Analysing Myself

Today, I was analysing myself to how I can make my life better in the future. So many things happened in my past. Positive and negative, good and bad, happy and sad. I sometimes feel why I am not able to move forward. For the last 5 months I have been feeling that I am working so hard but at the same time it feels I have come to the same place where I started. In the morning, When I talked to my father about going for the trip alone, my father got angry. He didn't say anything, just the angry facial expression. I got irritated with this. 



After long analysing myself,  I came up. It is not in the outer environment but in the mind itself that is controlling me. I know that I keep crying when I am talking to my friends. I keep saying things are not going good, all are just waste. It's like I ate but sharir ko nahi lag rha. The important thing is I fear a lot with myself. I keep fighting with myself. I keep saying I am not worthy at all. The thing is that I get so overwhelmed when I am thinking about all the things around me. My career options, friends, family, society, social system, philosophy, religion.  My fear is what will happen if this thing is lost, what will happen if someone doesn't give me a job, what will happen if someone insulted me, what if I didn't get my dream husband. These are the fears that  stop me from going ahead. 

I came to the conclusion that I have to be the controller of my life. Don't let anyone tell me what is right and wrong for me. It is not about being the Queen of this world but  to understand our needs too. Make a Laxman Rekha. Don't let anyone come inside this nor  I will cross this. 

I need to understand the difficulties are there and they will always be there. But I need to understand what I will do about this. It is not important that I got a low score in the exam but what is important is what I will do next with this score. The habit I have of blaming people will never help. Making guidelines will always help but don't be exclusively restricted to it.