The Shape of Esme's Thoughts

- Chapter Two -

Maturity Warning

    I must have passed out after that. I woke up and Cola was carrying me. I try to say something, but I can't so I grip her shirt to show her I'm awake. She slowly lowers me facedown unto something hard. I look around, my vision slowly returning. I'm lying on Cola's kitchen table, and she's pacing next to me. Bubblegum's at the sink, wetting a washcloth.

    "No..." I manage. Cola grabs my hand, rubbing her thumb over my palm. "Ice..."

    "Ice what?" Bubblegum says in a panicked tone.

    "I don't know, your always getting hurt, don't you know anything about first aid?" Bubblegum shakes his head.

    "I always just let it bleed. I've never had to deal with something like this." Cola opens her mouth, but I speak.

    "Cold water, bearly damp towel. P-put ice on top of it, and let it melt on the cloth. But f-f-first, it needs to be cauterized."

    "What the hell's that mean?" As Bubblegum says this, Cola looks at me like she's seen a ghost.

    "No way, no way in hell am I doing that." I chuckle a bit, but it turns into a cough and I taste blood.

    "I could just continue to bleed out on your table."

    "What would I even use?" I think for a moment.

    "Metal spatula. Use that torch thing you have to heat it." Cola hesitates, but does as I say. When she's done heating the spatula, she holds it in her hands.

    "I don't think I can do this..." I ignore her, looking to Bubblegum.

    "Get some scissors, cut my shirt." Bubblegum looks appalled.

    "I c-can't do that..." I give him a fed up look, and he does as told.

    "Cola, now." I brace myself, knowing this is going to hurt like hell. I scream and tense in agony as the metal meets my skin. Cola makes quick work of cauterizing my wound. It takes no more than maybe a minute or two, but it's the worst pain I've ever felt. I slowly sit up after she finishes. I'm breathing hard and sweating a lot. Bubblegum starts to inch towards the door.

    "I-I've gotta be home now... Call me in the morning to make sure you're alright." He looks at us both one more time, quickly exiting the apartment. I look over to Cola, but she has her back turned to me. Her shoulders are shaking.

    "Cola?" She brings her hands to her face and takes a few deep breaths. She turns back to me, a smile on her face.

    "Yeah?"

    "Could I get a water?" She nods, walking into the next room. There were only three rooms in the apartment. Her living room, which was also a dining room, and also a kitchen. The kitchen was divided from the rest of the room by a small kitchen island with a few cupboards underneath. The other two rooms was her bedroom, and a bathroom that was only ever used for showers because the toilet and sink never worked right no matter how many times maintenance 'fixed' it. Cola had walked into her bedroom because she kept all the drinks on the fire escape. The apartment only had a mini fridge, so she only kept the food in there. She came back with a water, and a change of clothes. "Thanks." I say, taking the clothes and walking into the bathroom. There's a pair of shorts and a hoodie. The shorts are mine, from the last time I was over, but the hodie's Cola's. It's a light purple color, with a small heart over the left side of the chest. It was much too big, but super comfortable. I drink the water in what seems like one gulp, and step out of the bathroom. Cola's standing over the radio, setting it to a station playing a fast pced rock song. She steps back, dancing with absolutely no rhythm. I stare at her for a moment, wondering how it's even possible for someone to be so bad at dancing.

    "Come on Essy, dance!" She does an odd move, moving her shoulders and arms in opposition. I join in, only slightly better than she is. We danced and dance for what seemed like forever. Eventually, the radio station started to play older songs like every station does after a certain time, once the host goes home and the lights go off in the studio. The song Wonderful Tonight comes on. Cola takes my hand, bringing me close to her and putting her hands lightly on my hips. I bring both of my hands up to rest on her neck. She pulls me in a bit closer to her.

    "I'm real sorry Essy." She rests her head on top of mine. "I shoulda been watching your back."

    "Cola... There's nothing you could have-" I feel her tense a bit.

    "But that's the problem, I could have." She lifts my shirt a bit, gently touching the bumpy new skin on my back. "It could have been so much worse. I'm sorry." I push myself away from her a bit so I can look her in the eyes.

