When You Would Come
When You Would Come
Blinking those drowsy eyes of mine twice, I tossed the blanket away from me. The curtains whizzed back and forth as the gentle and warm breeze of the dawn kept humming softly through them. I laid on my back, gazing at that whitewashed ceiling as I awaited any movement that would mark your arrival. The knots of trepidation kept twisting and turning right at the center of my chest as I waited to hear those soft thuds of your feet approaching me. The flames of the hope kept fuming fervently as my gaze awaited to see anything with the tiniest semblance of your presence.
And there the yells of my mind reverberated throughout me, making me stand across the truth that I had already known. The truth that there would be none because my love you weren't there anywhere near me and, neither would you be coming back to me any moment from now.
Yanking the black band from my hair, I rubbed my palm across those aching temples of mine as the trepidation that had kept my chest captivated finally waned away. I knew it was futile to even harbor the thought of your arrival, but my love when you would come there wouldn't be such stillness around me - rather there would have been chaos. When you would come, there would have been lightening striking those flawless white puffs of clouds apart, and thunder showing its might while bolting across that blue translucent sky. There would have been grumbles and growlings breaking out of that calm and serene sky that was visible from the window beside me. I knew it was utter foolishness to await for your presence but when you would come there would be countless giggles rumbling out of my mouth and echoing through the whole room, and not this unsettling and deafening silence that kept me shrouded.
Resting my head against the wooden headboard of my bed, I traced the tiny goosebumps that had risen on my forearms because of the soothing calmness that sneered at me. My ears ached from the snickers of the space that reeked of nothing but tranquility that you loathed above all. But when you would come this place of bricks and mortar where I laid with slumber in my eyes would swirl and sway to the aura of the flamboyancy and zeal to live that you held in the very core of your soul - for you were chaos and not an ardent lover of peace and austerity. I stared into nothingness, breathing in the air that was thickened with nothing but the serenity of the morning and once again I shook my head in disappointment because my love, you were never a fan of serendipity rather a hustler in search of a life filled with exuberance - for you were a beholder of the beauty that laid dormant under the superficial calmness that I kept myself fenced with; for you were the one who knew how to pierce through the layers of braveness that I had coated myself with, and only you were the one who held the valor to dive within the depths of my hollow soul and love me with all my vulnerabilities and strengths.
Slamming the door shut behind me, I wrapped a shawl around my trembling shoulders as I walked into the verandah adjacent to my room. A sigh of dismay escaped through my lips when your absence settled in the pits of my soul that miserably hoped for you to come back to me. Because when you would come, there wouldn't be this coldness that gnawed at my insides, and ripping every mended wound open that I had somehow managed to sew since the day you left me. I knew you hadn't come yet because when you would come I could have felt that warmth of yours seeping into me, paving its way to those empty pits of my soul and bringing it back to life again. Because when you would come there would have been butterflies fluttering across my belly, and my heart would've thumped a bit too fast - for it was only you who made me learn the way to love someone so immensely and selflessly.
The pang of hoping for you to come back despite the way you threw me out of your life kept spreading to every bone of mine, as I reminded myself again and again not to look behind my shoulder only to hear the resounding silence of your absence.
But the hope that I held for your arrival vanquished every reason that my mind shouted at me to move on with this life of mine rather than staying put right where you had forsaken me to chase your dreams and fantasies that had no space for me.
And I knew, when you would come there would be a blanket of comfort surrounding me, rekindling that hidden girl that I once used to be, and not this harsh wind that bitingly blew across my face. When you would come, the memories that had been locked away in those numbed corners of my mind would be enlivened again, making me yearn for the familiar warmth of yours that I lost the day you rent yourself apart from me in the pursuit to realize those dreams that never had a part of me in them. When you would come, those held back and repressed wails of the past would've broken out of me, causing the memories of those broken promises of yours and those trampled dreams of mine to ripple through the depths of my mind.
