The Restroom Chronicles

The life of nearly every person nowadays is like one giant race. Thousands of people whiz past you every second, their frames little more a white blur. You want to beat them and be on top, and show everyone that you are the best- invincible, unbeatable. But you can’t. You just can’t. You do not have enough fuel in your tank, enough strength in your body, enough ambition in your heart. The crowd jeers as you cross the finish line in last place. You see your parents yelling at you, your teachers berating you for being a failure and your peers laughing at you. You just can’t bear it any more and you want to get away from it all...

This is where your favourite hangout spot comes in. A place of relaxation, happiness and calm. A place where you can be yourself. My favourite hangout spot should have been my real bathroom, but it isn’t for a variety of reasons.

Reason 1: The jet spray and the flush stop working at random moments, leaving me stranded until they start working again with double the force.

Reason 2: If I stay in for more than half an hour, my mother starts yelling, scaring the me and the door in the process.

So yes, extreme conditions call for extreme measures, which in this case, is the creation of an imaginary bathroom. And that, dear reader, is my favourite hangout spot. 

No no no! Wait for a second! Before you run away, hear me out atleast. You mustn’t make decisions in haste. Who knows, you might actually agree with my views. 

Let me outline the decor. Streaks of brilliant blue, ice grey and jet black set the style. Complement this with mood lights and the highest level of bathroom-related technology (vacuum flushes, heated seats et al) to create a contemporary, urbane feel. A library with the choicest selection of books shall be placed near the commode for ease of access. A giant panoramic window, encompassing a splendid view of the city will serve to finish the effect. Watching the glimmery yellow lights of the city twinkle at you while you relax your intestines with ‘Three Men In A Boat’, now that is what I call life. Even the crème de la crème of tinsel town would be green with envy. Oh dear, I am getting quite carried away.

It is very difficult to find the perfect bathroom. Most of them suffer from Acute Hygieniasis, a serious disease which is the originator of yet more diseases. This disease, is however, curable, but requires a dedicated and perseverant doctor. Unfortunately, such doctors are hard to come by, and therefore these poor bathrooms are doomed to suffer in silence. The flushes in many Indian toilets are either cistern, which take an eternity to fill up, or lever, which usually require a body builder to press them. In most bathrooms, the jet spray is absent, leading to several sleepless (read constipated) nights while you try to figure out a way to nullify this grave issue. Yet, in other bathrooms, the commode is Indian-style, making it a Herculean task for us poor females to relieve ourselves. 

So yes, a connoisseur of bathrooms would be greatly disturbed by these gross inadequacies and naturally she (or he) would invent their own dream bathroom in their mind. Yes, reader, you seem to be saying something. What is it, now? Have I come from Mars? Hahahaha!! No, no, I assure you, I have not come from Mars! (If I did, then shame on you Earthlings for not treating a Martian more nicely. This could spark an inter-planetary war!) 

Oh, how I wish I could build my model bathroom! Then perhaps I could rest in peace, one dream fulfilled. Although there is a very high probability that the cost will empty the Indian Government’s treasury. So it might just remain a utopian figment of my imagination... forever. (How horrible!) 

Anyway, I guess I have bored you enough with the subject of the room where the porcelain throne resides. I wonder what your reaction will be, dear reader. 

Will it be:- “AAAAAHHHHH!!! This person is nothing less than a raving lunatic! I should really go read the next story. Hopefully it will restore my brain cells and my sanity...”

Or will it be:- “Hmmm... a relevant issue. Maybe I should start creating the blueprint for my own dream bathroom. Being a bathroom critic is not a bad job.”

Or:- I. Need. To. Go. To. The. Bathroom. Right. NOW!!!

Whatever your reaction to this (extra)ordinary essay, you cannot deny that on seeing a perfect spic-and-span bathroom,

‘Your heart with pleasure fills,

And dances while the latrine sings.’