The Conflicted Me

Surely I wish to be a good person loveable to all. Being loved is a miracle and God's gift. When you are loved by your parents you are loved by all. Parents love is unconditional and pure. I failed to understand their love. They have done everything for me and yet I fail to feel that love. Maybe it's my constitutional being. I still continue to lament and keep complaining that they don't love me. Why can't I just keep believing that they love me with all their heart? Their anger towards me is also an expression of love. I have to keep improving myself so that the anger melts away. I have been a rude and arrogant person all my life. My dad used to call me as selfish. He felt I was always thinking about my dreams and myself. He did not approve of me studying all the time. Though when I got upset sometines he made efforts to boost my morale. He said remember all the achievements you have had in life till date and move forward

. When I would be studying he would often prepare tea and give it to me like an energy drink. My mother though supported me and my dreams openly and boldly.When I secured a rank in CBSE premedical test my mother was the happiest. My dad did not express much though he advised me to opt for BDS in Jaipur instead of MBBS which I did not agree to. After that, he did not like when I asked him. My dad always felt I did not give him the respect he deserved and I was just not able to talk to him. I was too afraid and sometimes angry at him for the extremely difficult personality he had. I had tremendous respect for him but I could never express it the way it has to be. When he was happy he was very easy going and when he was angry he was a tornado.

He silently moved into the house and just listened to each and every conversation very sensitively. I used to chatter a lot with my mother which he never liked and showed anger in his eyes. He did not like it when I started to learn driving though he was the one who helped me get the learners license and he was the one who would accompany me in the driving classes. Overall I felt he had lot of anger for me. I was close to my nani and maternal relatives which also made him very angry maybe because I was very vocal with my nani and very silent with my dad. After he left us in 2001 all his anger got transferred to the family and after that for some or the other reason everyone was angry. My father's anger for me just took over my life ever since and I could not do things that made him angry ever after however baseless his anger was. And I was angry at myself for letting this happen to me. That's how I became a "conflicted me" from a "sorted me."