Lemon-Lacquer

The man in the middle of the road had been howling at all the cabs whizzing past for the better part of an hour, to the great amusement of the shopkeepers lining the crowded city street. They had observed the steady rage-induced reddening of his swollen cheeks, but it still came as a surprise when he flung himself into the oncoming traffic. The unlucky yellow car screeched to a halt, just inches away, giving him the opportunity to shove his considerable girth within.

"What's the matter with you?", barked the woman in the driver's seat.

"Drive, drive, drive!", he panted, shoving his mobile phone into her face.

She stared rather blankly at the location.

"Sorry, no can do."

"But-what do you mean?" he blustered, then regained some of his composure. "I'm Officer Santosh, Head of the Heathrow City Police Department, and I order you to take me to the scene of this crime."

The woman just rolled her eyes, as her hands tightened along the wheel. "Sure, sure. And I'm Captain John Watson", she quipped, "Head of the 5th Northumberland Fusiliers. 4 years on the wheel, and you think I haven't heard that one before?".

The portly gentleman sputtered "You- You don't believe me? I'm a cop, I promise. Just get me where I want to go!"

"Not so fast" she tutted "Where's your police badge. ID? Even driver's license? You expect me to believe that you have no proof of identity? My god," she sighed, "What has this city come to?"

"Just get me there!"

A minute stretched by before she deigned to answer.

"Impatience is unbecoming of public officials, officer." she added in a mocking tone. "Never mind that though. Anyways, if you could stop whining for just one minute, perhaps you would have noticed we have already arrived."

The portly officer begrudgingly thanked her, before paying the woman what seemed to be an exorbitantly large price for a 5 minute cab ride.

His assistant sidled up to him, mischievous grin upon his face. "A new lady friend sir?"

He scoffed "Nothing of the sort. Just the taxi driver."

"Interesting…" the assistant tittered, "I had no idea today's cabbies are driving the latest lemon-lacquered model from Mercedes-Benz"

It took Officer Santosh roughly 4 seconds for the realisation sink in, before he rushed back into the crowded street, only to find the cheeky civilian was long gone.