Reason For My Life (Ch 1)

I have always dreamt of leading a harmonious life. I want a life where there is no place for any trauma but, that is too much to ask. I know that if not today then, maybe tomorrow. I would regret that resolution of mine. Life needs to be a tough test to crack. You have to experience that feeling in the life of being betrayed or sequestered. It's hard to be in that situation but, that's learning. In this process, one will attain enlightenment. In the 25 years of my life, I have seen all that. I have had seen a lot of people judging me on and on and on. I know that 25 years isn't a big deal. Well, for all those who think that way, all I've got to say is age doesn't determine your experience. 

Today, this very moment when my fingers are typing out the words, my heart is pounding out words and, my mind is screening for memories. I am not like Anne Frank and, she can never be me either. Because I am distinctive and, so are you and the 7 billion people in the globe. I don't know where to start and, I've got a lot more to live. But, I've got a lot more to write, to dream and, to aspire.

My birth was ultimately the only complication in my life. People were pleased to know that I was about to be born. I slept closely in the arms of my maternal grandfather. He lovingly looked into my eyes and, I giggled all the while. My dad used to say that my grandfather was as strong and sturdy as a banyan tree, both physically and mentally. He was dark, tall and, his eyes were dark brown. Dad said that he was one of the most handsome, educated, kind-hearted men he had ever met. My grandfather worked in a patent office and was an intelligent yet considerable guy. He was blessed with grace, luck, beauty, and wisdom topped with a glaze of golden heart. He was capable of heights but wanted my grandma to touch heights in her career. 

Grandma used to say that he supported women's independence and empowerment. I have lived my whole life with the only objective of being someone as great as my grandfather.

I lived my life just listening to the verbal portrait of my grandfather from my dad and my grandma. I never got to see him in person and tell him how much I love him and aspire to be someone like him. I wanted to do a namaskar by touching his feet and telling him that I lived my entire life by imagining that he was by my side all that while. His tears and mine would mix and give a feeling of happiness and contentment but, that would never happen. 

I used to sit by my window sill and moan in silence. I do this whenever I feel sad or guilty or when I am isolated. The word isolated is customary in my life. Detaching myself from my family, especially my mom, is what I do all the time. I have a few friends but, I don't feel to trust them at all. They're good friends, but I have got nothing to give them. Neither affection nor be trustworthy because I am deprived of any care from my family, so I've got nothing extra to confer.

As I've already told you, my birth was my biggest curse. Let me get it straight. It was raining heavily at the time of my birth. I was born by 8:09 pm. I know it accurately because, by 8:14 pm, my grandfather was in the ICU. He was a healthy and sturdy man. He was neither a diabetic nor had high cholesterol or blood pressure levels. He had a cardiac arrest which is a pretty awkward situation for a fitness freak like my grandfather. I barely got 3 mins or so to spend with my grandad and, his pure soul retired from this immortal monetary world.

Dad was beholding me in his arms. 

Grandma couldn't resist her tears. He was her soul. It was hard for her to accept the truth and abide by the rules of nature. She couldn't move her eyes at anything. Her mind and her soul felt like they had no meaning in life. She sat by his corpse and looked into his closed eyes with melancholy and anger. 

" You shouldn't have abandoned me. You shouldn't have!!" cried my grandma and started hitting her forehead against the wall. My dad pulled her aside and comforted her with a cup of water. She went on wailing and crying for hours and hours and fainted. Dad and mom took her over to a hospital. They injected some glucose doses and allowed her to rest. By the time my grandma started getting better, my grandad was already cremated. 

" Prathap, where are you." cried my grandma and tried to get up from her bed but, her body didn't support her in this movement. She wailed loudly for the entire hospital to hear her calling grandfather and, the whole scenario horrified my mother. She didn't want to lose another relation so, she took the job of comforting my grandma. She has put her mother's hands in hers and looked into her eyes. She tried to look strong but, she couldn't accept the harsh reality. But, she had to do this, at least for her mother. 

"See, God has a reason behind everything. I know this has been a hard one to digest but, what can we do. I didn't want to lose my father this soon. He was my light and my guide. As for you, he was your reason to live, your motivation, and your success. I have already lost my heart, don't make me lose my soul as well. I need you mom, I cannot afford to lose you." cried, mom. She tried so hard to control her feelings but, she couldn't help it.

I can understand your confusion dear, readers. I did not understand what was going on then because I was just a day old. But, I happened to sneak into my dad's diary and got to read all the things that happened in the first few hours of my life. I did that when I was 5 or 6. I don't remember when I did that, but that incident of my grandfather dying and his last few hours are a part of my virtual memory. I used to climb upon the terrace plank and sit there to recollect all that would have happened right after he died, especially during his death anniversaries. Though I have never met him, I have somehow developed a strong bond with him. I have admired him like no other. I have respected him like no other. He is a part of my life and, some find it weird and, some find it crazy and bizarre. But I know that my relationship with him is just bonded with more care and affection. There is nothing weird in front of true emotions which, I have for my grandfather.

Back then, after consoling my grandma. My mother looked at me. Her looks assured me that she looked at me with hatred and not love. She had loved me when I was a part of her and, now she hated me? Yes, she did. Maybe because she thought that my birth was very inauspicious to the family. But what did I do?

Why did she think like that about me?

Why?

Psst:- To know more, stay tuned.

Because there is a lot of reality yet left to see.