Roller Coaster Life

Gone are those days that I don't have to think anything except playing, I've missed those days, those are the days when you don't know what the problem is. Way back then, I used to play, with my cousin and neighbor. I left home early in the morning to play with them and went back home for lunch. When I was in elementary, I was always included in the top 10 students. At a young age, I've become a missionary in our church, I never missed going there. My hearts pounds for joy every time I teach. I thought life would always be like that, not until when I reached sixth grade. I've learned that life is not always about happiness. My parents started quarreling. Years passed by, and I was in my first year in high school. My father is always drunk and comes home late. My parents had a big fight. My mom finds out that my father got a mistress. Until my mom didn't take all those pain anymore. She decided to leave us. Those were the times when I rarely go to church. My faith has been tested, there are times that my father won't allow me to come to school, he even hides my bag and books. I've cried all day and night. I went to school with a heavy heart a. I even questioned God why He let all those things happen. I prayed that hopefully, my mom would come back. Months have passed, finally, my father found my mom. He pleased my mom to come back home and promised to change. And because my mom was so kind she forgave my father. Thank God! I was able to finish the school year. And just like my elementary days, I was also graduated from high school with flying colors. At first, everything went okay, however as the years passed by, they still have some fights. But the good thing is that they don't have any big fight anymore until I finished my high school.

After high school, I wasn't able to go to college. I prayed hopefully I could enter college. I work in a bakery shop and grocery merchandise store and to make it short after two years finally my prayers were granted. I was able to go to college because of a scholarship. I grabbed the opportunity. I don't know, but I couldn't think of any course at that time, even when I'm in doubt, I took an education course. Thank God, I was able to pass the entrance exam, complete my requirements, and passed the interview. Since I was an introverted type of person, I doubt myself many times. I know I will be challenged once again this time, but I took the risk. I don't know if I took the right direction but as far as I know, I already took the course and I have to continue it no matter what. I don't need to waste money so I continue and by God's grace, I was able to pass every semester with high grades and become a Dean's lister, not until, when I reach my fourth year in college. I failed. I wasn't able to make it. I got a big doubt to myself.  Why all of the sudden? Why I wasn't able to give my best for the last shot? While all of my friends hold their diplomas and wear their toga, I was here, I was failed. No, I'm just delayed. Who will I call and talk to when I need something. It's not something that I used to ask an answer to a question but it's someone, a companion, a friend. How can I go through when someone whom I call friends already left me. I'm alone again. I know I trained myself to become independent as an introvert one but I was completely a mess. While others can get what they want and achieve their dreams, here I am, being stuck. While others were so proud of themselves here I am, feeling depressed with so many issues in my life. I doubt I if can pass this course, can I be a great and effective teacher when all I know is that I'm introverted? Numb? I lack my self-confidence. The feelings that your family looks after you since for them you are their only hope but, I don't feel it, how can I be the only hope, when I don't have one, I don't know what to do, I'm lost. I can't figure it out myself. 'Twas unfair, isn't it? In that sem, I work hard and used to research our thesis, I consider all my groupmates consider all their excuses. It seems that I was all alone working on our thesis, yet I still consider them because I appreciated them for doing things at the same time, yet in the end, I've failed. Maybe I was dumb. While they are on their way to get their diploma, I'm here trying to help them. But am I worth helping? Isn't it, for I am dumb. I just didn't know, but I'm just trying to do my best since I cannot find my purpose ever since,

Maybe just maybe I am meant to help them, get their own. For now, it's only the reason that motivates me to move forward. While they are on their way there, here I am, hoping I was able to help them. Looking forward, here I am hoping and praying that I'm taking the right direction.

If my time will come, hopefully, I was also able to make it.

Have you ever known this feeling, the feeling when you want to help but don't know what to do, I'm feeling lost? I felt like I was a burden

So you see, I was also lost, I wished I could go back to those times where I can freely play and laugh. But those days are already gone. Every day my faith has been tested, I've missed myself serving with Him though I know I can't be anymore. Those were the days that remind me of how it feels to be happy. all the trust the parents and the children are given to me is enough for me not to get tired despite their behavior. Maybe, I've changed a lot and I'm lost to the point that I can't find my way back home. Here I am alone again, trying to figure things out, no one needs me. Maybe, just maybe it is where it was meant to be.

Indeed, life is uncertain. We may feel disapoint and feel like the world betrayed us but life must go on. We need to get up,face the world and believe that better days are coming!