

We have no classes after 12:30 pm on Wednesdays, which is why I decided to carry out my plan to steal a glance at the guy.

It was not easy to excuse myself from my friends because they believed that none of us should have to do anything alone in college unless the rest of us are absent.

"The library? What work could you possibly have there?"

"I think she just wants to see the guy again." After Diya said this, I knew it'd be fruitless to lie because I'm terrible at hiding my expressions.

"Well, can you blame me?" I tried to defend myself, "It's not a daily occurrence that we get to see handsome guys." I pouted.

"Should we all go then?"

"Guys, why are we acting as if we've never seen a guy before?" Sonakshi joked.

"We have, but it's rare for one to come to our college unless there's an event, especially single."

"Well, what if he's not single?" Akansha asked.

"Well, what about it? We're not exactly going there for giving our friend's hand in marriage, are we?" Sonakshi smirked.

"We can there too, let's go!" Diya cheered.

The library was unusually crowded, we couldn't get space at the entrance to keep our bags, so that we could spend more time in the library, so we decided on just leaving them in a classroom. With our library cards in our pockets but a different motive in our minds, we approached the shelves looking around casually.

We did get a good look at him and so did many others around us near the shelves when I realized we're not the only group of friends acting like clowns, or like lovers who used to ride around on their bikes in the 90's in the streets of their loved-ones trying to get a look at them. I doubt that this still happens, though.

His hair at first looked black but when he came into the line of sunlight, it shone like it was a dark brown. I wondered if his eyes which seemed black too had the same situation going on.

I didn't hear his voice despite walking past him as nonchalantly as I could. However, I couldn't help but cough as I did, though. His perfume was too strong. I wasn't allergic to strong scents as far as I knew, unless I was in an enclosed space, yet I coughed whenever I inhaled too much of them.

I dry-coughed and went near the first shelf under the label, 'Women Studies'. As I tried looking for something which suited my taste, my gaze fell on the guy who was now in my line of sight. I looked away as soon as I saw him for now I was actually engrossed in finding a book for myself to issue. The titles seemed interesting, and I couldn't resist the urge to hold Beauvoir's 'The Second Sex', it was as heavy as it looked.

"What are you looking for?"

Low and velvet-like.

"Don't have anything particular in mind, just looking to see if I find something interesting enough to read." My voice came out a little wobbly yet I tried to sound as if I'm still focused on finding something interesting. I did find something interesting but it's too soon to give that information away, so even though my focus was not on the books anymore, I kept my eyes glued to the books in front.

"What department are you from?"

"English." My being in this section helped my answer to sound credible.

"What kind of books do you usually like to read?"

"Fiction."

"I doubt you'd find something here, then."

"I didn't find anything interesting in that section, so I thought I might find something interesting here," I said as I looked at him but not for long, obviously. Does this count as flirting?

"Oh."

After a brief moment of silence which I couldn't bear, I summoned up the courage to ask a question this time. "Are you here to help me or…?"

"I could've helped but you don't have anything particular in mind, so I'll stay for a bit to ensure that you don't whip out your phone to click pictures."

"Is that what your job is here?" Although I felt a bit pissed because he brought that up, my stomach betrayed me to bring the dead butterflies back to life.

"I'm an intern here. I've been instructed to watch out for the students who secretly record things here."

"Why, though?"

"Probably to protect the vibes of a library? Regardless, it's a rule."

"What a stupid rule."

"Do you come here often?"

Was he flirting with me or am I just too full of myself? "Nope."

"No wonder. Otherwise you'd have known about the rule."

"I knew about the rule, just didn't know that people take it seriously."

"It's obvious who knows the rules and who doesn't, I've been here long enough."

"Whatever." Thank god, I didn't lie earlier.

"Well, your friends aren't around so I guess you wouldn't use your phone. Once you choose a book, come to that desk." He retreated his steps and pointed at a desk where the librarian was sitting.

"I know." I squinted my eyes and gave him a curt nod.

He just smiled smugly. Now I really had to choose a book as if I had something to prove to the guy. Akansha came up to me with a knowing smile on her face.

"How did it go?"

"It looks like he knows he's good-looking, thus, acted cocky."

"Oh, so a no-no?"

"For now. Help me find an interesting book."

I issued Kate Millet's 'Sexual Politics' that day. I could only read a little where a few instances of sexual politics were given in one week's time. When I wanted to reissue the book, I got to know another stupid rule of the library, not allowing students to reissue books. Thankfully, the intern wasn't there that day. Still, I issued a book that day so that I'd have a reason to come back.

