Uncle Percy at the Gym

It’s been quite some time since things got back to normal around here. We’re going to school, no one wears masks anymore, and even the triplets are fully vaccinated. I have to say, we absolutely wasted the pandemic. I don’t think I did anything productive over the past few years, except for getting addicted to the internet. Well, I’m just glad we don’t have to wear masks anymore. It's been so much fun, being able to go around normally without worrying about getting sick. Anyway, uncle had been watching me and Tamara go to the gym every day for the past few weeks. Today he decided to come with us. And let me tell you things did not end well.

“Where are you two going off to again,” Aunt Maureen asked me and Tamara, watching us start the car and pull out of the driveway. “Oh we’re going to the gym,” I said. “Well good to know someone around here cares for their health,” aunt said, tossing a look at uncle over her shoulder. He was sitting knee-deep in pudding, donuts, and chips, watching reruns of last night's football game. “Why’s everyone looking at me,” he asked when he realized that he could hear the sound of his game instead of us talking at the top of our voices. “You need to be more like your nieces. These two care so much about their health they even go to the gym regularly. The only thing you do is sit around, dirtying our couch, and ranking up the electricity bill. Get off that chair, change your clothes, and go to the gym!” “Oh come on, stop kidding around. I’m the healthiest person I know,” uncle shot back at her. “Oh, I think I left my phone upstairs,” Tamara said. “Could you please go get it for me uncle?” “Sure, it’ll show someone how fit I actually am.” He started up the stairs, and by the fifth step was falling down on the stairs, gasping for air. “Yeah, you’re fit as a fiddle,” Tamara said, going up to her room to get her phone down.

I don’t know how Aunt did it, but ten minutes later, we were at the gym, with Uncle. Of course, me and Tamara had a personal trainer and we knew exactly what to do. Uncle on the other hand was totally confused. When it was just me and Tamara we always started with stretching, then a bit of Pilates, before weightlifting and finally the treadmill and stationary bike. But we couldn’t just leave uncle hanging. So we asked our trainer, Charlotte to give us a hand and help uncle out. She agreed, and before she could change her mind we were out of there and on our mats

Charlotte was no-nonsense and straight to the point. “Alright Mr. Smith, let's start with a few basic stretches. Start by separating your legs, and touching your toes. No, not your knees, your toes.” “But this is the farthest I can go,” Uncle said, straining. “Alright, let's move on,” Charlotte said, already feeling annoyed. “How many push-ups can you do,” she asked, spreading out a mat. Uncle got onto it and tried to do a push-up. Again, nothing. “Alright, that’s the ‘push’. Later we’ll work on the ‘up’.”

Meanwhile, me and Tamara were done with our warms ups and were almost through with pilates. On the pigeon stretch, she suddenly asked, “Do you think we’ll have to call an ambulance for Uncle and a therapist for Charlotte?” “I’m pretty sure we’ll need both,” I said, looking over at the bench press where uncle was trying to lift the dumbbell. Charlotte was standing in the background looking she was gonna go quit her job. She came up to help Uncle, and that’s when he accidentally dropped the dumbbell. I heard she broke her foot. I wonder if she’s okay now.

After we got medical help for Charlotte, we contemplated whether it was safe to leave uncle alone or get banned from the gym. We decided to join uncle for a yoga class. It started easy, with a few breathing exercises and basing yoga poses, until the teacher decided to take it up a notch. “Alright class, now breathe in deeply,” she started, with the same tranquility in her voice that made us think this was gonna be easy. “Now put your right toe, in your left ear.” Most of the class was expecting this. I’m guessing they were regulars. Me and Tamara did it with a little difficulty. Uncle, on the other hand, was dying. “Why do I need to use my toe, can’t I just use a cotton bud,” he cried. “Sir if you can’t do it you’re free to leave the class,” the teacher retorted. “Man you don’t need to say that twice,” he said, getting up to leave. We, of course, had no choice but to follow.

The last thing we had to do before leaving was to complete 2 miles on the treadmill, at a better speed than last time. (I was at 3 miles an hour, and Tamara at 4). Of course, neither me nor Tamara found this difficult. We just increased our speed to a quarter-mile higher than what it was last time and started off. To play safe, we put Uncle on 1 mile an hour. Sadly, even that was too fast for him. We started the machine and then went to our treadmills. Two seconds later, we heard a scream. Uncle apparently didn’t know he was supposed to walk on the treadmill, not just stand on it and fall off. So he just stood there until he got knocked off and fell. Before we get kicked out of the gym, I think it's more sensible to just go home and let uncle go back to his television. Don’t worry, we’ll find a way to deal with aunt. I hope I’ll be alive for another story!