DRY JANUARY (Part-3; Final)

Flashback

Since it was the last day of our high school lives before exams commenced, we all decided to hang out after scribbling day was over. It wasn’t uncommon for me, Rhea, Jatin, and Aaditya to hang out, so our plans consisted of mindlessly strolling through our neighborhood whilst enjoying each other’s company after classes ended.

This was like any other day but the only difference was that we’d have no more classes together. School is over, just like that. I’ve known these three people since we were in nursery. I became good friends with Rhea, and later my friendship escalated with the two guys. Since it was the four of us, no one ever felt left out.

My parents knew Rhea’s parents, and so didn’t disapprove of my friendship with her, unlike Aaditya and Jatin. Aaditya and Jatin weren’t bad, it’s just that my parents were protective of me. This is why I often used to hang out with my three friends without telling my parents that Aaditya and Jatin were a part of my close friend circle.

As I and Rhea were walking hand in hand, Aaditya was looking around our neighborhood since he was the only one who lived afar in our group.

Out of nowhere, Jatin pulled out a pack of cigarettes. The sound of the lighter grabbed our attention altogether.

Before anyone could rebuke Jatin, he defended himself, “I’m not going to light more than one cig, trust me.”

“That doesn’t matter. Why do we have to breathe the same polluted air as you and deal with the consequences when we don’t even smoke?” Rhea raised the point that I thought of too, so I decided to blurt a simple “Exactly” after her.

“You guys are just too dramatic. Aaditya doesn’t complain like you too.”

“That’s because I care for you,” Aaditya said.

“See, this is why I’d choose no one else above you, best bud.” Jatin’s cheesy remark gained a “Pfft” and a chuckle of disbelief from all of us.

“As his 'best bud', shouldn’t you try to discipline him?” I questioned Aaditya, and Rhea agreed.

“Trust me, Vedika, I’ve tried. It’s just too difficult to let go of an addiction like this, I’ve seen how cranky he becomes when he goes without smoking even for a day.”

“Tell her, man. You don’t know how it feels to be addicted to a bad habit like this.” Even though I understood where Jatin was coming from, I sighed in response.

“What’s going to be difficult is your life ahead if you don’t let go of this bad habit,” Rhea said.

“Eh, it’s going to be difficult either way. Smoking is a temporary relief from all this because as a man, I can’t walk hand in hand with my “bestie” and talk about what’s bothering me.” Jatin signaled towards Rhea’s hand around mine with puppy eyes, to which Aaditya giggled and said “Point”. “And anyway, I’ve brought myself to smoking only 2 cigs a day from 5, ya know?”

“That’s not the way it should be. If it’s going to be only you two, then use each other for comfort.” I agreed with Rhea. (If it wasn’t obvious, I and Rhea agree with each other on literally everything.)

“That’s the way it is, though. Society’s like this, so we have to blend in too.”

“Enough talk about this, I’m going to miss this so much, y’all,” Jatin spoke in an exaggerated tone and clinged to Aaditya’s arm.

“See, it isn’t that difficult to walk hand in hand with your “bestie”. At my comment, everybody giggled and I felt smug.

“I can’t believe how normal we’re today even though school’s over now.” At Aaditya’s words, everyone felt silent before Jatin decided to break it.

“Well, I, Vedi and Rhea can still hang out.”

“Well, don’t do that often, that’ll give me FOMO.” Aaditya scrunched his nose.

“Now that you said it, we’ll do the opposite of it.”

“I always knew you hated me, Rhea.”

“I’m proud of always being real with you, hon.”

“Guys, I don’t think I’ll be able to hang out as often anymore.”

“That’s all right, Vedi. We all are going to get so busy to the point we’ll have to literally schedule these strolls.”

“That’s one thing but my parents would rather me study, than hang out now, even with Rhea.”

“Woah, so now your parents despise me too?” Rhea questioned with a giggle.

“No no, they don’t. It’s just, I wouldn’t want to hide the fact that I hang out with these two dorks too along with you. I don’t know how accepting they’ll be so I don’t know if I should continue to hide this from them, or just sit at home and study as they want me to.”

“Well, it’s unfair how controlling your parents are, even though you’ll soon be going to college.” At Jatin’s comment, the other two agreed.

“They’re not that controlling, just protective.”

“Come on, Vedi, you’re gaslighting yourself at this point. There’s a limit to everything.”

“Exactly what Rhea said, even if they’re protective they should let you hang out freely with guys you feel comfortable. How will you go to college and make new friends if you avoid boys? Your parents should trust the friends you make, A.K.A us, hehe.”

“I know, Aaditya. But what if they get to know one of you smokes?”

“Why do you have to tell them?” Rhea asked me before continuing, “See, I don’t approve of this guy’s habit too but it’s none of our parents’ business unless Jatin were to peer pressure us, which he never did and never would.”

