DRY JANUARY (Part-1)

When I was young, I always used to wonder what was so special about alcohol that many people couldn’t live without consuming it again. From what I’d heard, the strong ones were never tasteful but a lot of people preferred them. I also consumed food that was unhealthy for my body if not consumed within a limit, for instance, pizza! But it was tasty, it was worth the risk. And kind of, still is. As I was reminiscing about the thoughts that I had regarding alcohol when I was younger I couldn’t help but chuckle. Oh, how naïve I was. I lazily glanced at the now empty bottle in my hand and then at the emptied bottle on the floor, and then thought to myself that it was New Year’s Eve and I shouldn’t hold back from celebrating this auspicious occasion that I love and enjoy very much. Lies, I just want to drink more to my heart’s content. It’s been long and I missed this ecstatic feeling. I giggled at my stupid thoughts that were just trying to compel me into drinking even more. Well, not my fault that my drunk side has no self-control. To be fair, nor does my sober side or I wouldn’t be in this situation. Chuckling once again, I tried to sit up straight without falling on my side and stood up slowly to not lose my balance. Swaying as if I were dancing to music, I made my way to the fridge only to find… no more bottles?! How did I run out so soon? Grunting I made my way back to the couch and grabbed my phone to buzz my dearest friend.

“Hello, V?” My friend’s voice reached my ear and I didn’t delay in responding.

“Jack… come back,” I whined through my slurred speech as I imitated Rose, or at least tried to.

“What- Don’t tell me you’re drunk again, V? That too, at three in the afternoon?! I thought you vowed to become a Teetotaller last week, huh?” She sounded worried and who wouldn’t be, for I relapsed for like the nth time, already. Anyone would be fed up with my unhealthy habits but not Jackie. She was my best pal who was always so patient with me.

“I did, but it’s New Year’s Eve, Jackie! Where are you? We should totally hang out!” I couldn’t conceal my excitement that was prompted by the euphoric state I was in.

“Oh my god, V, didn’t I tell you that I’d be going back to my parents’ for dinner? Of course, you’d forget since you decided to get wasted.” Her disappointment was evident but I was too drunk to retort back so I just giggled. “All right, tell me, how many bottles are you down? Be honest with me.”

“Only two. Are you proud of me?” I spoke through giggles.

“I’m, honey but it’s still considerable and this isn’t the reasonable hour to get wasted to either. All right, tell me, will you be able to throw up, willingly?”

“What? Why? I don’t want to throw up! I don’t like the feeling!” I whined through the phone as Jackie tried to negotiate with me.

“Nobody does, honey. But if you promise to sober up before it’s seven, I’ll pick you up from your place and then we can have dinner with my family, what say? We could go see the fireworks in the park near the mall afterward, huh?”

“Sounds like a plan.”

“It is. I don’t want you to spend the last day of the year wasted and rotting alone at your place.” She chuckled.

“Hey! I’m not rotting here. I just… didn’t have plans.” This time I retorted back. Jackie knew how to get on my nerves which is why, even though I was drunk I forced myself up once again bidding Jackie a bye after declaring that I’d sober myself up for her.

The clock at the wall read six-thirty and I felt kind of lazy for I’d knocked myself out after throwing up. Thankfully, I wasn’t drunk anymore so I texted Jackie that she didn’t have to pick me up for I knew she’d be busy helping her father with chores, and so I’d walk to her place because I felt like taking a stroll. After assuring her that I’d be fine since I wasn’t drunk anymore, I picked up my bag and headed out after locking my door. The chilly wind of December welcomed me in its embrace as soon as I stepped out and I didn’t complain as it felt refreshing. I could see the shops and houses lightened up with Christmas lights which kind of aroused my festive mood too. Even though it started getting a bit dark the streets were as lively as ever. The streets felt alive, which I didn’t feel at my place so I was happy that I decided to take a walk before going to Jackie’s. I also wanted to buy her and Mr. Lee a present to express my gratitude to them for taking care of me like I was their family.

