Alas!Mirage In My Heart Fades!

September 21 st.....This wasn't our first meeting but as always it was hard for me to hide the excitement, and how could I do that when I find myself elated to next level after our first aligned meeting, whenever I recall the feeling it was subtle,something sublime that feeling every time when he looked at me and smiled. When I first met him, I honestly didn't know he is going to be this important to me.That day something entangled my mind and then I tossed and turned and tried to unwind surprisingly. I am a fighter not an easy one to explore,always stern looks,rough tone, so a stranger needs guts to approach me.Though with some close acquaintances I'm shy at first.... but I do the stupidest random things when I get comfortable with someone.

It all started in a funny way with some...Do you's...and continued with ....What if's ....and with some ....May be's....it turned out to be....Can we keep each other's company, something which we never imagined. No one knows what life has stored for us, sometimes someone comes into your life so unexpectedly takes your heart by surprise and changes your life forever, and I believe that we should not save ourselves from such a wonderful change. It's something that happened when I was back to work after enjoying lovely family vacations at Nainital...it was all fun time with family which instilled happiness in our lives and made me content and that happiness became part of me and is reflected in my aura. However, its important to recognize that you are going to have dips in your life. You are never going to be consistently perfect and happy.

One fine day at some boring place, dazzling eyes danced around me and captured all my attention, leaving me amazed. And this was just the unexpected start of one of the best kind of relationship. Another fling....I got astonished feeling and everything happened so suddenly that my brain leaned towards his demeanor to study him. A roller-coaster ride was about begin because it takes just one voice at the right pitch to start an avalanche, and that right pitch was when he said, "I'm aware of my feelings and I don't know how it happened..I'm the one who had got feelings for you...not the other way round and I'll not lie to you...if you have not been here and met me earlier I would have proposed to you, seriously, you are such a wonderful person, I admire you a lot and find you irresistible and can't stop myself from falling for you....There is nothing worst than meeting the right person at the wrong time. I really love you but I won't ask you to reciprocate the same feeling...Trust me some experiences are worst and some are even better...and I understand your reasons that's why I've so much respect for you....all I want is you to understand and respect my feelings....Trust me,I won't shatter your trust!...because this is something you have to feel by looking into my eyes and proceed...I think I have spoken enough from my end...Thanks for bringing some moments of happiness in my life...Sorry...but its your wish....because if its not today I am afraid it won't happen in future."

I was dumbstruck because of his blazing confessions and subtle passion at the same time. He left me more bewildered by saying, "...Please say something..I hope you will understand...Its fine, I completely understand how you must be feeling right now. I am not expecting anything from you...its just my feelings,some wishes and desire...I know ...it has become quite troublesome for you to decide how you want to carry things ahead ...whatever you will decide I will be equally happy in it...do as you feel like in your interest not mine...but above everything all, I wanted a good friend with whom I can speak my heart out ....I really sometimes miss that warmth you know...I'm OK with it...I'm binge sleeping since last three days so my head is getting bit heavy...but it feels good talking to you every time...I know I have so much to talk about...but right now I just want to hear from you...my mind is so still...no thoughts...no feelings...its just drowning itself in some kind of void ." I was enraged by this entanglement of his behavior and irritated by my need to listen him more and more. I was unable to understand the restlessness of my heart every time he spoke to me. I really admired him because he loved me when I couldn't love myself. I am one of those brilliant people who has always been loved and admired by people in my life, but now a days I am annoyed,its sometimes you are annoyed by yourself and no one can fix it except you,so,follow your heart, be hopeful,take time to reflect and in this reflection of yours , you may know at least that everything is your imagination or you are really tranced and need a push to look into reality.There is nothing wrong in a relationship on this planet,all you need to put your heart into it and it may become wonderful.

While sipping the coffee he glimpsed me with his side eyes, whenever I talked to him, I looked straight in his eyes just to know his sanity and to check the sincerity of his words and every time I was stupefied because I could not sense any lie or fake feeling and that's what was more disturbing....had it been little fake or fishy, I would have been saved from my sustained interest in him.Initially I thought it to be flirting and of course I know that lust is the base of flirting which is dangerous and might lead to complications,heart break or it can even push someone in depression or emotional trauma because I am not in my 20's and 30's.It was not love also;what I felt is his emotions were metamorphosed,because what we started sharing our thoughts with has been entirely changed over the time.We know it this ain't right so we provided reasons to each other.There was a security in his words, concern in his ways and with utmost hesitation, and several highs and lows ... I admitted abstractly to go with the flow in spite of being aware of the fact that we can't be together in the end, but I'm glad that he is a part of my life. I get caught in my feelings.

