Mystery Man

Never thought that there would come a day that I would be writing something about you. I did not plan on it. Even now I do not want to, but your thoughts would not just go away from last few hours and I need this, to let it out.

It's always been strange or different between us. From the time we started talking, I have to admit, there was something that got me attracted to the conversation. If you ask me the exact details on what we discussed when we interacted with each other, I'm sorry to disappoint you that I do not remember it exactly but I remember the maturity of the conversation is what got me into it.

Later, as the days passed by, we used to talk or text, whatever it is, the conversations were not lengthy as we both have our own priorities and less Mutual free time. But from whatever minimal conversations they were, there was always some familiarity and yet some strangeness in between. How is it possible to feel two different things at the same time.

You were a serious and reserved person. I maintained my distance too, because I did not want any unpleasant situation between us. So, it was mostly formal , some familiarity when we used to converse little more and yet some distance when we were not interacting with each other. Thoughts were there but there was nothing much besides that.

After a period of time, I had to admit that I started avoiding to initiate any conversation by giving some reason, which was partly valid saying that I was busy until you asked me one day about it. You never pushed for anything. And I also did not have much of reasoning or response to give it back.

Later, I ruined it all by saying something I should not have said in the first place. I was not in a right frame of mind and I said something that I should never have. Till date, I feel so sorry about it, when you just walked away, I really felt bad about it. I did try to reach out but it was awkward and obviously there was not much conversation happened. Trust me, there was a time I even thought, it's okay, this is how it had to be and that's how it ended. Many times , I opened that chat window but came out of it, as I thought you would not want to converse more.

Until one day, I thought , this would be the last time and if you still didn't want to talk more, then I thought I would not try again. But strangely yet, you were same reserved person again but you did talk little more and we started catching up on some things.

And some days later, there is something more that's brewing between us but I still cannot label it. Every time i think it's going somewhere, something is happening, the very next day, its going back to square one.

You said that I overthink but please forgive me that I'm not able to fix that aspect. I quite don't have that control mechanism on what my mind is thinking. I really wish I had some switch to turn off and on to make things sane but unfortunately I don't.

Some momentary happiness, with some longing and some guilt or disappointment later about the total situation, it's going round and round in a circle. Sometimes it's mentally exhausting. I'm sorry to say this but it did cross my mind to completely come out of that circle and not give a damn thought, to save my peace of mind. I may have tried that by mentioning my position to you multiple times.

But, do you know what's stopping me?

I can't leave something that's so genuine and the fact that you need me. No matter how hard it is, how difficult you are at times, how less time we get, whatever is the situation, I might not be able to leave you alone in this world again. It's very difficult from my end.

At the very same time, I cannot do everything that would make you happy. I know what makes you happy but I may not be able to be that way always either. Because, this confused state of my mind is not the first time and if I know myself any better, I'm sure it would not be the last time either.

Life indeed is strange. One thing I can say is, whatever I say and feel or talk or converse is all real from my end. I don't mean it's not the same from your end. I know that you have always been open and honest in expressing yourself.

I have no clue where this is leading but I only wish, hope and pray that God will guide us in the right path.