Dry January (Part-2)

It’d been a week since New Year had begun when I decided to pack my bag and leave for the airport. Jackie was busy which is why we spent last night together at her place, with Mr. Lee once again whipping out the Uno cards. This was followed by I and Jackie crying our hearts out hours later reminiscing about how our friendship began, and how we first hated each other’s guts with Jackie blurting out “If we were characters of a book, our trope would be enemies to lovers, innit?”

“Historians would say we were only friends.” I managed to speak through a snort as she joined me.

I’ll miss the Lee family but I’ve my own to take care of. I was on my way when I encountered that florist shop again, it was closed and I couldn’t help but think if it were open, would have I gone to see her? And tell her that I’d be going back to my parents now? I’d applied for a resignation weeks ago so I was free in all ways to leave. “I’ll sweat about this later but anyways…” I just wanted to sleep my thoughts away onboard so I pulled my sleep mask down to my eyes which was all it took me to pass out right after a few minutes.

-

Not going to lie, the sleep may have helped but it made me cranky. It was probably the jet lag contributing to my exhaustion. But, I was back home, finally. I was overwhelmed seeing all the faces of the strangers since they were mostly Indians, and I felt stupid, elated, and nervous. Nervous. How will my parents react? I knew they’d be happy to see me but what will be their reaction once they get to know I’m not going anywhere anymore? I’m not going to leave them again… I missed them.

And the fact that I still hadn’t dropped the bomb of news on them had shivers down my spine. Am I courageous enough to do this without Jackie? I’ve to be. Anyway, the plan was to buy sweets and then visit my parents so I whipped out my phone and booked a cab where I started looking through Google Maps to find any sweet shops near my parents’ place. And to my utmost delight I found one so that was to be my stop, I informed the driver. The ride was a good thirty minutes due to the traffic but I was still happy. I missed this pollution of Delhi, I chuckled at the way I was romanticizing this.

As I looked around my surroundings I spotted the sweets shop easily, and also a florist shop situated between two other shops. Was this a sign perhaps..? Even if it wasn’t I seized the opportunity to buy flowers too.

I looked at my hands and I thought it’d be easy for someone to snatch something out of my hands as one hand was on my language while the other held the sweets in the hand with the small bouquet of white tulips tucked inside my elbows. This thought prompted me to walk faster towards my parents’.

I let out a sigh, let’s do this. I rang the bell and didn’t have to wait for more than five seconds to see a face that I loved stop in its tracks… really stopped in its tracks. “Namaste, Maate.” I chuckled through my words as I addressed my mother with my favorite nickname of hers that I used for her as my eyes teared up mirroring hers. I could sense how moved my mom was that for a while there she didn’t unlock the door which I couldn’t help but laugh at. And when she finally did, she embraced me. I missed my home, I thought before tears escaped my eyes. None of us would have broken the hug if it wasn’t for my father who chimed in, “Humara chhota sher aa gaya?” I approached him for him to hug me too. That was all it took for me to start sobbing.

Thirty minutes had passed and my tears still hadn’t dried up, mirroring my mother who was still unimpressed by the fact that I hadn’t informed them of my arrival otherwise she would have prepared my favourite dishes for me. But I didn’t waste any moment as the moment got the best of me to make a revelation.

“I left my job.” It would be an understatement to declare that my parents were stunned. I couldn’t tell if they were happy or sad or what so I continued, “I missed you guys and I want to stay and work here, by your sides.”

“So, you’re not going back?” My mother cooed before more tears of hope made their way out of her eyes.

“Yes, meri jaan, what else would that mean?” I chuckled but she didn’t find that funny.

“Are you sure about this, beta? We know how much moving out of India and becoming independent meant to you, and as much as we’d like you not to leave too, we also don’t want you to compromise on what you’ve always wanted.” That was my father.

“I’d wanted it once, Papa. And right now, I want this.” I gave him a tight-lipped smile while pointing around me, as all the feelings from the moments I’d felt alone in the U.S. were crashing down on me, triggering more tears.

“Oh, I’m so happy, beta.” My mom finally wiped her tears off and hugged me again.

“Are you sure?” Papa began. “I thought you were crying because our young troublemaker is back to put us through a hard time again.” As much as I found it funny, I couldn’t get myself to laugh at it, nor did my mom who scowled at him.

