The Last Crime

12-11-2020 Favourite Comedy - Munnabhai M.B.B.S

   Circuit shifted around on his hard bed. He could not sleep. A hundred thoughts plagued him. The first was a sense of loneliness. Now that Munnabhai had settled into marital bliss with Suman, Circuit found himself all alone. He swatted a mosquito that sat on his arm. The second worry was more pressing. He had no money. After Munnabhai had left the world of crime, the coffers had started running low. The circuit did not want to free load on Munna and his wife any more than he wanted to be a third wheel in their life. He could have continued where Munna had left off, but Ma’ji and Bhabhi’ji would disapprove and he did not have a heart for that. Resolving to go to a money-lender the next day, Circuit went to sleep.

   The next morning found Circuit in the money-lender’s gully. He was sneakily making his way to the new money- lender at the end as he had extorted money from most of the others and they would surely not lend him some now. The new money lender at the end was a funny looking chap, he was thin but had a huge turban wrapped around his head and pince-nez glasses perched on his nose. He reminded Circuit of Madhuri in Hum Aapke Hain Kaun, when Salman sees her for the first time. Shrugging off the image, Circuit got down to the business at hand. He discussed terms with the money lender, who seemed to be more than a little curious about him and his job. Suddenly, Circuit spied a large black spider slowly inching it’s way down and settling over the money-lender’s turbaned head. Casually, Circuit pointed it out to him, but the money lender’s reaction was totally unexpected. He shrieked in a high pitched voice and yanked away the turban, which went flying in one direction, the spider in the other and the spectacles which had been dislodged, fell to the floor.

And all that Circuit saw was a glorious waterfall of dark hair falling to the money-lender’s waist and brilliant black eyes glaring at him. Circuit was stupefied. He was in a daze. Bells started ringing in his ear, violins played, and from somewhere Anil Kapoor sang, “Ek ladki ko dekha toh aisa laga...jaise.. (When I saw her, I felt…). But before he could compare her beauty to the sunrise, sunset or moonlight she had pushed him aside and disappeared.

Circuit was in love. He felt all the emotions that they portrayed in movies so artfully. He wanted to open his arms wide like ShahRukh and croon like Salman. He named her Pyaari (loved one) and spent a couple of days searching for his object of affection, but she was not to be seen. But what he could hear was an incessant growl from the vicinity of his stomach. He still needed money. 

That night, he found himself in a gaming hall that had recently opened. A few shady characters sat around playing rummy and the head of the gaming hall walked around inspecting the tables. The head had an ugly paunch which was straining the button at his middle and shaggy hair which looked unwashed and dirty. Circuit walked up to him to demand his entry and the head seemed suddenly taken aback to see him and dropped the book he was carrying. Circuit bent down to pick the book and as he stood, one of his gold chains got stuck on the button which held the Head’s stomach in. It released with a loud pop and a pillow which had been concealed to resemble the stomach fell down. Circuit gasped and looked up into the dark eyes of Pyaari which seemed to be shooting angry darts at him. She shoved him angrily and he went sprawling into the men who were getting up after seeing the pillow. Melodious songs and violins flooded Circuit’s mind. Salman Khan sang into his ear.. “Tere mast mast do nain, mere dil ka le gaye chain……” ( Your beautiful eyes have made me restless….). After the song faded out, Circuit realized that he was lying alone on the floor, with no sign of Pyaari or the other thugs.

These two meetings with Pyaari had left him restless, breathless and appetite-less, but a large part of his discomfort was also due to the fact that he had not eaten much in the last few days. He had heard that a drug consignment was going out of an old factory and he hoped that he would be able to steal a small amount and sell it for a decent price. That would tide him over for a few months at least. He made his way to the old factory and hid behind the boxes to see the going-ons. What he saw shocked him out of his wits. Pyaari was dressed in a black suit and was sitting on a chair facing a drug dealer across the desk, discussing the buying and selling of drugs. When Pyaari looked down to check the drugs, the drug dealer nodded his head at a thug behind her. The thug caught hold of a heavy log next to him and slowly advanced towards an unaware Pyaari. Circuit, uncaring of his dafety ran towards Pyaari with a shout. The thug who got distracted, swung the log and hit Circuit, who fell down with a thud. He was winded and could only watch as if a scene from a masala Bollywood movie was being played before his eyes. Policemen had erupted with pistols and were fighting with the thugs. His delicate Pyaari was on the table aiming a well aimed kick at the drug-lord’s chin. Police sirens were blaring and some thugs were escaping in their getaway vehicles. The whole scene was too much for him to process and Circuit closed his eyes in a dead faint.

He came to, on a hard stone, the sound and smells of the police station familiar to his ears. Waking up groggily, he found Pyaari dressed as a Police Inspector busy barking out orders. He felt faint again. He realized that she had been working undercover as the money lender and head of the gaming hall. Why, he wondered, that the only girl who had ever captured his heart had to be a police woman. Rajesh Khanna crooned in his ear,”Yeh kya hua, Kaise hua, Kab hua, Kyun Hua.. “ (What happened, how did it happen, when did it happen, why did it happen… ?). Pyaari saw that he was up and walked towards him with a swagger. “Sarkeshwar a.k.a Circuit, the only reason I am releasing you is that I cannot pin any crime on you and you saved me today. So get out now !” she said, opening the jail door. Circuit, clearly besotted, could only stare at her in mute wonder. “What is it ?” she barked at him. “ I love you,” he said. In response, Pyaari caught his collar, bodily dragged him and threw him out of the police station.

Circuit was not deterred. He first went to Munnabhai’s house and forgoing his ego, begged for some food. Then he began his war to win his lady love. Unfortunately, Pyaari did not believe or trust his good intentions. He was a small time criminal and she was a lady of the law and it looked like these two tracks would never meet. He tried his luck at many jobs, but somehow or the other he goofed it up. Slowly, Pyaari mellowed towards him and set in front of him a condition, fulfilling which, she would marry him. “It is simple,” she said, “You are a thief who knows the ins and outs of the underworld. Who better than you to be a policeman and help us capture the thugs and low-life’s ?”

Circuit was in turmoil. In his illegal career, he had made many good friends and he did not want to reveal their secrets or get them captured. On the other hand, living without Pyaari also seemed impossible. After a lot of deliberation, Circuit hit upon a plan, which he shared with Pyaari. Together they would start a rehabilitation program for the thugs and the thieves who wanted to reform. They would be educated if they wished, and placed in jobs where they would earn a decent living. If they were not interested in turning over a new leaf, the Pyaari could deal with them as she wished. 

Pyaari pondered over it, thought it to be a good idea, and finally agreed to marry Circuit. Their wedding was a grand affair, with the hall divided into equal sections having police persons on one side and goonda’s on the other, each attending the function with a solemn promise that there would be no goondagardi or arrests happening on that day.

Circuit had committed the last crime of his life. He had stolen his lady love’s heart.