New India Chronicle

God declared “let there be peace.” Peas grew all over. People enjoyed peas in their pulav, made kadi and cutlets.

But the emperor wasn’t happy at all. Schooled in the Nagpur School of Social Sciences he always dreamt of the Akhand Bharat. Teachers at the school always talked of Akhand Bharat and its past glory. Peace counters his vision. He was mulling how to counter peace with a new jhumla.

Onions were in tears. With the price rising of petrol, diesel and many other vegetables nobody bothered about onions. It lost its political relevance. Potato simply told “know your onions” in a philosophical way and made peace with peas.

Green vegetables got envious of peas but they were easily perishable and could not think of any long-term protest.

Emperor had to eat humble pie because of the year-long protest of farmers and suddenly became the one who cares for farmers and withdrew the farmers’ Acts. Whether his Bollywood style of Act would help him win the UP coming elections was a point of debate. In the meantime, one black sheep of an MP moved a private bill for minimum price support for a variety of grains. He had tabled the bill online and people found grains of truth in the bill.

The emperor had many aces up his sleeve. In one act of Bollywood style, he took a dip ala Mandakini of the skimpy saree fame of Ram Teri Ganga Maili (Ram your Ganga is filthy) (1985) and took a dip in his full attire. The Ganges immediately got purified. All the bhakts felt goose pimples and said Ram Teri Ganga Nirmal (clear). What several thousand crores of expenditure in the name of the project NavamiGanga could not do the emperor accomplished in one dip. All the CMs have invited the emperor to take a dip in the rivers in their respective state. Khajuwal was the first in the queue and frothing Yamuna was on top of his list. Not to be left behind a southern CM put up the name of Coovum river, a veritable sewer flowing across the southern metropolitan. He also said the act of cleansing the Coovum river would mean a lot to ease the burden of a lower caste who have been consigned to clean sewers in the city by the Satanic dharma of a religion.

However, the Mandakini style dip helped in pushing a few percentage points only in the emperor’s popularity. He strategized to spruce up the abode of Viswanath in Kasi so that Shiva would give his blessings too besides the Ayodhya Ram. Lord Brahma started dressing up awaiting his turn for the call of the emperor.

The show on Kasi was televised widely and the emperor took the bugle to denigrate Aurangzeb who was long dead and could not talk back. It was an indirect threat to the countries on the western border that the emperor might strike back to avenge historical atrocities. People who watched the live telecast shouted in frenzy “har har Mahadev.”

In the state of Gujarat, a move with the intention of dividing the polity backfired when the High Court pulled up the city corporation when it asked “how can you decide what I eat?” The corporation came up with an ingenious explanation that selling meat resulted in a traffic jam and it wasn’t about eating meat. A lot many fruits wondered since when was jam being made from meat?

All of a sudden, the Didi took up cudgels on behalf of the emperor and started her offensive against the hand and rocked the cradle of opposition unity. Several opposition members wondered dal mein kuch kala hai (something black in the lentil)!

Now that it is winter season Nagpur oranges were seen everywhere both in fruit and colour form. They were jubilant that Hindu Rashtra is fast becoming a dream and orange would become the king of fruit in the new Rashtra.

While such news occupied headlines some side-line news talked of increasing hunger, unemployment and inequity in the society. Whether this would lead to mass anger would be confirmed in the elections only? 

A bhakt remarked that in new India hunger would be called ‘fasting’ and unemployment as ‘meditation.’ Welcome to the spiritual New India!!