Motherhood Rainbow

Ahana felt something inside her was erupting like a volcano and the hot molten lava flowing incessantly from her large brown eyes. Despite the unbearable pain that engulfed her body and soul, there was a deep sense of void within. The numbness had shut her off from the chaos around her, as she lay motionless on the bed in the operation theatre, the huge reflector light blinding her. She heard the empathetic voice of her gynaecologist Dr Geeta Sreeedharan, checking on her while adding the sutures to embargo the bleeding.

Ahana’s ears vying to hear the first cry, suddenly felt deaf and she slowly closed her eyes hoping the bad dream would end soon. As she lowered her eyelids she could see the anxious face of her husband Anay, who was holding her hand all along to give her strength, but the creases on his forehead and the pale face were a clear giveaway of the obvious. Many days of prayers and hope of the new life was silenced with aching pain and anguish. Ahana questioned destiny on this absolute injustice, looking for answers that were lurking in darkness.

Ahana awoke to the soft warm morning rays falling on her face and the fragrance of white lilies and for a brief moment she smiled that the nightmare was over. Instinctively she put her hand on her belly to feel the kicks that was her customary wake up call for the last few months. As she felt her almost flat belly, reality struck her and she wanted to scream when Anay came and hugged her tight. Both of them could not hold back the tears as they tried to find comfort in each other’s arms. Ahana muttered, ‘Anay, what did we do wrong that we have lost our most precious blessing. How are we going to live without her?’ Her sobs and moans conveyed her deep pain of losing her first born due to a preterm delivery. Anay could not find the right words to pacify her, he held her close and kissed her forehead.

Four years into their marriage, when Ahana had announced her pregnancy, the family was euphoric. Anay was stoked enough to have decided a name for his little princess, ‘Anay ki Anaya’ as he always referred to her. Ahana would often tease him that it was going to be a baby boy ‘‘Ahana ka Ahaan’. Last 7 months they were nurturing a dream with love, laughter and banter around the arrival of their bundle of delight. Little did they know that life would take such a drastic turn and Ahana would go into early labour owing to a weak cervix. Anay had rushed her to the hospital and despite Dr Geeta’s best efforts and the countless prayers of the family, they could not save ‘Anaya’, as her lungs were not formed at 25 weeks. An ephemeral dream had ended leaving the eager parents-to-be devastated.

Ahana was not only a mother at heart but her body had also embraced motherhood as she was lactating profusely. Ahana felt betrayed by destiny each time she had to pump out her milk and drain it away in the sink. Nature had braced her for motherhood but not endowed her with the little human to love and nurture. Ahana’s tears did not dry, neither did her milk which was a constant reminder of her irreplaceable loss. Sensing the threat that the situation would have on Ahana’s mental health, Dr Geeta requested Ahana to donate the milk to the other new-borns who had lost their mother during childbirth. She said ‘Ahana, you will be a Mother of not one but three children who like you have their precious one’. Ahana heard her with a pale expressionless face, but soon there appeared a faint smile that unravelled her beauty. Ahana nodded as if she had found hope and light in her life. She looked at Anay and said, ‘I am a Mother’.

Motherhood is a feeling of giving and nurturing. Motherhood is where you find it. Ahana had found her rainbow after the storm, the dawn after the darkest hour of her life. Find your Motherhood Rainbow.