An Unsend Letter

5:30 am, 24th December

"I know she will say yes, I am sure, she will...she has to say...okay, but if she says no? But why will she? No, no she won't. I love her and I am sure no one can love her more than I do. But does she love me? But why wouldn't she?? "...

I was talking to a coward and pessimist Shivam who was standing inside the mirror, but actually I was baffled by my own doubts trap... My heart and mind battled against each other as hundreds of different thoughts flooded me. I wanted to scream out my love for Siya but I couldn't...  Every time when she comes close to me... I don't know why but the words kept getting caught in my throat... life sucks.

But idiot, if this will continue... someone might propose her and you just keep on finding millions of ways just to say three words... I tried to raise my confidence but still, fear was surrounding me...

I started speaking in a louder voice, "Com' on Shivam, you can, don't be scared..." "Com' on Shivu... this time I screamed louder to boost up myself..."

"Shivam, beta tu akhela nhi rehta yaha (Shivam, you aren't living here alone) what happened so early in the morning... sleep and let us sleep, idiot..." Maa started scolding me.

"Sorry maa..." I replied

I again stood up in front of the mirror and started my rehearsal...

"Hii Siya, how are you? You know, you are the most beautiful girl I have ever met!" What rubbish is this?! It's fucking outdated Shivam... Think something new but what, what, what...

Try again...okay... "Hello, Siya! Good morning... you know today is gonna be a more special day for me as it started with you"...

No..no...nooo, Not like this. It seems that I am flirting...something else.

I now gave up and went inside my blanket because it was too cold and I couldn't stand still outside anymore...

 What - what - what... I kept on thinking the way to tell her what I feel.... my mind lit up then and I switched to google..." how people propose in the 90s" and taped on the search icon. A page had opened, I checked all the ways but not satisfied yet... so I switched to the next idea instead of searching on google...

(After 30 min of thinking)

 Yes, I'll write a letter and will send it to Siya tomorrow. On the eve of Christmas...yes perfect Shivam....nice ha.

Suddenly then a voice from inside told me, "it's outdated too" but still a better option for an introvert like you...

I know I can't say, so I decided this... ok na, I replied to myself...

Inside voice:- write something which melts her, go and write... all the best.

I took a white sheet and a black pen and started writing...

Hii Siya,

     

Wish you a Merry Christmas.

May Jesus bring lots of happiness in your life and may Santa fill your lap with a bunch of chocolates and amazing gifts.

Siya... on the eve of Christmas, I want to confess something. I don't know how you will react when you read this but now I can't hold this in my heart anymore. I never talked to any girl before you. You're the first girl with whom I talked, the first with whom I dared to share all my feelings but I never knew you'll be that girl with whom I would love to spend my whole life...

Before writing this letter i thought thousands of times, should I write this? Because I was afraid of losing you but now I can't carry this secret with me... I am shy, introverted so I never revealed my feelings in front of you, and yaa I heard its better to pen down your feelings when you have a lot to say...

I wasn't familiar with this feeling before and never expected from me that I'll ever knock the door of this world, but see I am on the doorstep and want to enter here every day...

Siya, I never tasted this feeling of love but now I taste it every day. When I see you, when I hear you and everything you do makes me fall more in love. Sometimes I smile, sometimes I blush and often talk to myself... 

For the world, I am mad but if this is madness then I would love to be mad always... Siya, things aren't the same as it used to be... I often do activities that I never did. I couldn't understand yet when you became so special to me? And as time passed away, you became more and more special to me, so now I stop thinking why and how?!...

You are the gift I always wanted to have. I was finding the reason to live but the day I met you I stopped finding anything else... Siya, I tried to stay away from you but every time when you pass, I couldn't control to step ahead towards you. I tried to forget you but my heart wants to retain you forever in my life...

Sometimes when I can't bear to stay away from you, I often call you and hang up because I afraid what will you say? I remember the first time when I called you, as the ringing started, I could hear my palpation and when you said "hello" I hung up because again words were stuck in my throat... Every time when I close my eyes, I see your hair falling on your face, I want to get lost in it, your eyes have too much depth that sometimes I'm afraid of looking at you because I will drown in those beautiful eyes...

 Hey Siya, at the end of this I just want to say that I love you soooo much and will you now dare to spend your life with this introvert?? I'll be waiting for your answer..."

I folded it and put it in my pocket... tomorrow I will give her...

The next morning, I texted her to meet me at church in the evening around 5:30 pm... I have to give you something... bbyee

(5:30 pm at church)

I was waiting there and beholding the amazing decoration there...how pretty it was... "MERRY CHRISTMAS," it was written on the church building... Siya was not there till that time so I bought a bouquet and put the letter in that bouquet...

I was moving my head around to see her and suddenly I saw her but she was with someone... I stared at them... Siya shook hands with him,(it was ok, he might be her friend) but then they hugged and now Siya looked at me and waved, "hi Shivam..."

I took out the letter from the bouquet and kept in my pocket...

"Hello Siya, Merry Christmas and this is for you, I greeted her and gave the bouquet.

"Hii, Merry Christmas and meet my friend Kashish..." She introduced him.

"Hello, brother. Merry Christmas."

"By the way, are you guys just friends?" I shouldn't have asked but I asked.

 

"No, he is my closest one and I love him so much... Siya happily replied..."

 I crushed the letter in my pocket and excused myself from them...

" Hey! Where are you going?" Siya screamed.

"I got an emergency call,you guys enjoy"; saying that I went off... I threw my letter away in a dustbin, wiped up my tears and went off...

 "MERRY CHRISTMAS" Siya and thank you for this gift.