The Painful Love

I feel so painful at times. I feel so scared to fall in love again with someone or to love and care for someone. I have developed such a negative image about love that the idea of me falling in love or loving someone scares me away. The person I loved so much, I trusted so much just never took my feelings seriously. To him, I was insane... And i was obsessed with relationships that's why I loved him. But it was not the truth. I really loved him and trusted him a lot. I could go to any extent to make him stay in my life...could sacrifice anything for him. But he never understood how much I loved him.

 I was always a bright student in my school since my childhood. But for him, thinking of him all the time i failed in my 12th preboards which I had to later recover with a lot of hard work and efforts before my boards. I couldn't crack JEE the joint entrance examination... Even in my second attempt... which I was capable enough to crack in the first attempt. It was my dream to get into the IITs or some top engineering college through JEE. But after the boards and before JEE throughout the entire 5-6 months I couldn't properly focus on my studies thinking how he would get upset as I was not having regular conversation with him.This constant overthinking about him and not focusing on my studies fetched me only an average engineering college of my state... which I know... I deserved a much better college than that. 

The person whom I loved so much, trusted so much never even valued my feelings. To him, my feelings were just childishness or maybe I was obsessed with relationships. He always took me for granted, never valued my personal space, or my goals. Even though I was preparing for one of the toughest national level examinations, just because I loved him, he expected me to be available to him all the time... which I think is abusive. He never thought about how his expectations pressurised me and made me focus less on my studies.He was well aware of my feelings towards him, he led me on ... treated me like his girlfriend... which gave me hopes that maybe he too has feelings for me. But whenever time of commitment came, he refused to commit.He wanted to talk to me... told me that he didn't like talking to everyone, but for him I didn't fall in that category.He told me that he liked talking to me. He wished me good morning, and a good night on a regular basis. On my birthdays for two consecutive years, he wished me on my birthday exactly at 12 am. He used to tell me I was different from other girls. He asked me out on a date. All this made me feel that maybe he too has feelings for me. Maybe he will commit to me. But he never committed.

He told me to remain as a friend. I didn't have any problem regarding it. But, despite of telling me just to be friends,he crossed the line of friendship ,asked several personal questions which he shouldn't have asked someone, if he would have really thought them as a friend. I later understood,that I was neither a friend nor a girlfriend to him. I was a just a girl with whom he wanted to talk to get over his loneliness feeling. It was just a part of the game or the process of him getting a girlfriend. He wanted a girlfriend, he wanted someone to go out on a date with because most of his friends had a girlfriend, but he was single. So, when I proposed him and he became aware of my feelings, he started experimenting with my feelings to see if things worked out. He flirted with me, led me on and made me feel like that he would commit. But he never committed. He just enjoyed my attention and the idea that someone fell in love with him. As he was an introvert, he never received much attention from the girls of his college. So, when I proposed him, he enjoyed the idea of someone liking him, wanting him and giving him attention. As he had no other options with him, he kept on flirting and leading me on and giving me hopes... So that this could get him more attention and a timepass girlfriend. He never understood what he did with my feelings. Later when I asked for commitment, he felt I was insane, and I was obsessed with relationships. He never understood how much serious I was with him and the relationship, how much I trusted him and loved him, how many dreams I used to see every day about our future. It was just an enjoyment for him. But this love costed me my career leading to me settling for something far lower than what I deserve, hurted my feelings, and I ruined three golden years of my career... by running behind the wrong person.

Before this love, I used to think love is beautiful, love is supportive, and love is caring. But now I realize love can be abusive and painful too. The pain that it caused me, the hurt and the damage that it caused me... led me to realize that the forever love that we see in movies and tv shows are limited to movies and fantasies only...and has no relation with the present generation relationship. Most of the present generation's relationships are casual and playful and not meant to last forever. And I am an odd one out trying to find forever love in this generation. So, yes for me falling in love in this generation is scary because I know that the "present generation forever love" will leave me one day and only the pain and grief of that loss will remain in my heart forever.....!