It wasn't rare to come across the staff who had the duty to manage the library at the campus, yet I never ran into the intern. After I had narrated that day's incident to my friends, they lost interest when I began with the same statement I had made to Akansha. After a few weeks of visiting the library whenever we had time, Sonakshi and Diya seemed to lose interest in contrast to me and Akansha.

We realized how interesting it actually is to spend time between the shelves of the library looking for books we had never thought of reading before. We would even bump into one or two of our professors who seemed happy to see us often there. This gave our new found interest a boost. While both of us were genuinely content because of the peace found at the library, I wouldn't lie to the reader that my recently brought to life butterflies were part of the reason for my being drawn to the library too. They seemed to have developed a liking to the strong masculine scent of the intern's perfume whereas my nose was still as wary.

We didn't talk after that day, but I was growing unsure of my feelings. Did I like guys who are confident in their looks? The intern had a reason to be cocky, sure, but modesty is more attractive to me. On the other hand, I couldn't pinpoint if I and the intern were at the 'stealing glances at each other' phase or was I just becoming conceited. The library, I learnt, was usually crowded during the second half of the day, which is when we visited the library with our professor that day.

However, I tried to steal glances at the intern sometimes from between the gaps in the shelves, or the pages of my book, or while talking to Akansha, for which she often mocked me. "Are you listening to me or ogling at the intern?"

"Hey! Not so loud," I whispered-shouted at her jokingly, "And don't you do the same when it comes to the History department girl?"

"Guilty, your lord."

I and Akansha bonded plenty during our shenanigans at the library while coming across books which renewed our interest when it came to reading simultaneously. Sonakshi and Diya joined us whenever they saw that the library wasn't too crowded, half-heartedly looking for books. I had told them about the rule of not recording here, to which Sonakshi paid no heed.

As I was issuing a book at the desk one day, I looked back at where my friends were to find Sonakshi and Akansha giggling as Diya held up the phone. Unconsciously, my eyes went to where the intern was usually sitting only to find him looking at me already. To me, it seemed like he didn't notice my friends earlier, but after being caught glancing my way, he looked at where I looked earlier and got up from his seat.

He approached my friends and said something incoherent to me. My gaze was still fixed on the scene so when all of them except the intern looked my way. Confused, I raised my eyebrows at them. After the intern was done with them, he went back to his seat without looking at me. I got to know later, "I'm sure your friend there told you about the no-recording rule here, right? I'd be glad if you guys conformed to it too," is what he said to them.

Thankfully, my friends weren't the ones to take things personally so they just politely apologized and dismissed what happened soon. Sonakshi did mention how she had noticed the intern glancing at me from time to time, and now that he brought me up during the time he reminded them of the rules there, she was suspicious of me.

"I thought I was too full of myself."

"You hear that, guys?" Diya's voice laced with amusement.

"What?"

"How would you know he keeps looking at you unless you too, keep looking at him?"

"Bruh." I face-palmed myself unable to hold my smile back.

The intern's name was still a mystery to me. I can't lie to the reader but I had actually grown a little affectionate towards him—I hate to admit it though. I don't think he has ever taken any days off for which I was immensely glad. My visits to the library became frequent to the point that I ended up reading more books than I thought I would. Every now and then, the intern would lend some help which I never asked for but always appreciated. 

Initially, I found it a bit difficult to get into the habit of reading and finishing a book within a week. As three months passed by, however, I found myself challenging my procrastination. I liked the fact that I was reading so often, and before I knew, I even started writing a bit, though it was all trash. I had no one to show my write-ups to—I felt as if I was doing something which wasn't meant for me, something unnatural. I had talked about this with one of the only professors I could confide in without feeling stupid later on. She advised me to write every day without fail, "Take help from the internet, look up prompts, music might help," or some artwork which I've not come across that might move me. I tried all those things, including writing what I felt. My professor also told me to read as much as I can because reading is going to help me more than anything. I was already reading so much, including my course books, how much more am I supposed to do?

I felt conflicted; Am I not cut out for this kind of thing? Does this all seem unnatural to me right now because I started too late?

I needed inspiration, a muse, perhaps? It all felt ridiculous to me how my mind went back to the intern. My college published a biannual newsletter wherein all sorts of write-ups, articles, poems, short stories, and interviews would be included. Out of nowhere, I had this urge to submit something of my own too. No matter how ridiculous it'd be, I thought I should try, at least. I felt proud of myself for doing something which my professors acknowledged. Being recognized for my efforts was a great feeling even though I wasn't doing anything exceptional.

I ended up writing a poem. My muse, as you can probably guess, was my short-lived crush. I had planned to show my poem to the intern one day without telling him it was dedicated to him, but obviously, I didn't get the chance to do so. I felt crushed.

