The Shape Of Esme's Thoughts

Chapter Three -

I woke up several times during the night. Cola kept bringing me water and ice and changing the bandages on my neck and hand. I would pass out, then wake back up. I didn't really sleep at all, I just wasn't always awake. By the time it was light out, we were both more tired than when we had fallen asleep. She helped me into the bathroom so I could examine the burns on my neck again. As she takes the bandages off, I look at myself in the mirror. I look awful. My hair's a mess, blood dried onto it. The hodie's stained with blood and my hand has turned several different shades of purple and yellow. My face was bruised and cut up, but that was nothing compared to my neck. Cola undoes the bandage carefully, but it still hurts like hell. I wince, holding my hands just above the place where it was burned. Heat radiates off my neck. Thick red and purple lines slither their way around each burn. They seem to have expanded a bit too, eating at themselves.

"Shit." Cola's looking at me like she's seen a ghost. "W-we've gotta do something about that." I try to shake my head, but it hurts so I stop.

"Are you insane? What if they ask what happened."

"Then we tell them what that bastard did." There's nothing but pure hate in her voice when she says it. I look down.

"I can't." I don't exactly say the words to her, more at her. Not in an aggressive speak at someone way, but as if throwing a ballon in the air and waiting for someone to catch it. She looks at me in surprise.

"Can I ask why the hell not?" I turn away from her, continuing to go over my first aid checklist in my mind. I know I've got a cracked rib, but it doesn't seem to be affecting my breathing. My hand is either broken or fractured, and I'm pretty sure I extended my left calf muscle. My neck is infected, and without stitching, pretty much all the cuts on my face were going to scar. I go over every injury to make sure that there's nothing too bad. Nothing but my neck seems to have changed from before. She frowns at me. "I won't push. I know this doctor, he's not part of an office. I must warn you, though," She looks away, thinking. "There's a reason he doesn't work for an office." She picks me up, starting to walk out the door.

"I can walk you know." I rest my head gently on her chest. I have a few points to that. One, you can barely walk. Two," She kisses me gently. "It's easier to do that. And finally," She smirks at me. "You don't seem to mind." She looks at my head on her chest. I look her in the eyes.

"I don't really." She laughs a bit, carrying me out the door.

***

We get in her car, and she drives for what seems like forever. I'm laying across the backseat, wincing at every bump in the road. The same tired lightheadedness comes over me like last night. Cola keeps telling me to hold on or that it'll be okay. We get out in front of a small house, and I urge her to get me to a trash bin. I curl over the one just inside the foyer, puking violently. I breathe heavy, hurling again. I hear a scraping against the floor, and Cola turns to the sound.

"Good, Sevvy." I look up from the bin, finally done puking. There's a small person sitting on a rolling stool. They're dressed in a striped suit, and they have long red hair. They look at me with a puzzled expression.

"Well, Cola darling, your friend here's seen better days. Far worse than the normal street rift-raft you bring around here." Cola looks apologetic and opens her mouth to refute.

"Why I-I'm flattered," I say before Cola can say something. The doctor (Sevvy?) trows back their head laughing.

"Darn well should be. Here, come, come in." They usher us in, leading to a room with a doctor's examination table and a small counter to the side. They bring their hand up to my face, and I flinch a bit. They look a bit puzzled but continues to examine the cuts and bruises on my face. They make me bend over so they can examine the top of my head, and I wince. They see the cut on the top of my head and push me back up. They grab the shaft I had put on before I left, gently tugging it lose. They look frustrated by examining it. They pull up my shirt, looking at the bruises on my torso. They write a few things down before moving onto my hand. They look a bit impressed. "I see you've learned at least one thing Cola." They turn to me and talks in a hushed voice. "She's so utterly hopeless when it comes to the medical field. From what she tells, me though, you're rather good at it. So tell me," They take my hand in their cold ones. "What do you think is wrong with you?" I list off the checklist in my head.

"Other than the common cuts and bruises, fractured or possibly broken hand, my back could still use stitches, a cracked rib, infection, extended calf muscle." They nod.