I’ve been living alone in my rented room at the apartment which is about half an hour away from Jackie’s place. My family lives in another country, on the opposite side of the continent on which I was. I’m not a Christian so I couldn’t get myself in the festive mood since October. Although Jackie did invite me to her place on Thanksgiving, I’d turned her down for I felt lonely. Also, because I wasn’t non-vegetarian there’s no way I could’ve had the turkey. I was in touch with my parents but I couldn’t go back to my home country this winter because the workload was a bit too much. Life had become exhausting ever since I relocated to become financially independent, due to which my alcohol addiction began. My parents were unaware of this and I felt ashamed to inform them about it. My parents would probably not judge me if I were to tell them that I drank once in a while but addiction is where they’d draw the line, understandably. This is why, I decided that I’d tell them about this once I’d overcome the addiction so that they would probably worry less. I know they’d send for me but I don’t want to cause them any trouble nor do I want them to think that I don’t have discipline in my life. I want them to not doubt my independence which is why only Jackie knew about this. She helped me get through my days in rehab, where I’d lose my mind due to the withdrawal symptoms.

That time truly was something. I never knew that I’d be so caught up with adulthood that I’d stop taking care of myself to the point that it felt absolutely humiliating to survive. It was a huge deal to me as I always believed when I was young that it’d be impossible for me to ever like the taste of alcohol. But time has shown me how dramatically tables can turn as time passes by. I used to feel that I was flushing my morals down the toilet along with the vomit after every hangover when I was addicted. I was aware that my life was falling apart but I couldn’t get myself to do anything about it. I could’ve fallen into depression if it wasn’t for Jackie holding on to me every time I was drunk. Because of her, I held onto the hope that someday things would be fine. Someday, I will not feel like drinking to be happy for it’ll be possible without it. My alcohol tolerance lowered during rehab which is why I was drunk only after two bottles earlier.

Thanks to Jackie I got defensive enough to do something about the state that I was in which brings me to this beautiful florist shop which was beautifully decorated. As I stepped in the bell hung at the door alarmed the florist at the counter about my presence who greeted me with a bright smile. I smiled back and gaped at the interior.

“This is a mesmerizing interior design,” I gave the owner of the shop the well-deserved praise before scanning my surroundings. “Did you do this all by yourself?”

“Thank you for saying that,” I could feel from her voice that she was equally as proud of the outcome as I was captivated by it. “Though I think I could’ve done more and better.”

“Are you kidding? This is perfect.” She seemed bashful but her eyes gave away her happiness. I looked around at the flowers whose aroma complemented the place so well. Since I wanted to express my gratitude towards Jackie and her father I turned to the florist to inquire about the flowers that symbolize gratitude, and if they were available.

“Blue hydrangeas,” she uttered and pointed to the said flowers. “How do you like them?”

“They’re stunning. I’d like to buy a bouquet of these.”

“Sure,” she went inside one of the rooms and started preparing a bouquet for me. “Would you like to have something?”

I shook my head and thanked her thinking of a conversation starter. “Do you run this shop alone?”

“Yes. I wasn’t going to keep it open till this time but I’d nothing else to do.”

“Oh? Is that so?” I didn’t know if I should pry more so I halted.

“Yes. I’d have been with my son right now but he’s busy.”

“Busy? On New Year’s Eve?” I couldn’t hide my surprise as my eyebrows naturally furrowed.

“Yeah, he doesn’t live here. He’s somewhere in Australia with his girlfriend.” Even though she tried to be nonchalant about it, her voice expressed her sadness and I felt bad for her until I remembered my family. So before I knew I was opening up to her.

“I too, live away from my family. I couldn’t go back home due to the workload at the office.”

She scoffed, “Work is more important than family to you, dear?”

I was incredulous but I didn’t try to sound offended, “It isn’t but my parents also wanted me to-“

“Stay here and not worry about them?” And this time I noticed tears in her eyes as she looked straight at me. “Well, I made the same mistake and now, I have to spend this New Year all alone even though I’ve someone I can call family. Why does today’s generation not think of their aging parents? Then they all regret not spending enough time with their parents after their demise. It’s a given that no parent would want their child to face any inconvenience even if it means compromising on the time they could spend together.”

Honestly, the abrupt change in her demeanor caught me off-guard but I couldn’t defend myself and stayed silent, wondering if I should offer her a tissue, apologize, or defend myself. She must’ve felt embarrassed for lashing out at a customer and quickly wiped her tears apologizing to me. Even though I knew where she was coming from I couldn’t tell her that there was no need to apologize but could only utter a soft “it’s all right”.

