Just Moments Away From Death

Tearing countless sheets of paper, trying to pen down a suicide note,

My head ached from all the chaos, I couldn’t give a reason for this decision,

Yet I had millions of them, that I somehow couldn’t explain,

Not that I hadn’t tried to talk myself out of this, yet the calmness it promised tempted me,

I had heard that taking your own life was cowardly, but just not being able to deal with the mess wasn’t any better,

I felt exhausted as each day I dragged myself to face another day, crying my eyes out and not being able to talk,

Not because I didn’t have people, but I just didn’t know how to talk,

I had reached the threshold of bearing with a past that haunted me, and a future that was too bleak,

And the present didn’t really exist with me devising ways to end the possibility of any future that lay ahead,

I was done with being betrayed, of feeling unloved, of being on the receiving end of fake reassurances, of being on the verge of holding myself together after every blow,

There wasn’t anything to hold on to , especially something like hope, 

How high rise buildings had felt inviting , how my wrists were painted with scars , running along like a red river,

All seemed like seeing tragedy in motion, wishing desperately that I wouldn’t be the protagonist, but wishes didn’t come true,

How many times had I imagined my fall from the fourth floor of my balcony, seeing myself lying lifeless, with blood oozing out of my head,

It was my dream, the only dream that people didn’t wish for to come true but I strongly did, how peaceful it would be,

Without anyone to bother me, especially my own thoughts, this was the only thought that made me smile,

A smile that was devoid of any humour or happiness,

Death didn’t seem the end but the destination of my eternal peace,

As I looked at my balcony for one last time , and made my dream come true