“Oh, shut up you.” Now at this, I had to laugh and my father joined me.

A day had passed after being received so well that the negative thoughts clouded my mind again. Will my parents maintain that same demeanor once I make another reveal to them that might leave them stupefied? Will I still be loved the same or will they judge me for not taking care of myself the way I was supposed to? I was also trying to suppress the urge to go out and grab a drink since these thoughts wouldn’t leave me alone. So, I texted Jackie for advice.

“Yo, should I drink or talk things out?”

Only fifteen seconds had passed when I received a text, “You dumbo, talk them out obviously. What’s up? How’s everything going?”

“Everything is fine, being home made me realize how I’d suppressed the homesickness by drinking too often.”

“And your dumb ahh was about to do that again. You’re at home now so why’d you wanna drink?”

“I can’t help it, Jackie... I started thinking about how I wanted to tell my parents about all that had happened back in the U.S. and before I knew it I felt like drinking to escape this feeling.”

“Vedika, woman up! I’m sure your parents will not disown you.”

“Hey! Stop texting stuff like that! What if your dumb ahh is foreshadowing…?”

“Will you stop overthinking and just spew the secret out before it consumes your dumb ahh, hon?”

“You are the dumb ahh, here. Hmph.”

“Right, what’s even the time there?”

“In about fifteen minutes, a new day will begin.”

“And you’re up thinking?”

“Yeah…”

“Nothing ever good comes out of it, go to sleep dumbo.”

“Okay rude, nighty night <3”

“Good night <3”

-

A new day has begun for me to make the worst decisions in the history of mankind again. Brushing my teeth after tucking my tousled hair behind my ears, I let an agitated sigh out. Why did my parents not wake me up during breakfast? It’s about to be noon and sleeping this much has made me grumpy. I puffed out another sigh. It’s embarrassing to wake up at noon as an adult but it brings back memories from the time when I was younger and my parents would let me sleep to my heart’s content. Being the only child ensured that I had fewer responsibilities on my shoulders which I was thankful for. After becoming independent, I became hard on myself and did extra work to let the feeling of ‘adulthood’ settle into my lifestyle. But I got tired of it. Living alone that too in a foreign country sucks. What was I on about when I planned to relocate? I was probably high on air, I couldn’t help but chuckle which soon died. I should tell them… during lunch. What if they lose their appetites, though? But I don’t want to keep this from them any longer either. I’m conflicted. I’ll go with the flow. Yes.

The only thing that would go with the flow is my bowel movements which might get triggered from the anxiety that I’m experiencing right now. Yikes, Vedika, You’re about to eat lunch.

“What’s for lunch- wait… Chhole Chawal?” I exclaimed.

“Yes, I know how much you love rice and it’s not even Ekadashi today, so-“

“Oh my god, I can’t wait to dig in. Mother India, you’re the best!” I dramatically uttered wiping invisible tears and sat down.

I and my father grabbed our plates as Mother brought both the cookers to the dining table. We served ourselves according to our appetites. My mind went back to the thoughts from earlier… to last night. I’ll tell them after we finish lunch, yes! As my parents conversed about my cousin brother whom they adored very much returning home for winter vacation, I started planning the script in my head that I’d follow by heart. Hopefully, my parents are good at telepathy and follow it as well.

“I want to tell you guys something,” I spoke as softly as I could, and in a snap, I got my parents’ attention.

“Yeah? What happened?” That was my father encouraging me to continue further.

Go big or go home! I already am home, ugh, anyway. “I drink.”

“Okay, and?”

I looked up to meet my mom’s eyes, “And? You don’t have a problem with that?”

“Why would we? You look just fine to me so you’re probably not addicted and besides, it’s impossible and uncommon to not drink with colleagues and friends around. We know the scene.”

“No, Papa. You don’t understand…” His confidence in the first sentence made me reluctant to continue.

“You can tell us anything, you know, right?” My mom looked at me with such comfort that I just blurted it all out.

“Well, there was a time months ago when my drinking habits got out of hand and… I'd to go to rehab…” I couldn’t make eye contact with anyone anymore. Just like that, the cat was out of the bag.

“And you’re telling us about this now?” There it goes, the change in tone intimidating me more than ever so, consequently, I stayed silent. I was ashamed. Not only Papa sounded disappointed understandably, but his words indicated that he was hurt that I didn’t tell them about this when I had so many opportunities to do so.