"Your ankle has also been broken before, no?" I nod. I had broken my ankle a few years ago, but I didn't tell anyone. "It didn't heal properly. You don't seem to have much of a problem with it, though." I also nod at that. They look me up and down. I look away from them. "I can fix it, but it will cost you." They look over at Cola. She nods, walking out of the room. The doctor looks at me. "You seem to have had a rather rough night." I nod, still not looking at them. They pull a laptop out of the top drawer of the cupboard above the counter. They type away viciously for a moment, definitively hitting the keyboard. "Lay on the table face down please." They pull out a roll of doctor's thread and a needle. "This will hurt." They didn't say it in an oh this may hurt a bit way but as a statement. They waste no time, apathetically stabbing the needle into my skin. It was a bit healed from what Cola had done when I first got it, but it was still pretty open. It hurt a lot, but my neck was already in a lot of pain, so it wasn't quite unbearable. I bite down on my teeth, wincing. They quickly finish sowing it up, moving back a bit. "Unfortunately, there's not much I can do for your rib, but so long as you don't hurt it again anytime soon you should be fine. You'll just have to wait out the extended calf. Keep ice on it. As for the infection..." They turn around, grabbing a syringe from the drawer. They turn back, silently sticking it in my neck. I wince, a numb feeling spreading through my neck. I feel my neck, confused.

"What was that?" They turn around, grabbing some bandage and a tube of ointment. They wrap my neck again but don't put the ointment on.

"It's numbing serum and antibiotics. The ointment has the same stuff, but not as strong. Put it on in a few hours when the numbing goes away." Cola enters the room again, and the doctor turns to her. "Ah, Cola. Be a dear and wrap her hand again. I've got business elsewhere. You can let yourself out." Without another word, they roll away. Cola wraps my neck then helps me up.

"I didn't tell them what happened, but if you wanna see the gang, they're at the library building right now. Do you-"

"I want to see them." She smiles, helping me out the door.

"Shit Esme, you look awful." They all stare at me as I sit down on the steps. "What happened," Bubblegum asks.

"Ah... What was it?" I think for a moment. "Can we get to the part where we're all drunk and could care less?" I do my best Milli voice when saying this, and everyone laughs. Milli brings out a bottle of vodka and seven shot glasses.

"Shall we?" She puts the bottle in the center of the misshapen circle we've formed. Each of us takes a glass. This was a game we called Tell. It was like truth or dare, but only truth and a lot more drinking. Milli goes first as always. "Now, as everyone may have expected, Esme." She looks at me. "What happened?" I pick up the bottle and put myself a shot. I drink, the vodka burning my throat. I cough a bit, turning to Cherry. Whenever someone asks a question like that, it's customary to ask someone else an equally intense question.

"Tell Sam how you feel." Cherry looks panicked, and Sam looks confused. Cherry picks up the bottle and takes a shot. Cherry asks Jasper who asks Cherry who asks Bubblegum who asks Milli. Milli then asks Cola.

"What happened the night before last." She has a devious look in her eyes.

"Well..." Of course, the one time Cola doesn't want to drink. I keep my eyes and face completely neutral. I didn't mind either way. Cola is sitting at my side, and she turns towards me. Suddenly, she grabs my chin, kissing me. Everyone else gasps as I kiss her back lightly. I'm blushing furiously when she pulls away. Things like that usually wouldn't have usually embarrassed me, but it was somehow different from the gang around. Each of them stares as I bury my face in my hands. This was so embarrassing. Why was I blushing so much? Cherry woops, and Bubblegum laughs.

"Haha, anyone could have seen that coming." We all laugh and drink for a while more. Every time someone asks me a question, it's to ask what happened to my neck, so I'm extremely drunk by the end of the night. Cola is too, but not as much as me, so she drives.

"We got invited to a party." I'm staring at the ceiling, though I'm not quite sure why. "That Luke kid's house. We should go." Cola nods. She's trying to focus on the road in her moderately drunk state. We arrive at her apartment a while after that. She changes into my pajamas then lets me walk into the bathroom. I change into a pair of short blue shorts and one of Cola's red flannels that she left at my house a while ago. It was big on her, so it was huge for me. I am 5'7", which isn't short at all, but Cola was 6'11", so I was really short in comparison. It goes down to my knees. I walk into the living room, and Cola has the radio playing. She's smoking pot, looking super dazed. I grab a cigarette from my bag on the way out, sitting down close to her. She stands up, turning off the radio, and turns on an I Love Lucy CD, black and white, not the stupid new colored ones. I held the cigarette in my hand, but when I looked at it my vision started to go dark. My eyes were consumed with the vision of last night. I stand up, dropping the cigarette. I try to back away from the vision of my father, but I can't back away from my own eyes. I try to speak but I can't. He's shouting and shouting, and he won't stop. I back up, feeling something hard against my back and I slide down what I can assume was a wall. I scream over his voice and once I can finally hear my own voice, I start looking around. I don't see much at first, but then a static starts to build in my ears. I cover them, but it's no use. I look in front of me, and there stands the only person I'd want to see less than my father. There stands my older brother. I look in shock as he starts walking towards me. I back up more, curling myself up into a little ball, trying to get as far away from him as possible. He crouches down, moving the hair out of my face. He gets to close to me, his hot breath blowing on my face.