I brewed myself a mug of coffee when it occurred to me that I made it the way you loved. A wave of momentary completeness gushed over me, but then the embers of the past were back - setting me ablaze and spitting the truth on my face, the truth that you weren't here and neither would be anymore. I trod back to my small haven while staring at the empty walls that kept fading away behind me with every step that I took forth. A bitter cry escaped from the cage of my sealed mouth when I realized that was my life without you - barren and empty. But when you would come, these walls wouldn't be naked anymore. When you would come, those strong and concrete walls that I kept building around me while living through every day that held nothing but your absence, would all be burned down into ashes of a girl that I failed to recognize since the day you walked away from my life while saying not to wait for you anymore. When you would come, those blackened depths of my eyes would again be painted with the umpteen dreams that you and I had once woven together. When you would come, the void that breathed at the very core of my existence would be sewn together with the love that you always claimed to retain for me in those chambers of your heart. When you would come, those fears and doubts that kept engulfing me wholly, dragging me to that abyss of hollowness would once again disappear in its entirety and would free me from all those shards of the past that still squashed my heart, causing it to bleed and long for the very sight of yours.
I walked past the window of my room, not once marveling at the sky that looked seamlessly calm with its lurid shades of blue and white. My heart skipped a beat when an insignificant remembrance of yours fell on my lap as I opened the classic that was your last gift before parting your ways from me for the rest of your life. I held the crinkled and shriveled dried rose between the cold tips of my fingers, and couldn't help but let a discreet curve to bloom on my lips as I remembered this was the rose you had given to me while making those proclamations of your abiding love for me. And once again my love, the fleeting hope was back- mercilessly tugging at me to wait for that hapless returning of yours back to me. Because when you would come, there wouldn't be any wilted rose resting torn and lorn between the pages of my favorite book. When you would come, I would have found myself back and not remain as a nutshell of the girl that I used to be once. When you would come, every bit of the emptiness that dwelled inside of me would be rendered to nothingness, finally ceasing to crumble the world that I had built for myself while holding onto those hands of yours.
My love, when you would come to every fiber of my being that had been once tainted with your abandonment would be again resembling the girl that died the day you left while crushing my heart that I had vowed to give you till I breathed my last. And when you would come, this barrenness that kept swallowing me, and the hollowness that crept inside of me with every passing second only to devour my will to live would be obliterated forever - for it had always been you who shielded me from every thorn of my life; it had always been you who taught me to love irretrievably and utterly. And now, it would only be you who could give me back that missing part of me - the part that I once had devoted to you, totally unaware of the way you would leave me without throwing a last glance at my fragmenting soul that had your name embedded in every nook of it.
And now, despite knowing that you wouldn't be coming back to me anymore, that flicker of hope still kept blazing in the pits of my empty soul, pushing me to call out for you to return the lacking piece of my soul that I had once given to you only for it to be shattered into zillion of shards. Despite accepting your absence from my life, that luster of hope still burned in the pits of my empty soul, hauling me to silently plead to the universe to return that wanting piece of my soul that you took away while walking away from me.
Closing the book without reading a single word that was beautifully engraved across its pages, I laid back on that cold bed of mine while grabbing the little jar of pills that rested upon my bedside table. And once again my eyes kept gazing at the blank ceiling while secretly wishing to feel the roaring chaos that you used to awaken within me; secretly longing for the completeness that my soul needed in order to retain its will to continue to live and survive with the memories of the past that kept stabbing right at the steadfast cracks of my heart that broke upon losing you forever.
" I knew that you wouldn't be here right with me any time from now, but when you would come to my love - I would feel whole again, and not writhing and ebbing away bit by bit as the nasty emptiness kept clawing on every fiber of my being." - I mumbled before a tint of blackness appeared behind my lids and before the sleeping pills finally did its magic to lull me back into slumber, absolutely away from the heart-wrenching reality of mine that was irrefutably inscribed in my fate by that perennial absence of yours.