Vaccination Challenge

There was a pin drop silence at the meeting. The mighty emperor with or without clothes depending on your ability to see things which in turn depended on whether you are saffron blind or colour blind had just raised a many billion dollars question. He had asked, “does anyone have even a rudimentary plan as to how we are going to vaccinate some 1.4 billion people in the country?”

To give a background, we are talking of the Empire Vishawaguru that was earlier called Bharata, Hindustan, India that has a spread from the tip of Kanyakumari in the south to the mighty Himalaya mountain in the north; and from the Rann of Kutch in the west to the seven sisters in the far east.

Some smart Alex had posed a question a few days earlier can the empire shell out some 600,000 million rupees for the vaccines that were required to inoculate its masses, not discounting the fact that the masses have turned into asses on the 30th September 2020 due to a certain verdict.

The Minister for Health is Wealth, cleared his throat and asked meekly “so far we have been talking of the 1.3 billion asses, sorry, masses. Now how did the additional 0.1 billion get added?

The Minister for Lies, Damn lies, Statistics and Modified Speech jumped from his seat and intervened “elementary dear, by the time the vaccine gets ready our empire would add on the conservative estimate additional 0.1 billion asses, sorry, masses.”

Minister for single track, double track minded railways shot out with the speed of the proposed bullet train “I for one would dedicate special trains called “Vaccine Trains” and ensure that vaccines are taken to every nook and corner of the country.”

The Minister in Waiting for the Emperor’s Throne humbly stated “whatever the strategy, the first vaccination has to be for you Oh! Emperor under media coverage, which would be a media spectacle of the decade and a huge inspiration for the countrymen.” The Minister for Fake News Broadcasting seconded the proposal.

The Minister for Industries and Commerce chipped in that the vaccine production must be left to the ‘Jio Bros’ which would save the government from raising capital and the embarrassment of selling public sector units; anyway, the elder of the Bros is unmatched in raising resources and would give him the opportunity to become the richest man on the globe. What a proud moment that would be?”

The Minister for Vedic Science and Retro-Technology suggested that if the vaccine could be cloud seeded then we can piggy ride on the monsoon. He added that he had just finished reading the book “Chasing the Monsoon” and the monsoon covers a large part of India from Kerala to Chirapunjee. There was a chorus of protest. Not that god damned little country and they would yet walk away with all the laurels.

Then the Minister of Defence, who was always unsure of the seating arrangement that followed the pecking order cleared his throat. “We should be cautious about piggy riding on monsoon. Our big neighbour has well-developed space technology to hijack the monsoon and the monsoonal benefits may not reach our country should the neighbour so wish.”

The emperor nodded his head respectfully. If the monsoon is hijacked, he cannot pretend otherwise like he has done so when the neighbours have chosen to redraw the maps and claimed a few inches here and there. So what he still has some good 56 inches.

The Minister for Information and Technology mused aloud, “If we can make a vaccine, like a virus itself, we can then electronically transmit the vaccine and we can even enlist regular hackers to undertake the task. Yet again Jio Bros can do the job effectively.”

The Minister of Finance who had described the ruined economic condition as an Act of God and thus saved the emperor from becoming full Monty opined that why not repeat demonetisation, this time of Rs 2000. This would make people rush to the banks to form the queue and then we could vaccinate them.

The Minister of Water Resources suggested that if the vaccine could be made water-soluble then it could be mixed in all the water reservoirs and when the people drink this water, they would get vaccinated. Gain without pain he concluded. There was a round of applause for this ingenious solution.

The emperor was mighty pleased. He said “We have received a lot of suggestions. I am going to declare that Viswaguru, our great nation would become COVID free by 15th August 2022. Then the minutes of this meeting can be press released. This would keep the opposition, liberals busy writing articles and organizing protests and so on. We will carry on business as usual. Gods are there to save the nation.”

That night at 9 pm the emperor wound up his short speech with a promise that should the promise he has avowed on his beard not be fulfilled he would shave his beard on the august day.

Speculation was rife in the social media as to whether the emperor would take the atmanirbar route or would depend on his officially appointed barber. Others speculated if he is planning to go the way of other bearded gurus and become a Viswaguru himself once the COVID is rid of.

It was left to the opposition and liberal newspapers to slam and protest against the cabinet meeting minutes. A catchy headline in a newspaper stated: “A new low in high-level cabinet meet” to describe the discussion that had taken place.