Until we meet again Es. Suddenly, I'm pulled back into Cola's apartment. I scream, crawling away from the wall I was backed up onto. I look around, my eyes still getting used to the light. Cola is sitting by the place I was just in. She looks scared, so I look at my feet.

"I-I'm sorry." She shakes her head, standing up and walking over to me. She hugs me tightly.

"What happened?" I shrug.

"I was just remembering what happened last night." She smiles a dim smile, pushing me away from her so she can look me in the eyes.

"You have a brother?" I look at her in shock. I must have said something or done something. I shake my head, smiling as brightly as I can manage.

"Why would you think that?"

"Because you said brother, trailed off, then started screaming. Are you alright?" I walk away, going into Cola's room and grabbing the three tapes from the bottom of my bag. My evidence. I hand them to Cola, never looking at her. She takes them, walking over to the tape player. She turns on the TV as I walk into the bathroom, closing the door and sitting on the other side with my back to the wall. I hear my brother's voice from the TV, and I plug my ears. After a couple of minutes, I hear Cola walk over to the door, sitting with her back to the door on the other side.

"Essy..." I feel tears falling down my cheeks. I'd never told anyone that I had a brother, much less what he did.

"He was a shut-in. He never left his room unless it was to get me or use the bathroom. He dropped out of high school. It went on a lot longer before that, but three days before he left, he punched a hole in his wall. I put a camera in it when he was in the bathroom. That was the last three times."

"How long?"

"Five years, nine months, eighteen days." I had those numbers burned into my memory, I would never forget it. Elliott, my older brother, and only sibling. He had sexually abused me for five years, nine months, and eighteen days. I would never forget. I back away from the door and Cola opens it. I don't look at her. She sits beside me and I sit my head on her lap.

I must have dozed off, because when I woke up, Cola was stroking my hair.

"Awake?" I sit up, nodding. I realize that my neck is now on fire. I wince, standing. I look in the mirror, and I look just as awful as I did yesterday. A lot of the cuts on my face had pink skin stretched over them. The bandage on my neck is bleeding through, but my calf felt a lot better and my back was healing cleanly. I start to unravel my neck, but before I can start, Cola stops me. "Let me." She takes the end of the bandage from me, carefully unraveling it. I yelp as the newly formed skin is torn up with the bandage. She apologizes, quickly unraveling it. She looks at my neck, frustratedly walking out of the room. While she's gone, I look back at the mirror. My neck looks a lot worse now. It's gotten quite a bit worse from last night. I frown as Cola walks back in the room.

"Sevvy said to keep it unwrapped. Just put the ointment on and keep hydrated." She looks away. "If it gets worse tomorrow, we'll have to go back to his office." She looks at her feet, rocking back and forth on her heels. Suddenly, things start to get blurry again.

"Cola?" She says something back, but I can barely hear her. Static starts to fill my ears, but I strain to listen to Cola. My vision is going, so I only see her outline, but she looks worried. All a sudden, something cold hits my face and I'm pulled back. I realize that that cold thing was really water. Freezing cold water. Once I realize what's happening, I look down at my feet. "S-sorry" I mumble. Cola gently hugs me, careful to not touch my neck.

"It's okay." She touches my hair, frowning. "You could do with a good shower though." We both laugh as I pull another outfit out of my bag. She helps me take my shirt off without touching my neck, then leaves the room. I turn on the shower, thinking. I was almost in a stupor. I couldn't really think too much. It's like when you wake up on Christmas morning and it doesn't really seem like Christmas. I told Cola my second biggest secret. There wasn't a thing she didn't know now. I get in the shower, still not thinking. I wash my hair, not thinking. I reach for the soap, but then I slowly realize something. I can't think. Everything looks a little out of focus. I don't really know what's happening anymore. I look around, water dripping in my eyes. I turn off the shower, trying to think. I get out of the shower, trying to remember what I was trying to think about. I look at my hands. They almost move on their own as I get dressed again. I look at myself in the mirror, bringing my hand to my neck. I realize that it's bleeding a lot and staining my shirt. I touch it, my hand coming back red. I open the door, my knees going weak. I try to call out for Cola, but my tongue feels weird in my mouth. Whatever I was trying to say gets stuck in my throat. My head feels heavy, and I almost feel my body swaying. My hands are going numb, and my vision is getting more and more blurry. I lean on the counter, trying to figure out what's happening. I stand myself back up, looking at the ground. A few drops of blood fall from my neck, and I feel gravity pull me to the ground. My head bounces twice on the floor before everything goes black.

