‘Quest of life

‘Quest of life’

 

                                                                                                            Subhasish Paul

His mind was not in control at all today. Unable to concentrate to start working for the day. Yesterday's accumulated fatigue occupied the whole mind, body and soul like a thick fog. Hindering his thinking ability. The Laptop was open in front. Typing the password to open the Windows but, it was  in vain. Repeatedly typing the wrong password. A tearful memory was chasing him again and again. Unable to get rid of it. A deep breathe came out of his listlessness. Subho was feeling helpless and out of direction now.

 Even in the midst of everyone in the office and among the regular business, Subho was feeling utterly lonely. An intense restlessness enveloped him. He couldn’t convince his mind to accept this bitter truth. Is this life so fragile? Then why all these pointless strifes, futile conflicts, pride and toxicity in relationships? And why is there so much love in life yet so much discord? With profound sorrow, Subho hid his face with both hands and lowered his head onto the table. Behind his closed eyes appeared the fierce, leaping flames of a burning pyre and a helpless father with a numb face and melancholic grief. 

 It was the 25th of March. Holiday in the office for ‘Holi’. Subho did not indulge himself in this colorful festival. Standing on the balcony of his flat, he enjoyed the vibrant, unrestrained excitement of the festive crowd in the society. A festive mood was present in the home too. A variety of foods was prepared to satisfy the taste buds. At 10 at night, Subho went to bed to sleep. It didn’t take him long to fall asleep. 

 The mobile was kept on the bed, beside the pillow. Suddenly, the ringing of the cell phone shattered his sleep. Locating the spectacles, he put them on. Holding the phone in his hand, he found that ‘Alok’ was calling. It was then 11.30 pm. Alok is a subordinate to him in his office. Subho was a bit surprised, and he felt a sense of apprehension as well. He received the call.

“Yes Alok, calling at this time of the night? Is everything fine?” Subho asked with anxiety.

“Sir, there is extremely sad news for us” Alok replied in a shaky voice. Subho sat up tightly on the bed. 

“ What’s wrong? Why are you so scared?” Subho asked.

“ Sir, Chandramoni is no more.” Alok conveyed. Chandramoni was the record keeper under Subho. 

 Hearing this, a cold shiver ran through his entire body. For the moment, time itself seemed to stand still.

He was in no state to speak. Still trying to absorb the weight of the words Alok has just uttered. 

“Sir” hearing the voice of Alok,  Subho returned back to his senses.

“What happened? How did it happen? When did it happen? Have you seen it with your own eyes?” Subho asked so many questions in a single breath. He couldn’t believe it to be true. Silently praying that it would prove to be false. 

“No sir, I haven’t seen it myself, but got a call. It happened about 9 o’clock at night. He Collapsed on the floor during vomiting. Was declared dead when he was taken to the Head Grover Hospital” Alok replied precisely. 

“ Anoop resides near the hospital; he himself has witnessed the fact” Alok added.

 “Do you know what exactly happened?”  Subho asked.

“No Sir, don’t know the fact entirely. What  I have heard is that he drank a little bit during the day, ate more snacks than normal. Even spoke to Swapnil for a long time in the evening. He then went back to his home on the 4th floor. He felt nauseous. Went to the bathroom and vomited a little. Something got stuck in his throat. He wanted to say something about it, but fell down on the floor. His wife rubbed his back. But, within a minute, it was all over.” 

 Subho listened in silence. Life is so fragile! The person he talked with so cheerfully only yesterday afternoon had now ceased to exist. Just a few minutes ago, who was chatting with his friend; minutes later, he was no more. That too at the age of 35 only.

“ Please send me Anoop’s mobile number. Don’t call anyone tonight. Tomorrow morning I will convey to all others. You go to sleep. Take care.’ Subho hung up the phone.

 Everything felt scrambled by the suddenness of the incident. Anoop’s number came up. Subho called him.

“Is it Anoop? Paul sir this side.”

“Yes sir, Anoop here.”

“Did you go to the hospital? Have you seen it with your own eyes? Talking about Chandramoni” Deep down inside, there was a faint hope that the news might turn out to be false.

“ Yes, sir, I went there. The dead body was kept on a stretcher covering with a white cloth. It is soon to be taken for post-mortem,” Anoop replied. 

“Ok, you go to sleep.” Subho disconnected the phone. Remaining doubt about the truth of the incident instantly vanished. It came straight from an eyewitness. No room remained for it to be false.