“What else have you been keeping from us?”

The script I planned in my mind wasn’t being followed and that was all it took me to break down in front of them. The silence made it a lot worse than I thought. The tension was about to choke me through the tears when it was finally sub-sided by what Mummy said next.

“We’re not disappointed in you, beta. I can’t even imagine how difficult alcohol addiction is let alone dealing with the withdrawal but I’m upset that you didn’t think of us when you were suffering. Despite being in touch, you hid a thing this big from us?”

“I did think of you but I was ashamed to tell you both how I let an addiction almost ruin my life… After ensuring you both that I’d do well on my own in a foreign country which I didn’t made me feel like a failure and thus, I couldn’t help but hide this…”

“Did you resign from your job on your own or were you fired?”

A stab in the stomach would’ve hurt less. “No, I wasn’t fired,” My voice cracked a bit embarrassing me even more. “I showed up to work diligently. It was my choice to leave it because I didn’t feel like I was happy there, Papa,” I was surprised that I managed to answer, probably because now I felt defensive. “How could you even think like that?”

“Did you think enough before hiding something like this from your parents?” He began to rise from his seat as he spewed the venom onto me with his next words. “After being such a disgraceful child, you’re not going to play moral police here, are you?”

“Well, it’s not on me that I felt like hiding things from my parents! Maybe you should reevaluate the parenting you subjected me to when I was younger which compelled me to find freedom only through living alone, which in the end trapped me in this terrible system where I felt lonely and I resorted to drinking to forget the pain rather than approaching such supportive parents. You’ve just proved my point of reason for not sharing things with you.” I didn’t even give anyone a minute as I wiped my cheeks with dried tears and stormed to my room.

Stupid, stupid, stupid. I got defensive again and messed things up. There’s no going back from what was said there. I lost their trust and now Papa even thinks of me as a disgrace? Even though I was in the wrong there, I couldn’t help but feel hurt. There was no need to say all that. If I were given a chance to explain myself better I would’ve taken it. But I had to put up a defensive front because I wasn’t fired from the job! Addictions like these happen to anyone but I went to rehab to fix myself when I didn’t even feel like living. I fixed myself for them… only to hear all that…

“You could’ve given her a chance to explain herself! Only God knows what she’s been through and you belittled her feelings and probably made her feel worse.”

“I was offended, all right? And she doesn’t have the right to answer back to her parents when she’s the one at fault. If she can’t understand that her actions have consequences which she’ll be held accountable for and scolded accordingly then she shouldn’t talk things out with us.”

“You should reconsi-“

“No, I’d rather not. We’re not going to talk about this anymore.”

-

I sat with my back against the door of my room as my tears couldn’t help but escape. What was I even expecting from him? They failed to understand me when I wanted them to more than anyone else, once again. All the memories from when I was little flashed in my mind: From the time when I was told, “You can do whatever you want once you start earning. Right now, since you live with us, under our roof, you do as we say.” Or from the time I wanted to let loose and enjoy life like my other friends to not experience FOMO but failed because I was bound by restrictions, staying at home when they all hung out and had fun while I rotted in these same four walls of my room constantly checking my friends' social media updates.

What was I even expecting from the person who never learned to face his demons and let himself be consumed by them as they affected the others around him? How would he understand a person who attempted to face her demons so that her loved ones wouldn’t blame themselves for her condition? I should’ve stayed where I was, with Jackie. Blood isn’t thicker than water.

-

After today’s events, I avoided going out of my room as much as possible. My mother who only wanted me and my father to reconcile was talking to both parties but was unable to convince either of them to initiate a conversation with the other, and was torn apart. Her only daughter had returned after so long so she wasn’t going to let this stop her from trying to spend time with her daughter. She opened up the photo albums that contained all the memories my parents had captured during my childhood.

Looking at your past memories with your loved ones is surely a bonding activity that has the power to distract you for a while, even if it makes you feel bittersweet and nostalgic. This is why I lay in my bed once again thinking if I should give in and initiate a conversation with my father. I was the younger one so it won’t be as embarrassing as it will be for my father to put his ego aside for once... and now I’m justifying his behaviour… I shouldn’t give in, for I’m still as hurt as I was when that incident from ten years ago crossed my mind for the nth time.