srikrishna cn

Abstract Romance Tragedy

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srikrishna cn

Abstract Romance Tragedy

Navarathri Diaries- DAY 9- THE PINK TEDDY BEAR

Navarathri Diaries- DAY 9- THE PINK TEDDY BEAR

12 mins
159


The smell of the hospital beds and the scent of medicines turned more familiar and frequent for my olfactory glands- in short, my nose. it's been a week and I am stuck in the hospital for no specific reason. just tests and repeated MRI’S, nurses drawing blood from my hand like leeches giving a pleasant look that too in a dark tone and my parents for what so freaking reason fervently anxious for my each blood test result as if they have given any examination and awaiting a result for it. Anyway no one is going to scold them because they are parents. they would only scold their children for any reason which they consider it as a mistake. it's like a genetic trauma that is passed over by generations. first my mentally sick grandparents must have scolded them and now they are turning and barking at us for their nuisance. right, there a flower in a dark forest, my fiancée who is also quite depressed and at the same time curious for my results. I don't know what the hell is the hospital management going to do with my body. they have already taken three blood test and still there is no result for it. what are they actually seeking for? a patient in me? are they searching any disease within my body?. "Urgh this is getting irritating now. The nurses too are bored of seeing my face and dripping and stretching IVS on me. when the hell will they release the result?...


Just then when I was about to yell at my parents for testing my patience, A handsome familiar doctor entered the room along with a nurse, whose eyes are just glued to the file nervously. three test reports, so much of scans. result? that's what I am asking for? A positive sign of result in my body. For the past two months, I have experienced severe body aches, rashes, unexplainable joint aches and repeated series of fevers. Even I am also scared about this. I had been inflicted or I can say affected like this before, At that time, it turned out to be Malaria. But now, everyone’s face turned glum and serious. No one wanted to share anything about me, in fact even I am also nervous as too what they were planning to say on my condition. The doctor turned his face on me with a sad look. He looked a kinda related to me somewhere in my past, may be any childhood friend. Just then when my mind was wobbled with these thoughts, the doctor who had a badge on his coat, Dr. Nitin, he exploded a bomb to my parents my boyfriend’s family and to me. “Ms. Keerthana is not fine now, she has a third stage incurable case of Leukaemia, its’s a normal type of variant on her, it is I can say, eating and growing on her blood cells, particularly on her RBC’S WBC’S and so, that is causing her to feel fatigue, get affected by infection in often times and the symptoms just point that she is inflicted and diagnosed with Blood cancer. Her survival rate is pretty low- its less than 30-40% and I can’t assure hope on a long life. But if you wish to prolong her life to one year completely in hospitalization, then she might …”.

I can’t say anything now, my parents Anuradha and Mahesh, my fiancée Hardik, all are in shock. My in laws turned dumb after hearing this and I my world started crumbling, I cant speak anything. Words weren’t coming from my mouth. Eyes were flogged with tears and emotions are in a roller coaster. I can’t even imagine to live a life in cancer. I started mumbling within myself that there is no hope, there is no good ever exist in this world. My mind suddenly turned philosophical. I don’t know how to react this after the doctor described my medical condition. My time, life froze to nothing. I can feel it. I saw the doctor’s face. He was looking worried and his eyes too were blocked with tears, yet unlike the other people in the room, he was careful in expressing his inner conflict. He suddenly turned his face towards the other side and tried to wipe his endless crying face. He looked genuinely worried for me. But why? In fact, his worry looked more natural and caring for me. I don’t know how to express his emotion into words. My parents consented to give a shot on the medical technology and soon the therapies began. I decided not to have too much hope on living and just die peacefully after this without any hiatus. My so-called relatives visited me and their sympathies for me exploded like a river. There were just calling me lovingly with my nick name Keerthu and just suddenly out of the blue pampered me like anything. I was stone to everyone, even to myself. I refuted to eat sleep or anything, even though my energy was draining from my body through blood and cancer. I was a book editor in a novel publishing company and I had a dream of writing my own book and publicising it everywhere all around the world in the nook and corner, to title my work of fiction as the best seller ever written. Though I tried every time to write or start anything to express my emotion, it failed. Not because, my efforts weren’t enough. But the topics or the genre I wasn’t specialised on that. I don’t know which genre is suitable on me. I had tried to publish my work on each genre through my working company, but it seems even I am not even satisfied with my own book product. All fictions except self-help and biopics, I have written shit. But none of them worked. So, the remaining two, I hate them and deem them to be boring, preachy and advisory guides. What would I learn from other’s life? Why should I learn from other people, their school memories, their past life, their marriage and what are all the failures they faced in their life? How could they remember so many things just in case, because I can’t remember the face of the nurse who injected an antibiotic supplement on me yesterday. Anyway, I don’t need someone to inspire me. I myself should pose as an inspiration to others,


