Agony at 4 a.m.
Agony at 4 a.m.


Imagine waking up at 4 a.m. dripped in sweat and in agony
wishing you could just be like normal kids and sleep through the night
instead of suddenly waking up with blood on your sheets
Walking to the bathroom slowly
scared to turn the lights on because you're scared to see the damage
you've caused your body
Being scared of what kind of punctures your tiny human hands can bring upon your person
It wasn't even the pain that got me
yes I was in agony all the time that's practically all I knew
but what really freak me out was the response I would get when people saw me in the morning
In the summer I would wearing long sleeves and turtlenecks
Sweat dripping down my open wounds hurt more than anyone could ever imagine
it's like accidentally getting lemon juice on a cut
but for me it's like I was squirting lemon juice all over my skin and the pain was excruciating
it felt like my skin was on fire
Sometimes it hurt so bad
I just wanted to say
"pause"
and give myself a break
but I know that's not how life works so I just had to learn to live with it
And endure the pain
But It would hurt me more when I wore short sleeves
because people saw those wounds
and weren't afraid of staring or asking questions or
giving ugly looks
like I was crazy or like I had issues because I looked different from everyone else
people already viewed me as different and weird
and them seeing that side of me
just made it even worse
it brought the pain to a whole new level
A level I just didn't want to walk on
Imagine waking up and seeing your own skin flaked across the bed
Or waking up not in pain
for the first time in months and
walking to the bathroom and seeing dry patches
all over your face
right when you thought you were going to be okay for that day
Imagine being with people you thought were your friends and all of a sudden start
interrogating you asking you all these questions like
I'm the one who wanted this problem in the first place
I mean there's nothing in the world I can do about this problem
because if there was
don't you think I would have fixed it by now ?
do you think I enjoy having painful
ugly sores and cuts all over my body ?
Not only does that make me feel like a failure but it makes me hate myself
"Why can't you just be like everyone else
Why can't you have beautiful glowing skin like that girl at Walmart
Why can't you wake up with clean sheets with no blood to be seen"
Those were the things that would run through my head on a daily
Because You've tried all kinds of remedies
and then people blame you for your skin not healing
like you really had a say in making your skin look this way
And anytime you find another remedy you lose hope and don't trust it because nothing else worked
The disease I have is called
ECZEMA
It never stops never goes away
I mean It probably can go away
but for some reason it really likes my body
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/p>
I don't know if eczema is consider a disease
it's probably just a skin defect
or something like that
But for me it's like a disease because I'm stuck with it
It changed my lifemaking it harder for me to live the normal day-to-day life whether it's just the pain or the shame that comes with it
It's handed me a lot of insecurities because of it I'm very self-conscious, body dysmorphic ,body conscious have low self-esteem and low confidence
(And i still have all of those problems including body shaming (myself only all body's are beautiful in my eyes i don't judge) and major depression even thought i no longer have eczema flare-ups.I wrote this poem/story about 4years-ago i was having alot of problem in the skin department.i have always wanted to post about this problem but was always to nervous so please be kind this subject is still a fragile ,Thank you )
Which makes me very uncomfortable in my own skin
and I know many people are familiar with that term
but I think my problem is with most people
when they're stressed or depressed
they usually try and get out of the situation that is causing those feelings
But for me
one of my biggest problems has to do with my body and my skin
And I cant just leave my body when I im tired of it so im just stuck
for a while I thought I was the only person who had eczema
which made me down all the time knowing that I didn't know anyone who was in my shoes
who could truly relate to what I was going through
because they had gone through it as well
And even to this day I've never had very many friends in total I probably have around four .
my skin started to make me feel uncomfortable around someone that I was extremely close to
it made me feel extremely insecure to be around that person
without long sleeves on
and that made me very body-conscious
Which was a unusual feeling with her because I really didn't care how dry my skin looked or how many scars I had.
I remember just waking up one day and looking in the mirror and just being ashamed of the reflection I saw
(I remember days that I
hated myself so much
I would just stand in front of the mirror and cry
wishing I was somebody else)
When she would come over to spend the night I would stay up the whole night to make sure I didn't inflict any wounds upon myself. Because that was mostly when I would scratch when I was asleep, of course my skin always itched
but I could control it when I was awake
but
I didn't have that control whenever I was asleep
So to make sure I didn't cut myself at night I would stay up because
I didn't want her to feel uncomfortable in my presence because of the constant scratching
I knew none of that ever bothered her and I knew my eczema didn't faze her and didn't make her uncomfortable
but for me it made me feel vulnerable
And not worthy of any sort of love
by anybody because of the way I looked
Because of my mind me looking a certain way brought a certain amount of negative emotions
(Even though I had and have so many people in my life that love me)
Depending on the way I looked in the mirror deciphered whether I felt worthy of anything
( I don't know why I ever even cared she's not here now which shows something)