A Begginers Guide to Baking

Hi! I’m Maxine. And I’d love to tell you a story. It’s about what happened when my best friend, Zack, tried to bake a cake for my birthday. If you don’t like to laugh, then this isn’t a place for you. Because Zack, oh he is one big doofus. So anyway if you’ve chosen to stay with me, then get ready to have a laugh attack. So let’s go!

 “Hey, mom! Do you think Maxine would like a red velvet cake or a chocolate cake,” Zack asked his mom from the kitchen, where he was baking my cake. “You know honey,” Mrs. Martin (his mom) said, “I think she would like it if you would actually make a decent cake for her, rather than experimenting with different types of cakes each time you nearly set our house on fire.” She gestured to the three other smoldering cakes in the dustbin.

 “Yeah, yeah whatever. Mom, this is Maxine’s thirteenth birthday. You have no idea how much this means to her, and (from the way she has hyped it,) me.” 

“Fine. Go ahead with the red velvet cake,” Mrs. Martin finally gave in.

 “Ok! You won’t regret it.”

 Five minutes later, Zack shouted from the kitchen, “Mom! How do you make red velvet cake?” “I knew this would happen,” Mrs. Martin groaned under her breath. “I’m coming, Zack!” She reached the kitchen and screamed, “Zack what did you do?” She was screaming at Zack’s attempt to make a sugar frosting picture of me to go on the cake. “What? I told you, its Maxine’s milestone birthday. It’s gotta be special.” “Ok. Let’s analyze this picture. Maxine has light brown hair, not black. She does not have blue eyes, her eyes are brown. She does not have cheekbones, and she is definitely not that thin. So there. You wanna give her a heart attack with that picture, go ahead and put it on the cake.”

 “If you’re so full of criticism, why don’t you make the sugar sheet yourselves?

 “Fine, I’ll just go to the bakery and get it done. Till then, try not to burn down the house, and use a real tutorial when you bake,” and off she went.

When Mrs. Martin returned from the bakery, it was her turn to have a heart attack. The kitchen was a disaster, and so was Zack. The cake was smoldering like it’s three predecessors, the cream cheese was all over the floor, the whipped cream was in Zack’s face and everything was coated with a layer of powdered sugar and red velvet cake crumbs. Mrs. Martin rushed into the kitchen, but not to Zack. She bolted straight past him and ran to the mess behind. “Wha

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t happened to my kitchen?” 

“Mom, shouldn’t you be asking what happened to me?” 

“No, I’ve seen it in three different flavors before this. The kitchen is something new. How did you go this far? And did you use all of the cream cheese?”

“Seriously, mom? I’m covered in food coloring, whipped cream, and sugar, and all you can think of is whether there is any cream cheese left? And, yes, there is enough to make a fresh batch of frosting.”

“I don’t care about your frosting. I care about the fact that you have to be at Maxine’s house in one hour, and you don’t have the cake ready. So much for her big hype for the birthday.” 

“Oh no! Mom, what am I gonna do?”

“Don’t worry, I assumed you would create a disaster, as always. I mean, you got a hank of hair in the butterscotch cake you tried to make. So, I got a bakery to make us a cake. And just in case you didn’t want that, I got one of those cake mixes. Its red velvet, and it will take only an hour to make. So you can either spend one hour doing nothing, or you can create a disaster by trying to make the cake on your own. Either way, it’s the store-bought cake that Maxine’s gonna get.”

 

“I think I’m gonna go with the cake mix. But you’ll have to make the frosting. And for heaven’s sake mom, tie your hair before you make it, or there’s going to be enough hair in there to stuff a sofa.”

“Fine, fine! From the way you’re speaking, you’d still be unhappy if I put a hairnet on.”

“Hey, that’s a pretty good idea.” 

“Forget that I gave you that option.”

“Kay, mom. But, how on earth do you make these sorts of cakes?”

“The same way as the instructions say.”

After an hour, the result was decent but not good enough to serve as a birthday cake. The cake was ok, but the frosting had more hair in it than frosting. “Mom! I told you to wear a hairnet. It’s time to go, and we don’t have anything ready.” Mrs. Martin frowned. Zack went on. “This time, I have the backup,” he said and pulled out a batch of frosting. The cake had been salvaged!

And that’s my story. Boy, I can’t believe how much effort it took him just to make me a cake. And the poor guy’s effort was wasted. You wanna know why? Because my mom both baked me a cake and bought me one. So five cakes and five hours’ worth of Zack’s effort was wasted. Yikes! The cake I’m making for his thirteenth birthday has been in the oven for too long. Bye!