#storyofadult column

Secure Relationship & how the attachment should be: 

Intrapersonal trait is something to look into our own competence on recognizing & interpreting in our emotions & thoughts which matters in a relationship health; along with physical intimacy, trust, communication & mutual sense of safety. In a secured relationship the basic attachment needs are met by both partners like, to feel appreciated, desired, and accepted, to recognize our thoughts & feelings & the absence of stranded feel of passion substantially. The attachment style defines on the basics like, “I am comfortable with the closeness and at the same time, independent, and can communicate openly & honestly. I can love & allow myself to be loved.

A fine line of difference lies between Influence & Control. In a healthy relation, partners influence each other, the way they communicate their ideas, opinions, needs, listening perspectives, without being overbearing. It helps to preserve the dignity of relationship in either way. It means you are able to find a balance between feeling firm about your beliefs, while not sending the message, “I am right or you are wrong”. On the contrary, Control can appear ‘overbearing or even passive’. Partners who control each other often feed resentment, appeasement or a feel of rebel. The power of control emerges from ‘Attachment insecurity’. Mostly in successful relationship both the person makes effort to work together to meet each other’s psychic needs. We all enjoy the feeling of being uplifted or approved or validated.

I would like to conclude by putting my words, that it is not always ours’ partner job in life to give our validation every time, everywhere. We have to keep some level of our own privacy and autonomy to take decisions, apart from reaching and connecting to friends, relatives, partner, companion, co-workers or anyone we meet in our journey, in life… for any advises or pronouncements. First & foremost, we should be able to give the acknowledgement to one self in our self-worth. Otherwise, it will be a constant habit to seek validation from outside and we never be completely fulfilled, as our need will be a constant supply from our partner or others to fix us, which is not sustainable in long run.