Two weeks passed by in the hospital beds with no signs of improvement in my body condition, at that time, the doctor whom I spoke before brought me a pink teddy bear which I used to hug while sleeping in my home. He told me that he had brought it from my home. Since my parents had quite a tough time handling the medical expenses, they were in a toil to screw so much money at once from my rich relatives. My flower fiancée, he just opened himself to me his family’s opinion on my life and disease. Hardik looked least bothered or I can’t say less caring on me. I guess he would have thought, ok she is going to die anyway soon, why my family should waste their time and energy on a dying girl’s family. Such a self -centred family, I have never seen before, even worse than my relatives. At least they had shown me their fake concern, but his family just left the room abruptly with no sign of care and kindness. Just remorse of going to accept a cancer patient as their future daughter in law. I just liberated him from our relationship that’s never going to see some fruitful future and a wife factor in me. He looked happy after our breakup and leaved the room along with his guilt of not going to take care of me in my last days. The doctor in specs, pointed me a letter tied with the pink teddy bear. As he left the room leaving me curious, I soon opened it in his absence even though I felt that he is standing somewhere behind a wall gazing at my actions. The letter with a heart and a photo. Named Keerthana with marker on my younger self and Nitin on other boy standing beside me in a school dance competition. My suspicion turned right, I knew, he must be that geeky nerd, I have learnt him from school, wow, I said and a handwritten note was also there behind the phot. It was him who had written this. “ I don’t want to sympathise you and neither you wanted anyone to do this to you and your family, even If you don’t have a longer life, leave something to me so that I can remember you for the rest of my longer life.” The note ended and I turned crybaby. I am speechless by his impactful message on me to survive and hope in these toughest times. Everyone were pitying me because they always wanted something bad to happen to me and my family so that they can whine and cry about us, to look down on us. This message actually made me to run a relay race or ride a bike to a hill station, but neither of them I can’t do right now, because now, my anaemia in blood is turning worse, I am fitted with masks and tubes connected to a ventilators that are even larger than my nose and face. My senses are losing gradually and I realised that I should do something from here so that I can leave a long lasting impact on people around me.


The next day when my parents came there with a bunch of scans and test reports to share with, Nitin barged in again and was explaining them the growth in my responses after yesterday’s shock. I was quite surprised to feel like that and I asked my mom, to bring my writer’s laptop from home. She gave me a confusing look. Yet my mother turned in my to my so called last wishes. She brought it and I started writing my own feelings as words. I am stuck in the hospital bed all day long and I decided that only book or thought I can think of now is me only. So I started to share my thoughts on this despite my failing body aches, I decided to give a shot on my writing work. Nitin stood beside me as a true friend and I am also writing about him in this book. Days again passed by, my body turned thinner and leaner, my parents face grew more wrinkled and glummer in sadness. But they were happy for me that I am getting my mind distracted to a good stuff that can actually improve my psychological condition right now. The right stuff to bring hope and a beacon of survival chance to live a long life to see my parents until their death and to have a good marriage, a successful a posh wealthy and a healthy life caring for others and for my self.

Chemotherapy and Radiotherapy were on the swing and Nitin advised some work staff to take care of my work stuff. He is actually the last good human being who loved and cared me after my death and this time I will remember this. I narrated all sorts of incidents in my life- right from the beginning, my grand parents who were quite unsatisfied with a girl child birth an my parents preventing a crime of foeticide on me, the child marriage attempt they posed on me and how my parents saved me from that too and we all landed Mumbai in an escape attempt from them. Except my grandparents everyone came here- my aunt uncle their family, their brothers sisters and more people from my workplace for which I had used this chance or moment as a good idea of getting my work published by them officially, requesting them that this is my last wish, for which they had to contemplate a yes to look more humane in my eyes. Days even more passed and my body went through some more horrifying medical procedures to survive. Nitin also supported my treatment from his side and collected funds for my incurable disease treatment. He was gaining more respect in my view and in my parents point of view and I am grateful to god for sending a saviour like this in my last moments. I was in the verge of completing my life story where I attempted to be as realistic as possible and put for the my maximum efforts in writing a 200 page novel for which I am perplexed to give an ending and a title. The week before my critical operation, I cant even my edit my work properly, give chapters, pages to it and the ending I had completed it with a twist revealing the title for the editors in the end, so that they wont jumble their own theories on that. I felt quite relieved on my existence and the satisfaction of achieving a life long dream was the soothing medicine to my troubled life journey. From the gender discrimination to work place harassment to career choosing, a failed alliance, a failed life , my life as a women felt more like a sore and pricky than smooth pathed life that everyone desired. But despite these challenges, I am feeling proud because in a society that is more male oriented and dominated, I feel so prideful of being born as a girl because surviving the disease wasn’t difficult for me. Survival as a women in this misogynistic society was hard for me to think of. I title the book as The PINK TEDDY BEAR- my favourite colour pink which symbolises feminism and equality for women out there. And in this 200-page novel, I had mentioned that who is that teddy bear for me in my life, can you guess it whom? It’s not my parents, my family or my ex-boyfriend. It’s someone who would read this work after my death. The operation failed and he walked outside with blood drenched gloves in his hands informing my parents the news of my grieving death. The attempt to remove the myoma from my body failed and I just liberated in the air like a soul after that.

The rainy day turned even more darker in tone when everyone were there in Keerthana’s funeral. Her office colleagues gave her first and last published official work to Nitin who couldn’t control his tears coming from his eyes. He had actually been reading the part of the whole novel mentioned above , from the chapter of her birth till death now. In the end, she had noted that she loved the pink teddy bear the most in her life than anyone and wished that someday in some other life they can have a happy ending for them. Nitin felt proud for his action and he closed the book in silence., he knew whom she was mentioning all along. He looked the drizzling rain and closed his eyes thinking about his memories with her.


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