My Nightmares

I keep seeing very strange nightmares repeatedly on few themes. I do not understand their relevance but nevertheless keep occurring frequently. I decided to write down these nightmares, as they occur. I have written down these two nightmares as they occurred in recent past. The first one had occurred sometime around first week of January 2019 and the second one concluded around 02:15 hours on 14^th January, 2019.

Examinations: 

I have never failed in curriculum examinations during my schooling or college days. During primary and secondary levels I barely use to pass with the grace of teachers; and after that I passed with distinction with my efforts backed by determination to do well. Then.....?

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It is already nearing sunrise. Eastern sky is glowing with red colour. It is pleasant morning with cool breeze. Chirping of excited birds going to work for the day; was becoming louder and louder.  

I have no appetite to enjoy nature’s beauty. I am trying to understand subject for which I have to go through answering examination question in few hours. I am still grappling through few of the fundamentals. I hate to mug up to pass exam. I have to understand the basics correctly to answer all my prospective questions. Is this feasible? I feel, I am failing in the subject. It would soon become warmer and then hot and sultry. My thinking and condition has already become sultry and uncomfortable. Neither I can go forward nor give up. I am in distress. What to do question makes me more uncomfortable. My brain gets clogged. It becomes sultrier and start searching for wet towel I had kept somewhere nearby. Not able reach it. I become thirsty. At least let me get some water to drink. Drinking water is not helping. Search the towel, search…..

Suddenly I wake up. It is 02:30 hours in the wee hours. I think there is no exam I have to pass. What is this dream? I am sweating like it is 40+ C. Air-conditioner is humming smoothly and showing temperature of only 23 C. My wife is sleeping blissfully on my side. I try to go back to sleep. I cannot sleep. I groan with disdain. Wife gets up and sees my discomfort. She tries to help me to sleep…..

**

I had just finished my answer to examination question and was waiting for next question in front of examination room. It was like open area with lot of tree surrounding with isolated rooms giving us examination questions after finishing reply to previous question one after another. SS joined me at the exam room, where I was waiting.

SS is almost 10 years senior to me. He is of almost the age of my eldest sister. He is a blood relative. I was little fascinated with his size, energy. I am half his size, physically. He could do many things which I could not accomplish.

The wait for the question became pretty long. I was losing my patience. SS told me, let us go out and come back. Though I did not want to go, I could not say no. He took his motorcycle and started and meekly sat behind him. 

After few minutes of drive I started getting worried about losing the exam time. I started mumbling about going back. SS reassured me, when they (examiners) have no questions, they would delay. There is nothing to worry, we would soon go back. Reluctantly, I kept quiet. The highway we were going on looked very familiar. Soon we reached a big river bank. There were many boats. We both sat in one of the boats. In few minutes the boat started move towards another bank with few more passengers. All this seemed very familiar place for me. My reminders to SS to go back were met with reassurances and I kept lapsing on to enjoying on the ride.

Soon we reached other side of the river. Every other person disembarked including the boatman. We were only two left in the boat. As I got same reassurance of going back, I also disembarked. I started enjoying the surroundings. I felt the place is familiar but could not recollect the name. I felt I had visited this place earlier. There were big temples at hill elevation with majestic views. 

I found SS going back in another boat. I started asking him to take back loudly. He did not see me and boat was running away. Suddenly I realized; it is getting darker. Started moving towards the boat.   I started fearing I would fail in the examination. I could not find my way back in the darkness. I started searching for my mobile to light my way. I cannot find. I had used it few minutes back. I started panicking. I cannot find my way forward, cannot find light (mobile), I am going to fail….

Suddenly I got up. It is 02:20 hours on 14^th January. I cannot go back to sleep……

This system of getting questions one after the other is never experienced or thought of in my lifetime. How this idea came in the dream? For the first time I am imagining such an examination system in my dream.

SS & I had only one interaction during last 45 years, during marriage of my youngest brother some 20 years back. In my childhood (up to 12 years of age) I used to go to his house (after my school time) very often. Main attraction was one of his younger sisters (he had many sisters). He was good caroms and chess player. He always used to defeat me.

During this period of my visits; SS once tried to induce me to hold his erect private part by holding mine. I was excited but felt uncomfortable with the situation. After realizing my discomfort, he left me alone grudgingly.

I felt SS never liked me, as a child, but never tried to hurt/ harm me.

Now I realize, the scenes and surroundings in my dream are latest visiting places but the sequence is a dream which I cannot understand. When I used to meet SS, I was a child (in dream I am a child and SS as I had seen him then) I had no mobile, I had not seen such a big river or a big highway and not had a boat ride. I was living in a village far from development.

How I managed to get SS in to my dream of fear of losing exams after such a long time not clear to me……