It was midnight by then. Subho sat in silence for a while. Unable to figure out his next move. Drank a lot of water. Slowly, he got down from the bed and started walking around the room. A suffocating feeling gripped his mind. He opened the balcony door and stood there. A deep stillness hung all around. Remnants of the festive color lay scattered on the ground below. The cool spring breeze brought an immediate penetrating chill. The silvery moonlight of the full moon spread like a blanket over the canopy of the trees ahead. A night-owl flew away slowly into the far distance. The magical beauty of nature gave Subho some relief from mental tiredness. All his sorrow, pangs of separation, and melancholy seemed to slowly fade away. 

“Sir, your tea, please.” Hearing this, broke his line of thought. He realized that he had entirely forgotten that he was sitting at his office desk. 

“ Yes, please, I really needed a cup of tea now. Thank you” Reaching out,  Subho took the teacup from the office boy.

Taking two quick sips of hot tea, his tired mind and body felt somewhat refreshed. He urged himself to focus;it was now high time to get back to work. An hour and a half had already slipped by since he arrived at the office, without a single task being touched. Lots of work were in Queue. A report to be presented to CFO sir in the afternoon. 

The landline suddenly rang. Subho glanced at the display. It was from the reception desk. He received the  call

“Hello?”

“ Is it Subhasish Sir on the line?’

“Yes. It’s me.”

“Chandramoni’s father has come to the office. Wants to meet you.”

“Yes, please guide him to come to my desk, second floor, D block.”

Placing the teacup down, he hastily moved towards the elevator. The news was conveyed to all others in the department. The elevator doors slid open. Chandramoni’s father walked out slowly. A futile attempt at a subtle smile resting on his face. 

“Please come with me.” Subho showed him the way towards the nearest conference room. The others had arrived by then. Subho pointed to a chair and requested him to be seated. 

He sat on the chair, Subho also sat in another chair in front of him. The Rests were standing around with anxious faces.

Glancing at everyone in the room, he tried to say something but no sound came out of his throat. 

“Please have some water.” Subho offered him a glass of water. He emptied the glass in a single gulp. Putting the empty glass on the table, he stared at Subho. No one could speak. All were in a fix about how to start a conversation. A pin-drop silence fell over the room. A father who had just lost his son and a heavy void circled in the air around them. He bowed his head; Subho was speechless. 

 Breaking the silence, Subho started the conversation:

“When did all work get over yesterday? When did you all returned home?”

The gentleman seemed to find something to say. “We came back home after 9 o’clock at night after every thing was over. Couldn’t imagine, my son leaving me just like this.” Bursting into tears, he could say only this. 

 Yesterday’s incident overwhelmed Subho all over again.

Subho had spent a sleepless nigh. Returning from the balcony, he lay on the bed. Whenever he tried to close his eyes, Chandramoni’s face appeared in front of him. The last time he had seen Chandramoni was the day before at the parking lot when he was getting into the car. After playing with gulal at the office, everyone was leaving for home. It was then around four in the afternoon. Wishing everyone a ‘Happy Holi’,  Subho packed up his bag and stepped forward towards the parking lot. While entering into the car, he listen Chadramoni’s voice from behind

‘”Sir, you have forgotten your mobile on the desk.”

While wiping off the colors from his shirt, he put his phone on the edge of the table, Subho recalled. Then he had forgotten to pick it up.

“Thank you Bhai. Happy Holi, enjoy your day." These were the last words exchanged; this was the last time Subho said goodbye to chandramoni yesterday. The tragic news came the following night.

 Chandramoni’s dead body was shifted to another government hospital for a ‘Post-mortem’. In the morning, Subho conveyed the sad news to all others in the department. The message was conveyed to ‘CFO’ Sir also. A brief discussion with CFO Sir was also held to make him aware of the incident and the next course of action needed. For everyone, this was shocking and unexpected. 

Having noted down the hospital address, he rushed towards it. Informed few colleagues to join him there. On arrival, he saw that two representatives had been deployed from office administration to take care of the administrative arrangements and procedures at the hospital.  

  Chandramoni’s parents resides in Assam. Chandramoni lived in Delhi together with his own family and the family of his younger brother. He has left behind his wife and two-years-old twin daughters. Subho met Chandramoni’s brother at the hospital. His parent’s were informed last night. They had already taken an early morning flight and expected to reach Delhi around 10 o’clock. 

 The post-mortem had not yet been done. One official document was yet to come to the hospital. A Local Police officer is supposed to submit the document. Subho spoke to the executives in the hospital to try and speed up the process. Everyone from his office present there was waiting in silence with pale faces. Due to exhaustion and sleeplessness, Subho was feeling extremely tired. Amid the rush, chaotic bustle and noise of the patients and their relatives at the hospital, Subho remembered the day he met Chandramoni for the first time. 

