Lucid Dreams

I still remember that day; vivid.

but my thoughts; lucid.

I remember the way his fingers sunk into the flesh on my thighs

and the way he looked at me with that malicious smile

I wish I cried out for help

instead of crying to sleep in my bed

I should’ve pushed his hand away

I should’ve pushed him but here I lay

regretting that all i did was stand still

I wish I could’ve shrilled

there is so much I wish I could’ve done in that moment

But all I did was stood there broken

why am I so weak?

Was it all so bleak?

or was there a chance?

I wonder as I fall asleep.

The next day he pulled my hand and threw me to the floor,

switched off the lights and locked the door.

It was dark but i still remember how it felt,

I still have bruises on my back from the metal piece of his belt.

I never wanted this,

I never allowed this,

why was he doing this?

My body felt invaded

my mind devastated

The picture is kind of faded

but not the way he waded.

That day I cried so much,

my mind still fresh of his touch.

My eyes were sore,

and my body was torn

A p a r t

I fell to the floor of the washroom stall

my knuckles were blue from punching the walls

I cried to my friend and told her my story

she placed her hand on my mouth and said it’s nothing to be gloried

The same way that he had placed his hand on my lips

and my muffled cries never managed to slip trough his fingertips

What am I supposed to do in this position?

I don’t remember when i gave him permission.

my tears glisten,

No one ever listens.

They ask me how short was my dress

but no one asks me if I ever said yes?

I’m wearing more or I’m wearing less,

it wouldn’t stop his intentions to undress,

Me and my reputation, regardless.

They assume I asked for it

but I wonder how anyone could ever come to think

That I would ask for a thing like this?

that I would ask to be torn apart

With a shattered mind and a shattered heart

They all claim these as lies,

as if he never spread my thighs.

But if only did they see it from their own eyes,

they would know about all those nights;

When I poured like the grey skies.

but if only they heard my woeful cries,

They would know that i always tried,

to stop this.

But here lies,

my reputation

But the real lies

are what he claims,

Were his intentions.

I wanted it to stop.

I truly did.

But I guess I’m only loud in washroom stalls when i dwell,

and suddenly quiet when i have to call for help.

I guess it’s my fault

that i didn’t hold his wrist

And give it a twist

that i didn’t use my fist

When he was stealing my first kiss

I guess it’s my fault

maybe my shorts were too short

Or maybe my silence seemed like approval to his shallow conscience

never will i stay put in silence

I will scream like i did that day in so much pain

I will make him feel how i felt, ashamed.

It will creep through your veins,

the fear i felt that day.

I will scream it to the world

because it’s not something to be ashamed of for me

It’s all for him,

this shame is all for him,

For his lascivious grin.

this is all for him,

And it’s your choice

to believe it or to leave it,

But I was never given a choice,

between grief or relief.