Thanking her I smiled at her when she calculated the bill of wrapping the bouquet prettily and smiled back, though this time the smile didn’t reach her eyes. I couldn’t bear the tension and quickly left the shop for Jackie’s place. On my way, my mind was blurred with the thoughts of the event that unfolded earlier. Thankfully, I’d not lost my morals so much since I didn’t use my customer privileges to embarrass her, it was the bare minimum but I still felt proud of myself for not becoming defensive. A negative trait that I’d acquired during my addiction. Brushing all the thoughts aside, I approached Jackie’s front door and rang the bell. I was right on time, it was twenty-five minutes past seven.

I was greeted with a warm hug by Jackie and her father before they expressed how glad they were that I could make it. Suppressing a smirk as Jackie was being pretentious about my situation earlier I handed Mr. Lee the flowers and thanked them both.

The dinner was fulfilling and as planned, I and Jackie are now out for our night stroll in the park near her place. I had such a good time with Jackie and Mr. Lee, never felt more at home in the U.S. ever before. After dinner, Mr. Lee decided to pull out the stash of Uno cards to play and absolutely devoured me and Jackie during the game. Nevertheless, it was more fun than I’d thought.

“Hey Jackie, thanks for tonight,” I turned to her while smiling. “If it wasn’t for you I'd have regretted not going out of my house tonight.”

“Mention not, V. I’m glad I decided to offend you too, earlier,” She spoke through a chuckle. “Seriously, though, why’d you decide to drink again?”

“I don’t know, I couldn’t resist the urge to buy two bottles, for what it’s worth I only opened them on an occasion,” I uttered giving her a cheesy smile.

“Tch, V. All right, but why’d you do that again? You could’ve at least waited for the clock to strike 12, huh?”

“Well, it’d struck noon already.” I giggled.

“V, I’m serious.”

“All right all right, I just felt lonely and drank to subside the pain, that’s all. But at least I was well enough to sober myself up, alone right?”

“Yes, I’ll agree with that. But you need to be careful not to let this happen next time.”

“Yes, mother.” I chuckled through my response but only I seemed to find that funny.

“Speaking of which-“

“I don’t know if I should call them Jackie. I want to but now, every time I drink I feel disappointed in myself. I started thinking of the possibilities that might trigger the addiction, again. However, somehow I can’t avoid it either.” I began explaining myself for I knew where the topic would lead to when Jackie began to speak.

“I understand how you feel but look, some time has passed since you’d gone to the rehab and you’ve not relapsed yet, right? It’s better to let them know, to our surprise they might understand you and support you too, they’re your parents, after all.”

“I know but each time I decide that it’s time to inform them, I feel nervous. What if they judge me? I’d come here after promising them that I’d take care of myself which I failed to do so.”

“But you’re taking care of yourself now, aren’t you? You’re doing this in limit now, right?”

“Yes, don’t worry. I’d never hide anything from you about this.”

“Well, since it’s new year soon, you’ll be video-calling them soon, right?”

“Ye- No, Jackie! I’m not ready to drop this bomb on them right on a new year.”

“Easy, easy,” she chuckled. “I was just asking if you’d call them in general.”

A few seconds had passed and I broke the silence, again. “Jackie…”

“Hm?” she looked at me expectantly.

“I want to go back to India.”

No response.

“What do you think?”

“Well, it’d be nice to meet your parents in person and-“

“No, Jackie. I miss living with them. I don’t just want to go back and return, I want to move back.”

Jackie didn’t seem to have a response to that but smiled in a way that made the air around us poignant and I couldn’t help but hug her. “You know I’d miss you, right?”

“Yes, silly,” she uttered as she hugged me back. “And I’d miss you even more but why suddenly? I thought your parents were cool with you staying here.”

“Yes, but something tells me that they just lied to not cause me inconvenience, you know?” Something? Or more like someone.

“I know how much you miss them.”

“Exactly, and I kind of feel bad that their only daughter is away from them. I may have realized this a bit late but better late than never, huh?”

“Truer words have never been spoken.”

“Right?”

“For real, you’re not always wise so I guess something about New Year’s air is making you high.” She proceeded to run away after the statement and I chased her right after for.

“You prick.”

That brat had the audacity to laugh and I couldn’t help but smile widely as the chilly December wind teared me up.