Subho sat down on  a bench beneath a tree, closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

 Subho is not much old in Delhi. He had been  transferred from Mumbai just over one and a half years ago. He had taken over  the charge of ‘ Contract Payment’ section. There were eight people on the team in this department and Chandramoni was the record keeper. Since their  first introductory meeting, Subho had started liking Chandramoni. He was a cheerful person with an incredibly positive mind set.

After introducing himself, he said with a smile  “Sir, officially I am your office record keeper . But beyond that, whenever you need anything and at any time , I am always at your service. You are new in Delhi. So don’t hesitate to tell me anything and don’t worry about anything.” 

“Where is your home?” asked Subho

“Sir, I am originally from Assam, near to Guwahati Town. But residing in Delhi over 15 years." he answered.

Subho is from West Bengal. He knows people from North-East states are very simple, kindhearted and helpful. Later on, Subho has realized several times that his promise of being ‘always at your service’ was not merely an empty statement. He truly was always ready to help everyone at all the times. Not only to Subho just because of his Boss. Even the CFO Sir also knew him personally and treated him with great affection. Some people can easily win anyone’s heart with their simplicity and sense of responsibility.  Chandramoni was truly one of them. Even after living in the city for so many years, urban hustle never overpowered him or forced him to surrender his simplicity and sweetness. Some qualities are inherited  from our genes and embossed permanently in our behaviour. No external force can erase them permanently to replace them with something else. 

No one ever had to remind him about any office work. He knew exactly what needed to be done and at what time. He never measured his duty by the hours. 

 With tears in his eyes, Subho wondered why God was in such a hurry to recall such a wonderful  soul. He had left behind two small kids and his wife. Leaving behind everything in this world, he had departed for the unknown horizon from which nobody returns. 

 A gentle touch on his shoulder broke Subho’s train of thought.

 “Sir, Chandramoni’s parents have arrived at the hospital gate.”  Subho looked at the watch. It was then 10.40 in the morning. Everyone moved quickly towards the hospital gate.

The crying of a woman echoed through the air. It was Chandramoni’s mother. Her heartbreaking cries brought tears to everyone’s eyes. Subho tried hard to control himself. A grieving mother’s helpless cry  “Give me back my son,” echoed through the air and disappeared in the empty sky.O God, what a tragic game is this! Cannot understand your ways. Whose punishment is this - the mother’s or the child’s?  A complex human psychology beyond our understanding.

 Subho was trying to console his mind. Didn’t even expect that another big surprise was waiting for him. He couldn’t believe his eyes! Was he seeing a ghost? Was this even possible? How could two people could look so identical? It was beyond imagination.

 Chandramoni’s father came and stood in front of him. Subho could not come out of the shock even then. Staring in surprise, Subho found that if his hair was not white,  it would be impossible to tell him apart from Chandramoni. The same face, eyes, skin tone, walk, and looks - everything was completely identical.

Holding his hand, Subho helped him to sit on a nearby bench. A car was arranged to take the mother and sister back home. Chandramoni’s uncle, who also accompanied them, chose to remain behind at the hospital. Drinking a little water, the father tried to compose himself. Subho  could not understand how to give him comfort in this situation. No words were enough. Subho held his hand tightly and sat down beside him, giving  an unspoken promise that they were all there with him and that he was not alone.

 Meanwhile, all the papers got ready. They  were informed that the ‘dead body’ was ready for the  post-mortem. 

“Let me see him just once before the post-mortem, please make it possible for me to see my boy one last time.” Chandramoni’s father broke down into tears. After speaking with the police officer,that arrangement was made as well.

Subho accompanied him inside the mortuary. Two bodies were lying on the floor. Knowing the name, the person incharge allowed them to come closer. Subho held Chandramoni’s father tightly. The person inside gently pulled back the white cloth covering chandramoni’s face and said “Take a look”. The marks of color still remained on the face. It looked as if, he were sleeping quietly. A peaceful face with a smile. Without knowing beforehand, there was no way to tell that there was no life in the body. Leaving behind this material world, his soul had gone to another peaceful world that lays far beyond everone’s reach. While his physical body remained behind to be dissolved in fire. 

 As the initial wave of shock passed, his father burst into tears. Subho held him tightly in an embrace, while the cloth was gently pulled back over Chandramoni’s lifeless body. Subho brought him out of the mortuary and seated him on a bench. Subho washed his face with some water and said, “Calm down, we have to accept the truth.” “None of us can alter the decree of almighty.”

Weeping bitterly, he said, “My boy departed while playing with the colors. I was supposed go first. He broke the queue and went ahead of me, leaving me with a mountain of grief and pain. I have never hurt anyone knowingly. Then why God is giving me such pain and sorrow? 