Throughout his three-month internship, I visited the library frequently. Apart from our 'stealing glances at each other' thing, I thought the intern was quite a gentleman. The other staff members had grown a liking to him too for they were always happy when he was around. It seemed like he carried out his intern duties well and his chivalrous attitude was a cherry on top. Although he came off as cocky first, I stupidly justified his behavior for he was extremely handsome. He wasn't six feet or anything, and his eyes weren't brown either. His natural hair colour was actually black, which I found out after some time. Nothing about him was extraordinary anymore—He just seemed special in my eyes. Why? Maybe the lack of interaction with guys in general does this to one when she's in a girls' college, even though it was embarrassing to admit, I missed having crushes in school which is why I was probably so fixated upon this guy.

Even though I never let him know my feelings, probably the best and worst decision I've made at the same time in my life, I still became jealous when he treated others the same way he treated me. It was a week or two later after he left that I found out the intern had a girlfriend. What was worse is that she was someone from our college. Good for her, I mean, but I realized how conceited I actually was. It was embarrassing, needless to say, but he finished his internship at the library, which meant that I wouldn't have to see him. Phew.

Even though I was angry at him for making me feel like a clown but I was angrier at myself. I invested so much time in thinking about somebody who didn't think about me, heck, I even made him my muse. All of this felt humiliating to admit in front of everyone so I pretended to act nonchalant (I'm terrible at it). Thankfully, it seemed like an experience that I had in common with some other girls who also became regulars to the library. The library definitely looked more spacious after he left.

Akansha told me that I should've expressed what I felt sooner to the intern and not kept all of it to myself because now, it will be difficult for me to move on. Diya, however, thought that I made a good choice of not telling the intern about my true feelings. "You didn't even know his name. Not to mention, he probably had a girlfriend the whole time so you'd be crushed either way."

"I agree, you didn't know him for that long, I doubt he'd have reciprocated your feelings." That was Sonakshi.

"Well, I don't know what to say, I just feel mad at myself for dedicating so much of my time to him."

"On the bright side, you got into writing!" Akansha's words brought a smile to my face.

"My poem didn't get published in the newsletter, though."

"What about it? You've only started your journey, who knows you might become good enough to become a poet later in life?"

"Right? I'm surprised you were consistent with going to the library. That place makes me depressed, not going to lie."

"Me too, I only went there because you guys became fixated on going there every time we had a break."

"I'm guessing you guys wouldn't go there anymore, now that the center of attention has gone."

"Who said that? I actually like going to the library now. I'm upset I didn't start going there early."

"Me too, Akansha, I like spending time there. And now that I've gotten into writing, I'd like to continue reading too. Ms. Esther would be disappointed if I just stopped abruptly."

"You talked about all this with her?"

"I skipped the details about my stupid crush, obviously. I actually want to write better than I'm right now. Ms. Esther has promised to see my write-ups every time I write something new and have no one to show them to."

"Well, we are here too if you want us to read and give some constructive feedback."

"I think I'm good."

"Brat."

And that's how my short-lived crush on the intern came to a halt. I felt guilty that I couldn't tell him about how I truly felt, but I think it's better that I didn't get the chance to do so. There would not have been a good outcome anyway. Somethings are better left unsaid. Besides, like Akansha said, I did get something good out of spending my time over this.

Why did he even get an internship there? He probably got into the relationship before his internship. It's very odd that I didn't hear anything about the girl though when he was still doing his internship, though. Kudos to them for staying lowkey.

The butterflies in my stomach are definitely disappointed, I can feel it. But it'd be pointless to let them die, who knows when they'll make me feel alive again? Even though I'm disappointed that my life felt eventful only because a guy I couldn't even find the name of appeared in it, however, I must give credit where it's due.

If it wasn't for the prospect of stealing glances at the intern, I wouldn't have discovered my newfound love for reading and writing. I wouldn't have become proud of myself if it wasn't for the intern—wait no, enough credit given to him. I showed up there because of my feelings for that guy, he didn't do anything but just look good.

Exactly, it was my feelings, my time, my dedication, my consistency at becoming better at writing. I feel sad that I'll have to stay with these feelings alone. Even if he would've rejected me, at least, he'd have been aware.

But no, that would have made him cockier than he was. The intern not only left behind these feelings with me but now, whenever I think of how I got into writing, he's going to be the face that will pop up in my mind.

A cruel reminder of my cowardice and conceitedness. Maybe, I'll learn to be grateful and get rid of this embarrassment. For now, I'll thank the lords above because this could've gone wrong but it didn't. Not a lot, at least. I got something out of this, and I also didn't.

Everything happened for the best in the way it did. Maybe, some years down the lane, I'll look back at the poem I wrote and think, "I'm glad that happened. I wouldn't want it any other way."

Maybe.