    "It's truly not your fault. Honest." I lift myself up onto my tip toes, but she's so damned tall that I can't get close enough to kiss her. She seems caught up in though, and making no efforts to come down to my level, so I drag her over to the couch. I plop her down, sitting on her lap.

    "What'd you do that for?" She faces away from me, blushing a bit.

    "Because you're too damn tall." I turn her face so that her lips hover just above mine.

    "Essy..." She looks away, but doesn't move her face. Without another word, I bring my lips to touch hers. She sounds surprised for a moment, but then starts kissing me back. I shift so that instead of both my legs being on one side of her, one legs is on each side of her. She pulls away, blushing. "Essy..."

    "Yeah?" I push back a strand of her hair.

    "I-Is this alright?" She looks away, blushing even more. "I-I mean... I don't want to move to fast i-if you-" I laugh at this.

    "I kissed you, and you're asking me if it's okay?" She smiles, as if in a newfound confidence.

    "In that case," She leaned in, kissing me a bit harder. She puts her hand on my lower back, pressing me against her. I put both my arms around her neck, knotting one of my hands in her hair. Hesitantly, she puts a hand on my inner thigh. I shift so my entire body's against her. She gently rubs her thumb against my thigh. She carefully lifts my shirt, running her finger up my back. I back away from her, slowly taking off the purple hoodie. She looks at me, a little taken aback. It had been a long time since anyone had seen me like that. I had a lot of scars, and always a few bruises covering my torso. I leaned back a bit, letting her get a better look. She holds out her hand, touching a bruise that covered most of my abdomen. I place my hand on hers.

    "What happened?" I look away, dropping my hand from hers. She puts a hand on my cheek, guiding my face to face her. I'd lied to her a few months ago and told her that my dad hadn't beaten me in a while. From then on, I denied it every time she asked.

    "I lied." I bearly whisper it, not looking at her.

    "What?"

    "I lied." I exclaim. "I-it never stopped. I-I'm sorry..." I finally look back at her. At first, she looks a bit hurt, but then she gave me a look of understanding.

    "It's alright." She picks me up, cradling me in her arms. She stands up and begins walking towards her bedroom. Once inside, she lays me on the bed gently. She takes off her light blue t-shirt, wearing a grey sports bra underneath. She crawls on top of me, putting both hands on the side of my chest. She leans in, kissing a bruise directly between my breasts. She kisses her way up to my neck, then hovers her lips above my neck. "I want to mark you, right there." She puts her hand up to my neck, caressing it. I nod. She lowers her lips to my neck, kissing it roughly. The spot where she marked me stings a bit as she shifts so she can kiss me properly. She places a hand on my hip as she kisses me intensely. I put an arm around her neck, kissing her back aggressively. As she moves her hand from my hip to my lower back, I feel her tongue against my lips. I open my mouth a bit, letting her tongue enter my mouth. She puts a finger into the elastic of my shorts, pulling back from the kiss.

    "I've n-never done anything like this before." I smile up at her.

    "Neither have I." I reach my hand up, unclipping her bra. She lets it fall beside us on the bed, taking of my shorts and panties as if in response. Laying there, making love with someone I cared so deeply about, was complete bliss. Almost unconsciously, things turn rough, but after a while, we both become tired. She lays behind me, lazily spooning me.

    "Goodnight Essy." I kiss her on the cheek.

    "Goodnight Cola."

***

    I wake up to light shining through the curtains. Not immediately remembering what happened the day before, I sit up. Suddenly realizing that I am naked, I bunch up the sheets around me. I look around, realizing where I was and what had happened. I touch my back, which stings a bit. I pick up the purple hoodie from the floor, pulling it over my head, and slipping on my shorts. When I walk into the living room, Cola's standing at the stove, flipping a pancake. Every time I was over, she made pancakes with whipped cream and nothing else, just the way we both like it. She pulls it off the pan, sliding them over to me. She turns to walk past me, but stops in her tracks.