 Somehow Subho kept himself in control. God’s ways are strange. There is no way to comprehend how or whom He choose to punish. Could not understand which past life’s karma this was the result of.

 No one in this world knows how long their lifespan is. Everyone’s day of departure is predetermined. When the time comes, all ties of love and affection must be severed and one must go. No one can stop for anyone’s call. Subho thought to himself that just as good people, evil people, kinsmen, villains, hypocrites and false saints maintain the balance of the human world, perhaps in the world beyond death, souls of all kinds are needed as well. Maybe God needs good people like Chandramoni more than He needs us.That’s why He has called him to His side for His own purpose.

“Subhasish Babu,” the voice of Chandramoni’s father brought  Subho back to the reality.

“Yes please, I was a bit emotional and in deep in thought.” Subho said with an embarrassed face.

“ My son passed away. He used to talk  about all of you so much. He was so happy working with all of you here. How could something like this happen?”  He lowered his head.

“We were also proud to have Chandramoni in our team. I have rarely seen such a selfless, helpful and honest person in my life. A unique creation of God. This is an immense and irreparable loss for us. too.” Subho comforted him

Subho arranged for tea and snacks and asked him to have some. The father took a few sips of tea and looked around at all of us with his blind eyes. It seemed like he was searching for someone among them.

Subho gently shifted the topic. “Please don’t worry, on behalf of the company, we will do everything we can to claim all the insurance money and hand it over to your daughter-in-law. We are also looking into what more we can do to ensure your granddaughters face no hardship.”

 “Thank you so much.”  he said with folded hands. “It’s time to leave now. I will never be able to repay my debt to you. Best wishes to all of you. Stay blessed; you all have to come for the rituals. I will send the invitation.’ 

Holding his hands,  Subho said, “We cannot bring Chandramoni back, but if you ever need anything from us, please let us know. We will always stand by you.” Subho reassured him.

He stood up from the chair. Everyone urged him to stay for lunch before leaving. He gently declined. He replied, “Food is being cooked at home. I will eat there.”

Subho did not insist further. Understood; he didn’t want to eat without his family.

Subho asked “Where will you perform the rituals? In Assam or in Delhi?”

“In Assam, at his ancestors’ place where he grew up at his early days. I am trying to get tickets to my hometown and will leave at the earliest. Goodbye everyone.” He started walking.

They all accompanied him to the outer gate of the office building to see him off. Sitting in an auto-rickshaw, he waved his hand and left. Subho stood watching him for as long as he remained in sight.

His head felt very heavy. Subho lit a cigarette. Blowing out a thick cloud of smoke, he stared blankly ahead . Yesterday’s scenes flashed before his eyes like a movie.

 After the post-mortem was complete, a funeral van arrived near the morgue. By then, several more colleagues from the office had arrived at the hospital. After the completion of all formalities,the  lifeless body was placed  into the vehicle and set off towards Chandramoni’s home. The rest of them followed right behind.

 The body was laid out in the courtyard of his home. Above the whispers of the neighbors and the murmur of the wind, the desperate wails of the grieving wife pierced through everything.  The two little girls didn’t understand what had happened and were looking around with blank, surprised eyes. 

From there, they headed straight to the cremation ground. Chandramoni’s  lifeless body was gently placed beside the furnace. Almost everyone from the Finance Department was present there by then. He was bathed with sacred ‘Ganga’ water, dressed in new clothes and adorned with garland and sandalwood paste. Preparing his path for final departure towards heavenly abode. 

 The funeral workers built the pyre by stacking wood upon wood. Chandramoni was laid on the pyre,  and a layer of wood was placed over him. His father performed the last rites, silent tears streaming continuously down his cheeks. It was the most painful moment of his life to say a final goodbye and light the pyre with the same hand that once fed him and held his fingers to teach him to walk.

Once the flame caught the pyre, everyone started moving away from there, leaving Chandramoni’s father and a few family members behind. Standing before those blazing flames yesterday, the old man said goodbye just as today Subho and his colleagues had seen him off. The fire of pyre eventually subsides to ashes but the blazing flame stays alive inside the mind forever.

 Throwing away the cigarette, Subho rushed towards his seat. Sitting on the chair, he was uttering  the words from the song of Rabindranath Tagore “There is sorrow, there is death, and the burning pains of separation, yet peace prevails, joy endures and the infinite eternal awakens.” He trid to convince his mind that togetherness and parting are both part and parcel of life. One must accept both with grace. Life keeps moving forward, it is dynamic - it stops for no one. 

 Pulling the laptop closer, Subho keyed in his password. Absolutely correct in first attempt. Windows opened. It’s time to return to  life again, anchored by the routine of work.

 

 

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