Veiled Scars

When I was 13, there was a boy who took new admission in our school. He was the most handsome and charming boy in our class. Many girls in our school, including me, had fallen for him. He used to look very sweet and different from others. He was a close acquaintance of my friend. And, for two days a week, we used to have third language classes... for which he used to come to our section. So, one day, our teacher called him... and asked him where his mother worked for a form to be filled up which needed some basic information. To the teacher's question, he answered that he didn't know where his mother worked. Hearing this, everyone... including the teacher herself was shocked. We thought that maybe his mother and father didn't live together due to their different job locations.

But later, through a common friend... I got to know that... his mother and father are divorced and hence they live separately. This shocked me. I used to feel very sympathetic towards him... I wanted to help him... but I couldn't ask him anything directly... because that could have hurt him. Later, as I became more sympathetic towards him... I started falling for him more. Later, one day... while stalking his profile on social media... I found both his mother's and father's profile. Then, I discovered that his mother and father had fallen in love with each other in college and later got married. But later, they got divorced when the boy was about 10-11 years old. And, then his father married again. And, that the boy lived in his house with his father, stepmother, and stepbrother who was just born then. I understood that his life was painful... but then... I was too young to understand how painful it could really be...how deep it could go and pierce someone's heart. Despite all the girls falling for him for his handsome and charming looks, he used to take these things very casually. He didn't believe in marriage. He used to say that he would remain a bachelor throughout his life and would enjoy his life with multiple girls. He loved to enjoy the attention he used to get from girls but never really wanted to love anyone. This guy studied in our school for only a year. Similar to all girls, when he came to know his feelings for me... he also took my feelings casually and made fun, which I later got to know from a friend of mine after he had left school. When I came to know all this, this guy had already left our school... and there was no contact with him. But..after hearing all these... he got lowered in my eyes... in terms of values, and ethics. I used to dislike the idea of "liking him". He was my first teenage love. Although I didn't imagine any future with him... still I got hurt... when I got to know that.. he enjoyed my attention intentionally despite being aware of the fact that I had feelings for him. He could have distanced himself from me when he became aware... so that my feelings didn't develop further... but he didn't do that. I was disappointed with this guy after this.

 After this...almost 7 years passed. In between I had fallen in love with another person with whom I had spent 3 years of my life only to realize that someone else was already in his life... and I was just an option to him. And, this love was not that teenage love... I fell in this love... when I was an adult. So, obviously... my love for this guy was much deeper and pure than for the guy I had fallen for in my teenage. I even imagined a future with this guy... only to realize that I was nothing to him... but just a substitute for the person whom he really loved and wanted. I left his life silently... but my heart couldn't accept the truth... that the person who gave me all the reasons to see a future with him... was never mine... he was somebody else's... and I was just a time pass to him. I remained depressed for almost 6 months. After that, I came back to normal life... after accepting the hard fact that... love is hard to be found in this world. After recovering from the depression, I started getting out... mixing with new people...dressing up. I was then in college and was somewhat attractive. Many guys in my college used to like me, many showed interest in me... but deep inside... I knew... that nobody genuinely loved me. It was all because of my looks , career or behaviour. It had everything to do with me and nothing to do with them. And so, despite many guys falling for me... I couldn't fall for anybody. Because, I used to feel.. that no matter how many guys loved me for my looks... nobody or very few would really love me... when they will get to know how much broken I am from within... or how much pain I am in. I started understanding that, no matter how much people claim to love you... people never want to be part of your sadness or pain. You have to handle all your pain on your own. 

Amongst these understanding of love and attraction, one day I again came across that teenage love of mine.....that guy's mom's profile on social media. I started stalking her again. out of interest. But, to my surprise, my perspective of her life changed so much. Previously, I used to think that she had a happy, prosperous, rich lifestyle. But... now, I understand that there was nothing in her life despite her being rich. After getting betrayed by the person with whom I dreamt of a future, I now understood the amount of pain she felt when she had to separate her life from someone she loved so much... and even though they had a child... still there was nothing left in between them to save the marriage. And even though, the guy's father got married to another woman after the divorce and he even had a child with the other woman... but his mother... never married anyone again. She spent her life taking care of her son and with the memories of his father.... whose life had no place for her... who was married to someone else.

And even though, I was disappointed with this guy... 7 years back. Now, 7 years later, I understand... what he went through... and why he used to take feelings so casually. I understood why he never wanted to get loved by someone despite so many people falling for him. He knew that most people fell in love with him for his looks, but maybe very few would have stayed after knowing what happened in his life. And, being just a 13 year old... it was very tough for him... to tackle the things that he went through. I now understand, why he acted that way as if he didn't care about anyone's feelings. Being, a 13 year old... it's very natural to act that way... especially when he came from a broken family... it was very natural to not be mature enough to know that it was wrong to play with people's feelings. As he saw, his mother's feelings went unnoticed in the eyes of his father, so he used to think that the world is like that... and that feelings should never be valued. I now understand how many scars he had veiled inside his heart at such a young age. Being a 21-year-old, I no longer feel disappointed for him. But now, I understand that it was not his fault that he acted that way. His life experiences shaped him that way... that he took emotions playfully. 7 years passed, and I never met that guy again. But, now... I don't know... if his mentality toward love changed or has remained the same. I just hope that wherever he is... may his scars get healed... and may he start seeing how beautiful life and love are... despite of the dark pasts of his life.