    "Oh..." She gently touches my neck. "We're gonna have to fix that..." She kisses my cheek lightly, walking off to the bathroom. I eat quickly, anxious to see what she meant. I stand up, meeting her in the bathroom. Cola's standing by the sink, cover-up in her hand. I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and stare for a moment. There were quite a few bite marks and hickeys on my neck, and a few on my collar. Cola looks away from me, embarrassed.

    "Let's just get this over with." She mumbles. She brings the makeup brush to my neck, and I lean my head the opposite way. She finishes putting on the makeup quickly, moving onto my hair. She starts to do my hair in the usual way, with the two small braids tied in the back, but I stop her.

    "Do it the way you used to." She smiles at me, just a bit. I close my eyes, just like I used to. I loved the magic of it, closing my eyes and having my hair change. She taps my shoulder, and I open my eyes. Every time I opened my eyes, she'd do it a different way. This time, it was different than any other way I'd ever seen. It was in a bun, but some parts were braided and some parts were twisted. Two strands were curled in the front. I gape in stupor.

    "I don't look like me..." Cola hugs me from behind.

    "Of course you do. You look like Esme. It's a royal name, you know that. It's meant to mean sophisticated, it's French." She thinks about what she said for a moment. "That probably sounded stupid." She looks at me int the mirror. I smile at her, turning myself around so that I face her.

    "Not at all." I burry my face in her neck. She sets her head on mine.

    "We've gotta get going, we're meeting the gang at the library building in about fifteen minutes." I nod, and so we're off to the library.

***

    "Took you two damned long enough." Everyone's sitting there on the back steps behind the library. "Didn't even bother texting back. Esme coulda been dead." Milli is showing a rare instance of actually caring about something for once.

    "Were you... Concerned Milli?" Milli throws back her head laughing.

    "Pft... No. I-I was just afraid we'd loose our strategist." Everyone looks at Milli. She always acts like she doesn't care, we all do most of the time. But this was the most family any of us had. She reaches into her bag, pulling out a few packs of beer. "Can we please just get to the part where we're all drunk and could care less?"

    "That definitely wouldn't mind that." Bubblegum pulls out a beer from the pack, hanging one to everyone but Sam. Sam didn't take alcohol well. He was a really light drinker, and a blackout drunk, which is not a pretty combination. A lot of the times, we play drinking games, but not today. Today, each of them seemed almost desperate in their relief. We don't usually worry about brawls, but this one was different. Not just because I got hurt, but because he brought extra guys. If this became a regular thing, he might really hurt one of us. With this weight on our minds, we drank. We drank and drank and all got pretty drunk. Milli was totally shit faced, as usual. Jasper was pretty drunk, but he always got really quiet when he was drunk, so he wasn't much fun. Cherry was hanging around Sam's neck, trying to get him to pay her attention. We all knew that she wanted him, but Sam was so clueless when it came to things like that. Bubblegum was trying to talk to Jasper, without much luck. That left me and Cola, trying to talk to Milli.

    "But liiiiiiike..." Milli was stumbling around, trying to talk with her hands and hold her drink at the same time. "Do we even need baby teeth?" She holds her hand up, trying to touch my face. "I wanna sees your teeth." I back away from her.

    "Milli, you're way to drunk. Here." I hand her the water I had been drinking, trying to sober up enough to go home. I see what's going to happen before it does. I start to jump back, but she's too fast.

    "No!" She throws the water at me, hitting me on my chest, splashing up my neck. I gasp, pulling the hood of the purple hoodie around my neck, but it's no use. Milli gets a big smile on her face. She lived for moments like this. "Well, well, well." She looks me up and down, and I look away. "Hickeys, different hair, and Cola's hoodie. Spill." Just as I open my mouth to refute why she said, my phone dings. I take it out of my pocket and look at it. It's the security camera I installed a few months ago to keep an eye for when my dad got to drunk or into a bad fight. Sure enough, he's stumbling into the door, a large man behind him. The man gives him a quick right hook, making his nose bleed.

