Not Meant To Be

I want so badly to run into her arms And tell her the story of how and what happened that night

I want so badly to tell her and for her to hold me tight and tell me it will all

Be all right

I want so badly to cry on her shoulder as she  strokes my head and think of anything she can do to make me feel better

I wanted so badly to be open and honest with her knowing she won't judge

Because that's how we used to be

And I loved every second of it

An Anytime I was sad she would be the first to know

Or if something was wrong she was the one I would call 

She was the one I would yearn for

And somehow when she arrived I immediately felt a

Rush of calm

The feeling of safety

Would come rushing back into my veins once again

Feeling like I belonged someplace in this sad dreadful world

 Pushed my heart back together again

And me  knowing that she was the one who caused that to happen

Made my heart beat faster and faster with such Glee

And I remember that feeling made me feel so loved

Holding your hand was like having superpowers it lit me up and made me feel like anything was possible as long as she was by my side

Now I wish I never told her that I  loved  her

And now I wish I had not spent most nights thinking of ways to make her love yourself more

Because most of the time she doesn't act as if she loves me

And she didn't seem to care how I view myself

Or the hate and contempt I seem to find myself when I look in the mirror

It's like shes a stranger who knows all my secrets and yet finds ways to break my heart into pieces

I ask myself

"Why do I still care for you "

And can never seem to find a suitable answer that does not bring a million more questions to the table

I feel like I am under her control

Because no matter what kind of pain she causes me through

I still want her

And I can't seem to leave her or even find the right words to get her to leave me

And that hurts to say because I do still care for her

-A soulmate who wasn't meant to be.