 “How do you know I wouldn’t, Rhea?” Jatin looked back at her with a creepy smile on his face.

“That’s because you don’t have what it takes.” Jatin dramatically rested his palm on his chest with a pained expression to which I and Aaditya could only giggle.

And all I could think at that moment was how badly I’m going to miss hanging out with these dorks.

Flashback Ends

Had I known it’d be the last time I hung out with them, I’d have spent the whole day in their company against my parents’ wishes even if it meant getting taunted for life.

Long story short, a nosy neighbor of mine snitched on me telling my parents that he spotted me smoking with my friends shamelessly. I hated his guts for twisting the narrative and I hated my parents even more for trusting that guy over their daughter.

Nothing was in my favour starting from the fact that I reeked of the smell of smoke due to being in close contact with Jatin and ending from the fact that my parents didn’t give me a chance to explain myself.

My father ended up contacting Rhea’s parents, to whom I don’t even know what he said. He confiscated my phone and deleted my friends’ contacts after warning me to not hang out with them again. I wish I’d not hidden the fact from my parents that I used to hang out with the boys too, so that all of this wouldn’t have come across wrongly as badly as it did.

Only God knows how much courage it took to forgive my parents for something they never apologized for and to move on from my friends who understood me more than my parents did. Only God knows how helpless I felt that I wanted to move out as soon as possible.

And I did.

My parents, especially my father, never learned how to communicate with their only child due to which I ended up suppressing my feelings and turned to drinking rather than taking help from people around me until I met Jackie.

Oh, how free I was back in the States with Jackie, she reminded me of Rhea. 

I wish I could talk to Jatin for one last time, telling him how well I understand him now and his addiction. If only I knew how I’d use drinking as a temporary relief, I’d have apologized to him for not being able to understand him sooner. If only I knew how difficult it is to let go of addictions, I’d have apologized to him.

I know Aaditya, Rhea, and Jatin wouldn’t have reacted the way my parents did if it was them that I dropped this bomb of news on.

How did my life become like this? Why, in all these years, has my father never learned to communicate? Who will I speak to now? I don’t want to bother Jackie, she must be working right now. And once again I feel like drinking to forget this pain. Did going to Rehab even help me? Or is it the fact that I’m again forced to suppress this tide of emotions that I feel like turning towards the thing that can keep all my secrets without judging me? Is it my fault, once again?

My head was throbbing and I felt like throwing things around in my room, but it’d be a pain in my ass to wake up tomorrow morning and clean the room. So, I decided to sleep.

-

The next morning, I decided to get out of my room and behave like that everything that happened wasn’t bothering me, that I couldn’t care less of what my parents thought of me.

I was proud of myself for facing Rehab without their help, for overcoming an addiction that bad, and so I wasn’t going to hide in my room once again as I did back when I was 17.

I was so consumed in my thoughts that I only noticed my father’s presence in the room when he pulled a chair next to me. I focused on eating my breakfast. I’d not let him ruin another meal.

“Vedika…” Am I a fool for thinking his tone has softened since the last time we talked? Probably. This was my father, after all.

I didn’t look at him and just responded with a “Hmm?”

“Look at me when I’m talking to you.”

“I’m all ears if you want to say something. But I need to focus on my food first.” I didn’t lie, food was a priority.

“I’m sorry.”

…

I stopped chewing. My hand stopped from bringing the spoon near my mouth. Time stopped. Did I hear that right?

With a lot of courage, I looked at him with eyes full of uncertainty. But he looked away before I could look him in the eyes.

“What?”

“You heard me.”

“Yes, but I’m still in disbelief. Did Maa ask you to do this?”

“She did, but it’s not because of her that I’m doing this.”

“Then? For what are you doing this?”

“I may sound selfish, but for myself-“

“Yeah, you do sound selfish.”

“Shut up, brat. Let me speak without interruption.”

And I waited for him to continue.

“Do you remember the last time something like this happened? It was when your Uncle accused you of smoking?”

Ugh, I hate that man. He isn’t my Uncle but I still nodded.

“I found out only later that you hadn’t smoked. It was through your friend’s parent.”

OH? Rhea's mom or dad??

“Jatin, was it?”

…

At the sound of Jatin’s name, my eyes teared up.

“Days after I’d contacted Rhea’s parents, I received a call from Jatin’s mother. I was baffled that she knew that her son used to smoke before she explained to me about her family problems. I was taken aback that she decided to be vulnerable with me, a person she’d never met, only for her son. She told me you and Jatin were good friends. She also told me about Jatin’s addiction, it was all due to his father’s abuse- Did you know about this?”

I nodded even though my neck felt stiff from looking down at my food without any movement. I feared my tears would fall uncontrollably if I looked at my father.