    "Shit. I've gotta go." I don't stick around to hear Milli's protests. I head straight for my house. My house is a lot closer than everyone else's to the library. I could easily walk there, though it was much easier to take the bus. I sprinted all the way there. When I arrived at the door, I could hear the guy hitting my pops. I rip open the door, tearing the man from my father. He was huge, and super ripped. I might have to pull a Bubblegum here.

    "What the hell you think you're doin' punk?" He turns, nailing me right in the left cheek. I feel myself bit my cheek, and I spit blood on the floor. He goes back for another hit, but I grab his shirt, throwing him out the door. I try to close the door and lock it, but he grabs my arm, throwing me out into the front lawn. "Forget about your idiot father, imma beat you to a pulp." He kicks me hard in the back, and I try to stand up. He grabs my by my hair, throwing me to the side. He grabs a stick from off the ground, breaking it over my head. I manage to stand up, taking a defensive stance. He hits me quick in the chest, knocking the wind out of me. I get pushed back on the ground, and he kicks my head. My nose hits the ground and starts bleeding thick red blood. He stomps on my hand, and I feel it crunch. He bends over, grabbing me by the collar. He spits in my face, punching me over the eyebrow. I feel my skin splitting, but he doesn't stop. He punches me at least ten more times before dropping me to the ground. "Tell your daddy to stay away from my wife." Well shit. He messed up bad this time. The guy kicks me in the side, as if punctuating the statement. As he walks away, I gingerly pick myself up, walking back into the house. My dad's laying on the ground, coughing. I help him up, putting his arm over my shoulder. I pull him into the bathroom, sitting him on the stool. He groans and says something unreasonable. I grab a cloth, dousing it in hydrogen peroxide. He flinches away as I put it to a cut over his right cheek. I steady his face, grabbing another washcloth, wetting it and holding it to his nose. I force his hand to his nose, having him hold it. I lift his shirt, touching his ribs, making sure none of them are broken.

   "Shit Esme! That hurts." I ignore him, examining the back of his head where he seemingly hit it on something. Warm blood runs from the cut. I sigh, taking the hydrogen peroxide cloth and putting it over it. I sigh, leaving it there and grabbing a bit of gauze and medical tape. I fix up the cut on his face, taking liquid stitch to the back of his head. He wasn't in quite as bad shape as I was, but he'd be royally pissed if I tried to fix myself up in front of him. He looks at me in a drunken stupor. He catches glimpse of my neck, which I had admittedly forgotten about until then.

    "Slut. What the hell'd you do tonight?" I look away from him. He stands up, slapping me squarely across the face. I fall down, weak and lightheaded. "Huh girly? Answer me!" He lights a cigarette, cursing under his breath. He picks my up by my collar, blowing smoke in my face. He looks at my neck. "Hah... Unbelievable." He grabs my face and makes me look at him. "It was a chick." I look at him in shock. "I'm not a total idiot, remember?" Before my father was a drunk, he used to own a dentist office. He knew a lot about teeth and throats and things like that. He looks at the cigarette in his hand, and looks like he's thought of something. He brings it to my neck, hovering it just above my skin.

    "No... Please..." I struggle, trying to break myself free. He snickers, bringing it to my skin. I yell, withering away from him. He grabs me, pinning me down to the floor.

    "Don't you dare move, or you'll get a lot worse than a cigarette." I freeze. Whenever he told me things could be worse, I did whatever he wanted. I knew that it was best to take whatever he was doing now than risk making it worse. He brings it down to my skin again, and I try my best not to move, but I must not have done a very good job, because he brings it down harder the next time. I struggle under him, trying to get him off me. He snickers. "I warned you, didn't I?" He reaches over to the outlet where he had an old-timey cigarette lighter. He pushes it in, waiting for it to heat up. I scream, tryind desperately to get away. He waits only a moment more before swiftly taking it out and putting it to the other side of my neck. I scream under the unbearable pain. It's not like the night before. Last night, I was being burned to fix a pain, going two steps back to take three forward. This was just terrible and cruel. Not to mention the night before I was already in pain, so it made ita bit better. I thrash around as he picks it up and places it in another spot on my neck. He pulls down my shirt and sees more bite marks. He snears. He reheats the lighter, putting it to my chest a few times. I scream loudly, and he looks fed up. After a few more times of doing this, he gets off me. I scurry over to the corner, covering my face. I hear metal rubbing against each other, and he picks me back up by my collar. "I want you out of here. Pack a bag and don't come back. Ever." He's holding a knife in his other hand. "And don't you ever forget what your father did for you." He takes the knife and cuts across the side of my face, choking me for a moment, then letting me drop to the floor. I look up at him in shock.