Someone's standing over me, jabbing something in my arm. There's a beeping somewhere.

Someone yells, but I can't hear what. I'm moving fast.

It's loud and there's a lot of wind. Something keeps pushing on my chest.

There's a bright light and someone's checking a glowing box. I look around, my head heavy. Someone says something, and my neck is on fire. I try to say something but I can't. There's a rush of numbness over my body and I fade out of consciousness again.

I wake up, my vision finally clear. My neck feels numb but other than that I feel fine. I sit up, looking around. Cola's sitting in a chair next to the hospital bed I'm sitting on.

"Essy!" She throws her arms around me, squeezing the wind out of me. I push her off, standing. I realize there's an IV in my arm. I rummage through the cupboard over the hospital bed. There's a first aid kit that I pull a band-aid out of. I tear out the IV, putting a band-aid in its place. Cola looks a bit shocked but responds. "Good luck with that. You're gonna be in a load of pain without that. I haven't told them anything, but they'll start asking soon. You can't just-" I grab her hand, pulling her toward the door.

"I can't be here."

"You can't leave." She tries to get me to let go, which is fairly easy because I'm still pretty weak.

"Sevvy will give us medication. They can treat whatever the hell's wrong with me."

"Sepsis." I frown.

"Yeah, alright. I don't really care. I just don't need them asking questions." Cola frowns but follows me out into the hallway.

"Okay... But you have to stop moving around so much. We'll go to Sevvy if you promise me that you'll stop trying so hard to do everything on your own."

"Like what?"

"I know you can't feel it, but look down at your calves." I look down and realize that both my calves are purple and yellow, like a healing bruise over my entire calf. "You still have a calf extension." I try to protest as Cola picks me up, but she's really warm, so I don't mind too much. I rub my head against her chest and she smiles. We get a few odd looks, but no one stops us as we leave. As she puts me down to open her car door, I realize something awful.

"What the hell, they do to my hair?" I run my hands frantically over my head. My hair has been buzzed so that there's only about an inch of hair on my head. "What. The. Hell'd. They. Do. To. My. Hair!" I say it as less of a question and more of a statement. Cola chuckles as we get into the car.

"It kept getting in the way so they cut it."

"I've been growing it out forever!" I pout all the way to Sevvy's house.

"So long as you keep up with the pills, you should be good." They hand me three different bottles. "The tiny ones are sleep pills, the yellow ones are painkillers, and the white ones are for the static." They look away a bit, popping a lollipop in their mouth. "Just take them with water every morning and you should be fine." They quickly roll out without looking at me or saying another word. Cola helps me back up, holding me by the waist so that I don't fall over. She helps me out to the car and drives us back to the apartment. Once we're inside, she hugs me tightly, sobbing onto my shoulder. I hug her back, a little surprised.

"Hey..." I push him back a bit so I can look her in the eyes. "What's wrong?" She holds my face as if I'm going to suddenly disappear.

"I thought you were going to die." A tear rolled down her cheek, and her voice gets really quiet. "Your heart stopped. Twice." I look at her in shock. "You kept trying to tear out the IV after they gave you that medication. You..." She looks away. "You kept saying that you needed to go home..." She's bearly speaking when she says this. "That your brother was waiting... That he needed you. That your pops were gonna be mad and that... That you needed them." I feel tears welling up in my eyes, so I hug her. I don't want her to see me cry. My face gets red, and my nose runs and it's just not pretty. She puts a hand on the back of my head. I laugh.

"I'm only crying because I miss my god damned hair." We both laugh forever. After a while, we both end out bent over, holding stitches in our sides. "How long was I out?" She looks at me apologetically, not laughing anymore.

"Three days." I shrug. I knew I'd been out a while, so it didn't matter too much exactly how long I had been unconscious. I look at the clock. It's almost eight.

"We should go to that Luke kid's party. It's at his house, out by the river." Cola promptly shakes her head.

"Nope. No way. He hurt you! Why would you want to go there? Besides, Sevvy said you should take it easy." I laugh at her concern. She looks a bit alarmed.

"We're only gonna life once. Might as well go and see if his party's any good." She doesn't look convinced, so I hold one of her hands in my good one. "We won't stay long, and if it's awful and you don't want to stay, we can leave. Right away." She shrugs, mumbling.

"Fine... But we don't stay long. Right?" I chuckle, grabbing a jacket as I walk over to the kitchen. I grab the painkillers off the counter and take two.

"Right." We both walk out the door, laughing and joking, planning to have the time of our lives.