Aaditya and Jatin, both of them thought I and Rhea didn’t know about it. But it was obvious through some observations we’d made. From his scars that were there since he was younger, to the fact that only his Mom used to show up to Parent-Teacher meetings. Jatin also only spoke about his mom and how good of a relationship he had with his mom. We just decided to give Jatin time to open up about it, and years passed but he never did. Maybe, he would have if we still talked after school finished.

“Anyway, I wanted to dismiss the matter then and there. Even though I could understand his mother’s point of view, I didn’t want you to stay friends with Jatin, or anyone else that Jatin knew, including Aaditya and Rhea.”

So, all this time he knew I didn’t smoke AND he knew about Aaditya too? “Even so, it wasn’t your decision to make. I lost some good friends because of you.”

“You were still young then, Vedika. I didn’t trust a teenage boy and his habits enough, believing that they will influence you.”

“And look at what happened? I got addicted to alcohol, without anyone’s influence. I can’t believe you hid this from me.”

“And you hid the fact that you used to hang out with Aaditya and Jatin often, we’re even. Now that we’re at the topic, how did the addiction happen?”

This can’t be real. All this time I doubted my father’s communication skills only for him to catch me off-guard with this. I wasn’t mentally prepared for this. I could feel my palms get clammy, and my left leg started shaking.

“Nothing deep. I just didn’t have anyone to talk to, so I turned to alcohol to forget about all this when I moved out. It took a toll on me that my parents didn’t trust me over a neighbor they saw only once a week and the fact that I lost my best friends. Even though I was old enough to organize my thoughts and reach out for help, I couldn’t.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. I wanted you to forget about the past seeing how well you were studying, and even moved out to live independently.”

“I was independent but lonely.” My heart was beating so loudly by now, I doubted my father couldn't hear it.

“I’m sorry for being immature about this.”

“How are you apologizing so easily, after all these years? Don’t get me wrong, I feel like something bad awaits me.”

“You brat, don’t jinx this. I just recalled this incident because from God knows where your mother pulled out the albums yesterday… And I saw your pictures with your friends from school, and then the one where you’d passed out from school, with none of your friends in the frame. I always felt bad about the fact that your smile had changed without them.” He noticed.

All of the negative thoughts that were always ringing in my head for years could have disappeared so easily? With just one talk? I wouldn’t have gotten addicted to alcohol and dealt with whatever I did if only I and my father had this talk sooner? 

“You’re late.” And with this, my voice started cracking.

“What?”

“Do you realize if we’d talked about this when I finished school, how easy life would have been for me now?”

“Truth be told, I did. I just didn’t know the right time to bring all of this up. And to me, you sounded like you were doing fine.”

“You and I barely talked through video calls. How did you assume this?”

“Vedika, you hid it all from us. History repeated itself.”

“Because you didn’t allow me to explain myself back then.” And with that, a few thick tears fell on my cheeks. Worrying that they might mix in my meal, I quickly wiped them off before I felt my father’s palm on my back, for comfort. Wrong timing, Papa. I felt more emotional.

“That was when I thought you smoked too, mera bacha.”

“And after that, when you finally found out?” Tears kept falling now but I felt calm instead of overwhelmed. How could he just "Mera bacha" out of this?

“I felt embarrassed to bring that incident up again.”

“Are you still in touch with that ‘Uncle’ of mine?”

“No, he moved out years after you did.”

“Fortunately.”

“Indeed.”

“I can’t believe years of torture ended just with one talk. I’ll be honest, I didn’t know you could communicate this well.”

“Once a brat, always a brat. I knew how to communicate, it’s just I made a grave mistake when I thought I was right.”

“Yeah, you’ve always been the self-righteous kind.”

To this, he lightly smacked my back. It wasn’t painful. Not anymore.

“Anyway, now tell me, have you gotten wasted since this year began?” And here it goes.

“No, I wanted to. The last time I drank was on the last day of last year.”

“And after that, you didn’t?”

“Are you serious?”

My father giggled. “I’m sorry, I find it hard to believe that you resisted the urge to drink.”

“It’s because of my friend, Jackie. I’ve told you about her.”

“Yeah, heard about her from your mother too. How did she help you?”

“Well, she was there throughout the time I was in Rehab,” I could notice my father’s smile faltering a bit. “She introduced me to this concept of ‘Dry January’, where one refrains from drinking in January at all as a challenge. Jackie thought it’d be nice of me to spend the first month of the year without drinking. In a nutshell, she helped me a lot and continues to till date.”

“And you’ve been consistent?”

“Papa…”

“I’m just kidding.” He spoke before laughing and I joined him. My tears hadn’t stopped, but they’d just reduced in quantity, just like the burden of the past that was lifted off my back. Maybe, my father’s comforting pats worked wonders, just like this conversation that was much needed.

Now that everything’s fine, maybe I can reconnect with Jatin, that is, if my father still has his mother’s number. Before any of that, I should text Jackie!