    "Daddy?" I never called him that. I'd only ever called him that before mom died. He turns back to me and spits in my face.

    "Don't call me that. I don't know you anymore." Those five words hurt so much worse than anything he'd ever done for me. I reach out for him, but he kicks my hand away, walking out of the room. I shakily pick myself up. It's dark now, deep into the night. I didn't realize how long we had stayed at the old library. I didn't quite know what day it was, but I'm pretty sure it was a school day. Graduation was in a few weeks, and even if none of us showed up to class again until then, we'd still graduate. That was the last thing on my mind then. I quickly went to my room, grabbing a duffel bag and showing some clothes and a few objects into my bag. A pad of paper, some random pens, my camera, an extra pair of sneakers, and a few other random things. I throw on a scarf,, looking over to my dresser. I realize that my bag was only half full, but there was only one thing left in my room. The wooden box. It had a few pictures of mom, and the raven glass figurine that she got me for my birthday the year before she died. I hold it in my hands, my most prized possession. My hands are shaking, but I know what I have to do. I walk from my room to my father's. I place the box on his bed, saying nothing to him when I walk out the door for the last time.

***

    I arrived at Cola's flat in what seemed like no time. I was in a bit of shock. I knock, but don't open the door. She comes to the door, opening it just a bit. When she sees me, she flings it open.

    "What the hell happened?" She pulls me inside, realizing the bag I'm holding. I try to speak, but nothing comes out. Damn it. My vocal cords must be swollen. I pull out the pad and paper from my bag. I then realize that my right hand's the one that's broken. I write out in sloppy letter, ice. She runs over to the freezer, grabbing an ice pack. I hold it to my neck for about twenty minutes with Cola pacing next to me. She didn't know the second thing about first aid, so I had to be able to talk before she could help me. I cough a few times, speaking semi-well.

      "G-Get hydrogen peroxide, or mouthwash if you don't have any." It takes me a while to say it, but as soon as I do, she grabs me mouthwash. I pour it on a washcloth, pressing it to a few of the cuts on my face. My neck hurts the worst, but I don't want Cola to see what happened. I put it over a cut on my chin, letting some of the mouthwash drip onto my neck.

       "Why are you putting mouthwash on your cuts."

       "Infection." She nods, pacing a bit slower. I do this for a few minutes, the pain in my neck growing. I see blood dripping down my neck to my chest. I pull my shirt around my neck. I take a few deep breaths. "I'm sorry... I didn't know where else to go." She shakes her head.

       "It's fine. I'm glad you came here." I stand, and she touches my neck from behind. I wince, flinching away. She looks at me confused. I look away embarrassed as she takes the scarf from my neck. She gasps a bit. I hadn't looked in the mirror, but I can't imagine it looks pretty. She touches my hair, picking away a bit of dry blood. "What happened?" She asked the same question as before. I look away from her again, mumbling. She takes my hand, examining it. She gets a roll of bandage from the cupboard. "I do know one thing about first aid." She wraps my hand and my neck, completely textbook. It's perfect, better than I could ever do. I touch my right hand with my left The words just fall out then. I tell her how the guy was beating my dad, and how I stopped him. I told her how I fixed him up, and how he started freaking when he saw my neck. How he threw me out. I tell her about everything but the box. At some point during all of this, Cola starts crying.

       "I'm so sorry. This is all my fault. I shouldn't of..." I shake my head.

       "I don't regret it." She smiles a bit, wiping her eyes. She takes a shaking breath.

       "Okay. Good." Suddenly, I feel so tired. I yawn. She picks me up, bringing me into her bed. She holds me gently in her arms as I drift off to restless sleep.