My butterfly of hope....

It was the last day of tenth. Our exams were starting from next week. 

I hoped to see Adil when I reached school, so that I could talk to him. But the bus in which he travelled, that had the reputation for coming late every day, came early that day. When I crossed his class, I peeped through the window to find him seated in his usual place.

 The day went amazing. Teachers who had drilled the importance of studying hard , into our brains during the whole academic year, left us quite free. 

But I was scared. Today was the last day of tenth, the day that the quotes 'Better late than never' and ' Now or never' hit quite hard. Deep down I wanted to tear down the wall of insecurities I had built around me and shout out to the world that I am in love with Adil and that I am pretty sure that he too loves me back.But my walls of fear had trapped the butterfly of hope that I had managed to save, despite heavy storms of insecurities. It drowned in my sea of fear and died. 

I was lost in thought when Sree nudged me. She is my partner in crime, my best friend. She asked me "Adil?" I nodded. "Let me guess, you want to confess the fact that you love him to him but there is that tiny chord holding you back, pinning you down to your seat of fear?" She continued. I couldn't help but laugh. I asked her" Is there anything that you don't know about me?" She smiled." Don't change the topic idiot. So since today is the last day, why don't you atleast say it to him today?" 

"Point well made sis, but should I drown a ship that is barely surviving the storm, without any particular reason?" 

" For the millionth time I am reminding you, today is the last day. Even if he says that you have been imagining all that and he doesn't love you, you don't have to face him daily right? So there is no problem of embarrassment, all our classmates knowing and other stuff, right?"

"True, but....." I start to argue. Sree cut me off with a look that said 'Seriously?' " Lakshmi, you know that I know you very well. Thats why I am saying, just let it out. Or else you will not be able to live with the regret that you never said it to him. I know that you both have a lot of common friends, including me. But seriously, you not confessing just for the sake of your 'distant' friendship, doesn't make sense." 

I ponder over what she just said. It's the same thing that I know deep down and have been denying it to myself for quite long. Sree knew that I understood her point, so she doesn't press it. She changed the topic and soon we were talking about everything except Adil. 

The rest of the day went quickly. Before I realised we were heading down the staricase near to where the buses stopped, waiting for the students to arrive brimming with joy. Sree entered her bus, sat at her usual window seat and gave me a look that said " Confess or feel my wrath!"

 Smiling, I moved towards the gate, my eyes busy searching for Adil. And then I saw him. He was standing nearby with his usual gang, Jeevan and Rahul. Adil suddenly turned and his gaze fell upon me. At that exact moment I felt all the courage that I had managed to gather throughout the day drain away. I being the usual coward that I am, walked right past Adil without stopping. Without even a backward glance.

I know it doesn't make sense, but when I saw that small side gate from which I usually entered, a wave of memories hit me. I remembered the first day of our academic year in tenth when i, despite being an atheist, walked past this same gate praying to all the gods that I knew, just pleading for one wish: that me and Adil should be in the same class. I remembered feeling as if I am sinking in the deepest depths of an ocean, when miss called my name amongst the name of students who were gonna remain in the same class, but not his. I remembered standing in the corridor during intervals with Sree and Aisha with the only intention of seeing him and feeling immense happiness when chancing upon him. I also remembered that, during the time of silent prayer during exams I used to pray for him too. 

Then it struck me. His reply doesn't matter anymore. It won't change the fact that I love him. But today is the last day I will get a chance to finally say it to him and I don't want to regret it. 

I slowly turned back and retraced my steps. I saw him standing at the same place I saw him earlier, his gaze fixed upon me. I swear I saw a faint smile on his face when I approached him. With my newfound courage, I approached him and ignoring Jeevan and Rahul , I looked Adil in the eye and said " I wanna talk to you."