That's how we are here together, to have some alone time, me time, our time. We have been waiting for this alone time for so long so that we both can speak our heart out. I looked at him mesmerized and could not notice his masked feelings and indifferent look towards me, although he spoke something unusual which aroused discomfort in my feelings but I was so engrossed in just You and Me feeling that I just paid no heed to it. For me its always like if you trust someone then don't judge now and then because without trust, it's only a matter of time before the relationship crumbles.

Suddenly he broke the normal conversation into storm and in a high pitched stern tone by saying, "I know you are quite open-minded and come from a class where freaking out with a male friend of yours is not unusual, but for sure this pricks my mind, it seems that this is your way and you enjoy wandering like this and all I can guess is there must be some three four people in your life with whom you roam about to enjoy your way.What if somebody will approach me and ask the reason for being here with you, I'll say I'm innocent and you are the one who entrapped me!"

I was numbed and gaped at him....I thought him to be a boon companion and a bosom friend with whom I can confide in without putting filters and he would love me for my ways no matter what...he would scold me, be mad at me, push me away but never ever would question my dignity. I heard something from a person with whom I shared my very precious and pristine feelings and now he is the one who made my heart ache, within a fraction of second we just became strangers who knew each other too well. There's nothing left to say, so I zipped my mouth however, I asked him silently.....Are you happy now? So, to judge people is easy but to let them enjoy the moment is difficult because there are certain guidelines laid by the society for women and it is this gender who has always been judged every now and then. I am a strong woman and my strength cannot be seen. I didn't felt nice at all.

I was aware that the quench of his emotional quotient has been satisfied with the presence of someone else in his life, but never imagined that he can put such filth allegations and can label me like this so callously that will make scars which can neither be seen on my body nor erased from my heart. It became painful for me to take his plain look. I was hurt and it became impossible for me to bear the pain. I failed to recognize the person sitting next to me, as if these were the eyes who admired me madly, these were the lips who always wished sheer happiness for me and promised me never to judge me and his ways which always conveyed that they do care for me.

I drove without looking at him and after a long silence he said "You can drop me here, I can go on my own. "Despite being all in agony I said,..."Thank you for bearing with me for so long please bear with me for few more minutes, I 'll drop you near to your place."

I rebuked myself for just being in my own world full of lovely passions, trust and just because of some irrational belief of mine, that I have met a person out of the world I ended up without any sense of dignity....I wished I would have listened to someone's advice who always warned me....actual world is very brutal and you should always think twice before revealing your emotions Dear ...anyways its to late to recall this. I just wanted to look into his eyes for one last time to check the sincerity of what he labelled me but couldn't dare to do that and for this time I noticed his indifferent eyes, I turned my head away from him to restore my smile but smiles when combined with scars they are no more pristine smiles they are Fake smiles!....White Lies!....This is what he said, "I cannot pretend and make fake smiles like you." I literally wanted to scream aloud but it all went in vain. I thought it as my delusions because right now my heart needs some more time to accept what my mind already knows from last three months and hence I could not reply because I need some time to collect all pieces of my shattered feelings. I was left bereft in dilemma.

I wanted him to label something dark and grave but when I searched in my secret closet for him all I could find is pack of smiles,some compassion,few intense passion,beautiful imagination,wonderful emotions,some wishes of never-ending bliss for him,faith in his words,trust,happiness...enough of which I have shared. I took a U-turn to extend our drive just to reprimand that let us bid farewell with smiles and no hard feelings but the whole thought was ruined by my watery eyes. I had failed miserably to repress my outburst of shock.

It was a strange moment for me,what started with dazzling eyes ...its been ruined in the blink of an eye.I recalled that some where it was written wisdom knows that relationship changes with time,courage knows when its time to change the relationship...I felt this sentence incomplete....because sometimes its not about relationship its just we need someone to simply be there.Not to say anything or fix anything,but to let us know they're on our side and that they care for us.I was holding a whole lot to share and to say about all those little moments with him that I love the most, about all those little things that just made me fall in love with him more, I wanted to say that I'm falling short of words to describe how fantastic you make me feel and for all these reasons I just wanna let you go because you deserve someone better, someone who is best for you, someone who can be with you just for you forever. Irony is I really don't have that strength to give voice to these words....why to make futile efforts where he can't understand and I can't explain.

Always be careful with your words,they can only be forgiven,not forgotten....I clenched my heart and said Goodbye!...whereas my mind was tossing ...

Do I deserve a better Goodbye?

Did he really meant it all?

My mind was filled with haze!

Alas! Mirage in my heart was about to fade!